It was almost three in the morning and God and I were not on speaking terms. I was pissed. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and Him to leave me alone.
“Lord, I don’t want to talk to you. Do you hear me? I don’t want to go near you. I don’t want your wisdom telling me what to do. That you love me… that you are here… I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want talk to you. I want to talk to her…”
“She is the one I would get wisdom from right now. She would tell me what to do. She would make this easy. She would make me laugh. I want my friend; I want her voice to tell me what to do. I need my friend to tell me what to do. But that won’t happen will it God? That won’t happen ever again.
She died today.”
This is a story about the goodness of God and of the Father’s love for His children
Nikki Baird Buchholz was one of the most vibrant lovers of Jesus I ever met. She looooved Jesus. She loved to talk about Him. She loved to write songs about Him and songs for Him. She had this way of making you feel totally comfortable in your own skin. She would talk about the things she was struggling with the most in her life, completely expose herself, and then relate what God was teaching her through those struggles and her own weaknesses. You could not help but relate and feel your own walls crumbling. Openly admitting that you are a screw-up too.
She showed me what life could look like when you walk hand in hand each day with Jesus. And watching how real that relationship was for her brought me closer to Jesus too.
Then on June 21, 2010, quite suddenly and at the age of 24, Jesus took her firmly by the hand and brought her up to heaven with Him.
This leads me into the conversation above. This Jesus I had learned to walk hand in hand with, who I had trusted my heart with… had just broken it.
“Lord, how could this happen? I don’t understand. I thought you were good? If you are in control, why would you do this?”
But God in His infinite kindness and love for His hurting daughter, even though she was throwing a glorified temper tantrum, gave her a miracle. He gave her exactly what she asked for.
In this suspended moment of life, where God and I were duking it out (at least that is what I thought we were doing) I received an email from a close friend with an internet link attached. The title was, “Nikki’s
Music”.
I was filled with dread. “God this is too painful. Do you really want me to listen to my dead friend singing? You’re sick.” But I felt Him leading me. This felt important. There were three songs that she had written and posted online. With a shaky hand I clicked on the first one. The title was “Missions”.
Within five minutes my life was forever changed. I heard my dear friend’s voice but it was so much more than that. She was telling me what to do. Through her song she told me, “Becky, this is how I lived my life. And now this is what you are called to do. How you are supposed to live yours. This is your mission.”
Saying that God is good is not good enough. He saw my breaking heart and heard my cry: “God I don’t want to hear your voice telling me what to do, I want to hear hers.” And that is exactly what He gave me. And we cried together listening.
“Missions” by Nikki Baird Buchholz
”I’ll follow the light till I rest in His place
King over my life and I’ll never be faithless
Reaching to the depths that are shadowing me
Lord Jesus, the One who is setting me free
Why shine in a place that is filled with the Sun?
Bring light to the dark where the devil has run
Teach it to the ones that are thirsty for Truth
Some falling in life but they’re waiting for you”
It has almost been two years and I still carry these words with me, the last conversation on this earth with my dear friend. They are written on my heart. In times of confusion or sadness they guide me like a compass, bringing me closer to my Lord and His will for me, just as her example did in life.
The World Race is one way that I am choosing to be obedient to His call on my life and to honor the torch that has been passed to me. In this way, He is leading me forth with His light. I don’t know what the road ahead will bring but I trust Him. He is good.
Father, I choose to be obedient to you. I choose to accept this mission. Thank you for putting Nikki in my life and giving her these words to impact my life in your perfect timing. With your strength I take up this torch being passed. I pray that the flame would burn bright; bringing your light to every place my feet traverse. Keep close to me Lord. Without you I am nothing. Help me to not get scared. Hold my hand tight and don’t let go.
“I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness, And will hold your hand; I will keep you and give you as a covenant to the people, as a light to the Gentiles, to open blind eyes, to bring out prisoners from the prison, those who sit in darkness…” Isaiah 42:6-7
“I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” Eph. 4:1
What about you? What has God called you to in this life? You don’t have to go to Swaziland or Cambodia or Romania to bring light. Look around… look at your family, your neighbors, look even at your closest friends. The devil is runnin’ amuck in this world and there are thirsty people who need to know the Truth. That there is a God, a living God, a powerful God, a merciful God, who loves them. With a love that burns for all eternity. Are you honoring that call? Life is short. Will you choose to accept the mission?
