Quick preface: If you haven’t read my other blogs from Ecuador yet, here’s what you need to know before reading this one: I have been working for the past three months at Camp Hope, a day care for kids and adults with disabilities. I have worked in a class of 7 kids, although they aren’t really kids because they are ages 14 to 27. These 7 kids have varying physical, cognitive, and behavioral disabilities. I have cared for my class every day, Monday through Friday, alongside Martha, the sweetest nurse I’ve ever met.
When I first got to Camp Hope I felt so unqualified and so unprepared for the ministry. I remember walking into the room, called “paciencia” (patience) on day one, meeting Martha, and listening as she gave me the run down on what the days there will look like. She introduced me to each kid, and I laughed at how quickly I forgot their names right after. Spending those first 10 minutes with the kids helped me realize that yes, working in this room would in fact require a LOT of “paciencia.” Although I am very close to fluent in Spanish, I was overwhelmed receiving so much information at once, and in a language I hadn’t spoken for the past three months in South Africa. She taught me what exercises I would have to do with each kid, when to change Jeffrey’s bib, and how to help the ones who needed help in the bathroom. She showed me what pressure points to press on to get Dilan to lift up his head or keep walking, how to hold Julian’s shoulders so he will calm down, and how to make Juan calm when he gets overwhelmed. She talked to me about how to stop Dilan’s anxiety, how to figure out what Carolina wanted me to do for her based on the noises she made, how to keep Carlos focused, and how to cut up snacks to the right size bites for each specific kid. She took me outside to demonstrate how to work with the kids doing their stair reps or stepping over tires, and as soon as she walked back inside with the other kids, they would just NOT cooperate. I felt like the absolute LAST person who should be doing this.
But now three months later, these kids have stolen absolutely my heart. I know what makes each of them laugh, each one’s favorite toys and preferred activities, and how to work one-on-one with each of them. I know what makes them each upset, how to brush each kids teach without getting spit on or slapped away (haha), and I know exactly what makes them their unique selves. But here’s the thing. Even though they are a bit more higher functioning than a lot of the other kids at Camp Hope, there’s a lot they will never understand no matter how many times I say things to them. Although they recognize me (“profesora Reagan”) when I walk in every morning and get so excited to work with me, they most likely won’t remember me when I’m gone. When I say goodbye, they will probably understand it to mean “see you again tomorrow morning!” Maybe they’ll be looking for me and waiting for that knock on the door, or maybe not. Maybe they won’t remember a thing. In a way, that makes it easier, knowing their hearts won’t hurt as much as mine will. I didn’t know when I showed up to Camp Hope on day one that these kids would steal my heart and hold a big chunk of it forever. I didn’t know that they would be the most heartbreaking, tear-filled goodbye I’ve ever said in my life so far. But if they were able to hear and understand the words I say to them, and if they were able to remember my words, here’s what I wish they could hear from me:
To the class that stole my heart,
As tiring as this ministry was, you made every single day worth it. You went from being complete strangers that I didn’t know much about/didn’t know how to work with, to simply being my friends, to being the kids I cared for every day and gave my whole heart towards loving. I wish you could actually know how much I love you when I tell you daily, but above all I hope you felt loved simply by being with me. I hope I was a good reflection of the love of Jesus. I know I wasn’t always the most patient, but I really just hope I made you feel seen, known, and loved. Sure, I was there to help you learn and grow, but I know my greater purpose in being there was to show you love and attention you might not always receive. I would protect you with my life, I would do anything to make you happy and for you to feel loved.
Carlos,
You keep me laughing constantly. Anyone who meets you quickly catches on to your joyful spirit and energy. I’ll always remember you for the way you laugh as you made me copy every movement you make. I’ll never forget the way you bop your head back and forth when you like the music that is playing. I’ll never forget the way you loved my key necklace and always pretending you were unlocking a door with it. Or the way you always call me over to sit by you or just scoot closer to me no matter where I sit so you can lean up against me. I’ll smile forever at the way you blow me kisses from across the lunch room as I feed another kid. My heart bursts at how you “shop” with me now like they do in South Africa, and after teaching you that I don’t think you’ll ever stop sticking your thumb out to try and do it with other people. I’ll always cherish our *knock knock,* “quien es?” game we play in the little wooden house, and for the way you laugh and smile when I sing to you. It always made my day. You taught me to find joy even in there mundane tasks. If we were practicing setting the table and I was yawning, you’d clap and cheer when you put the spoon in the right spot and I’d start grinning ear to ear with you. You can make literally anything fun, from practicing sweeping, to playing with different textures, to ripping paper, to relaxing in the grass. I love the way you pretend to play air guitar or pretend to brush your teeth with your finger when you know it’s time for me to brush yours after lunch. I love the way you scream and laugh when the dinosaur toy “eats” your fingers and the way you always try to turn up the music on the radio when Tia Martha walks outside, so you can stand up and dance with me. I love the way you cover your face with towels or hide behind lego towers and pretend I can’t see you, and then peek your head out and laugh so hard when we make eye contact. I love the way you giggle when I sing the “saco mis manitos, los hago bailar” song, and the way you remember the fun little dance/actions every time. I love the way you do the actions right in my face to prove you remember them. I love the way you get so enthusiastic when I tell you to “touch your nose, touch your ears,” etc, and you can find every part so quickly, so of course you just have to show me how smart you are! I love the way you run to get the soccer ball when Martha says we can go to get the park, and how when I’m walking too slow to get there, you push me along from behind because you’re so excited to play. I love that you rush through your exercises because you know you get to play on the playground when we’re done. When we walk past the painting of the heart on the wall, I love seeing how excited you get to put your hands over your chest and show me where YOUR heart is. I’ll remember you as the one who always just wanted to help, and always was ready to work. I don’t think you know how proud you make me when you learn a new task or fold a shirt perfectly or finish that nine-piece barney puzzle you love so much. I don’t think you realize it, but you make profesora Reagan feel really loved and you always keep her smiling throughout a long day. Without even meaning to, you reminded me constantly why I was there, and never failed to make me laugh at your goofy self. Carlitos, you’re a day-maker for sure.
Jefferson,
You might just be the sweetest 27 year old to walk this earth. I have absolutely fallen in love with doing anything at all with you. You look out for your friends in paciencia. I smile so big when you lean over to wipe drool off Julians chin even though you have way more of it on your own, haha! I love when we see each other how you greet me with three high fives followed by a cute little fist bump. I love the way you pick that one toy car you love so much out of the toy bin as soon as it hits the table, and play with it the whole time until we have to put them all away. I love the way you clap for yourself when you do anything well, like when you get two legos to connect or when you finish your snack or make it up a flight of stairs during exercise time. Especially when you kick the soccer ball into the goal. I love seeing you so happy about accomplishing anything at all. I love the way you run to grab my hand when you see me in the morning, and the way your face lights up when I walk in. I love the way you won’t do your tire exercises unless I’m holding your hand, and the way you laugh, clap, and smile when I change you into a fresh clean bib after lunch or snack time. You were always quiet and calm until any form of music came on, then you were immediately up out of your chair and swinging your arms back and forth laughing. And you never stopped until someone had to be the bad guy and turn off the music. My favorite thing ever is when you and Julian dance together, and when that happens NO ONE can stop the two of you. I laugh so hard whenever you pretend to fall out of your chair so I have to help you back up. I love how excited you get when we go to the park, how you always run ahead of me, so fast that sometimes you lose your bib (just laughed out loud typing this because I pictured it HAHA). I love how when you’re on the swings, you try your hardest to tap the tree with your toes. I love how if we go outside to relax in the grass, you lay down and fall asleep within seconds, only to wake up and laugh when I call you out on it. I smile so big when you smile, because when you smile you put your whole body into it. You turn your head to the side and throw your arms up, and I’m pretty sure my heart grows three sizes every time you do it. I’ll remember you as always wanting to do what you can to help, whether it be with your classmates or with me. If Juan is building a lego tower you are quick to pass him the next piece to use. If Dilan’s turtle toy falls off the table you immediately get out of your chair to help find it. If I am trying to help Julian calm down you put your hand on his shoulder over mine to try to help. I always laugh at how you hog the little orange ball while we pass it back and forth across the table… How you roll it back and forth in your hand until someone else yells for you to pass it, then you just laugh and roll it back across the table. You love the people around you so well by being gentle, caring, and by lending a helping hand. You taught me that every little task is an opportunity to grow, no matter how boring or random it is, and that’s a lesson I want you to know I’ll hold onto in my own life. I’ll miss your cute little gap toothed smile and the way you always reach out for my hand to walk with me, even if I’m supposed to be walking the other direction. I’’ll mist the fist bumps and high fives. I’ll miss watching you kick the soccer ball, chasing after it, and then using your hand to stop the ball and set it up for your next kick. Jeffrey, you are there image of love, and I hope you know you brought me a whole lot of joy from getting to watch you learn so much every day.
Dilan,
The youngest of the paciencia bunch, my little sweetheart: From day one you reminded me of my little brother. So I gave my absolute all to everything I did with you, no matter how impatient I felt. You taught me to have such a crazy amount of loving patience, an amount I didn’t even know I had in me. You taught me to say “it’s okay” when the soapy water or flour gets dumped on my pants and shoes, because I know you never mean any harm. I laugh whenever you fall asleep with your head down on the table. I just about DIED of cuteness overload when you showed up that one Monday with new glasses. I absolutely love the way you scream and laugh when the turtle toy rolls across the table, and I laugh when you yell until I wind it back up again. I love the way you laugh when you swing, and the way you never last more than 10 seconds swinging by yourself, because all you wanna do is come sit on my lap so we can swing together. When we’re swinging I love the way you look me in the eyes and smile the biggest smile, then touch your forehead to mine and laugh. I love how when I take off your shoes in the park, you get such a kick out of feeling the grass on the bottom of your feet. And speaking of feet, I always laugh at how you always manage to kick off your right shoe and lose it somewhere under the table. I love the way you smile while you eat. I love how when I’m washing your feet and playing music, you smile the whole time and kick your feet back and forth in the bowl of water. I always laugh when I’m helping you wash your hands and you try to drink the tap water instead of putting your hands underneath. My favorite thing ever is when you bear hug me while we walk, to the point where you trip over my feet, but you just never want to let go. A little drool on my shirt is SO worth those bear hugs. I love how when we do stair exercises, you stop at the window to watch the kids playing at the preschool across the street. I love how you giggle and point when one of them topples over. And I love the way you hold my hand and side hug me while we do the stairs. I’ll never forget the time you gave me the biggest tightest hug when we got to the top. I literally almost cried it was so sweet. I have loved working with you first thing every morning, when we raise our hands and Martha and I sing to the class, and I help you hold your hands up the whole time. When it’s time to touch our noses and eyes and mouths, I help you locate every part and you smile when your hand meets each part. I love the way you lay on my lap when we sit on the green bench in the park, and how you never want to leave that bench. I know you hate doing your tire exercise, but I love the way your face lights up when you make it to the end and step over that last tire. I love the way you rub your hands together when you’re really excited about something. I’ve been so blessed to witness an incredible amount of growth in you over these last three months. For example, when I first got to Camp Hope, I had to dangle the golden snowflakes over your head while we walked so you would look at them and hold your head up high. But you don’t need them anymore, because you learned how to hold your head up straight without them! A victory SO worth celebrating, no matter how small! You weren’t allowed to play outside with the older kids because we worried they would knock you down, but last week you started playing soccer with Julian and you have no idea how much joy that brought me to see you playing with others. Dilan, you don’t smile as much as some of the other kids. But when you do, it makes me happier than anything. Seeing your face light up fills my heart, and I will never, EVER forget that sweet smile. In a sweet but simple way, you reminded me of a little piece of home; my brother. Even though you had no idea about that, it was something I didn’t know I needed. I’ll remember you as the one who, although sometimes was hard to work with, was SO easy to love. Watching you learn and grow has been such a blessing.
Janeth,
From day one Martha told me you wouldn’t ever work with me because you only like to work alone with her. It turns out that just wasn’t true! Near the end of my time at Camp Hope you became less shy, and if the room wasn’t too crowded, you came to sit at the table with me. And wow did that make me so happy to see you comfortable enough to leave your bench in the corner and come laugh with me. I LOVE that laugh of yours, I love the way anything and everything is just so funny to you. I smile at how you fall asleep on your bench as soon as you get to the room every morning. I love the way you stand right behind me when I’m preparing snacks because you know something yummy is coming. I think it’s so funny how you try to chase the horses at horse therapy even if it’s someone else’s turn to ride them. I love the random little words you shout out, and how you laugh at yourself about it. I laugh every time you dump the lego box out the window, even though that means I have to go clean therm up. And every time I look away and you put all the clothespins down your shirt to try and hide them. I like the way you prefer someone else’s lap over your own chair every time. It’s adorable. I love seeing you working hard when the boys go outside to play, and I think it’s so funny how you only like to be productive if they aren’t around. I love your little yogurt mustache every time you drink one of those yogurt drinks, and how it usually stays there for a bit until someone else notices. Janeth, I have loved watching you come more and more out of your shell with those around you, and becoming more and more willing to learn. I’m going to miss watching all of your progress, because it warms my heart knowing you are growing each and every day.
Carolina,
You stole my heart so fast. One of the first things I learned when I came to Camp Hope was to NEVER sit in your chair, because it’s only for you and you love that spot so much. I love how you fall asleep at the table a lot, even sitting straight up. I love all your cute little noises you make when you are content, and how you say “rico” after putting anything in your mouth. I love your little scrunched up face when you’re happy. I have loved going on walks with you in the park, sitting on the green bench, and just relaxing in the sun. I think it’s cute how you hate sitting in the shade and always look for the sunniest spot, away from all the boys of course. I love your little sparkly Skechers haha! When we sit on the bench in the park I love how you look at me, then to the mandarina tree until I realize you want me to go pick you one. Then you watch as I try to climb the tree and reach the best one I can find. As soon as I peel it for you you always eat it so fast and squint your eyes because I know those things are sour! I will never forget the time I told you we couldn’t go move into the sun until you finished your mandarina, so your eyes got wide and you shoved the WHOLE thing into your mouth and stood up. I laughed so hard. My heart melts when you grab my hand to kiss it, or hold our your little plastic hamster toy so I can kiss him. I love how you call him “Mijito” and call out his name every morning until I take him down from the shelf and put him in your hand. I think it’s super cute how you don’t like coming right to the room after lunch because you want to sit in your favorite spot on the ledge outside for a bit first. And I think it’s funny how you whine when I try to pick you up too soon, because chances are you didn’t get your fill of sunshine yet and I need to leave you there for a bit longer. I thought it was just the cutest thing ever when I saw a butterfly in the park with you, said the word “mariposa,” and then you repeated the word perfectly. You are so so smart. I’m going to miss the way you hold my hand no matter what we are doing, and the way you always hold your favorite toy between our two hands because you don’t want to let go of it either. I’ll never forget the time Martha and I were overjoyed because you started putting the toys back in the basket when you were done, because we had never seen you put things away before. It made me so happy. I’m going to miss the hand kisses and resting in the sun and relaxing walks. Working with you was always a breath of fresh air and a chance to slow down a bit within the usually busy days. You are loved, sweet girl.
Juan,
Oh Juanito, spending time with you was always crazy and fun. How awesome is it that my last full day with you was your birthday and I got to celebrate you before saying goodbye! It was such a fun day full of laughter and joy, even when you got a hold of the spray foam and we couldn’t stop you from spraying every staff member who walked by. I laugh every time you lay in the grass in that little model pose, and how you pick grass and put it in your hair. And when you secretly put it in your classmates’ hair when they aren’t paying attention, or how you like to blow it at me. I love your little vest you wear every day, and the way you run your hands through your hair when something is funny or when you’re resting. I love it when you lay in my lap when we sit in the grass, and look up at me smiling. Your laugh is literally my favorite sound. I love how when we look at magazines, you only like looking at the one with the picture of the moto on the first page. I love how you excited you get to show me your moto sounds and pretend your hands are holding the handlebars. And I love how you do the same thing if you hear one drive by while we are in there park. I laugh every time you have “told the moto story” since coming back from your family trip in Argentina. I know in your head you know what you’re talking about, but I love how you just mumble and make moto sounds, then laugh at yourself a whole lot. I wish I knew how the story actually goes, but even though I don’t understand, I love it when you tell it. I love how when you walk you like to yell “BOOM” with every single step you take, stomping on the ground as hard as you can. I love how when Martha tells you to come back to class, you run to grab onto me as if I’m going to get you out of it. I forgive you for all the times you hit me while I brush your teeth, I know you just really don’t like having them brushed, haha! Everyone who knows you knows that you’re known for the way you tap people on the shoulder, point to anything or anyone, and then put your hands out as if to say “what?” Or “I don’t know,” with a soft smile and eyebrows raised. When I think of you that’s the face you’re always making in my head! Then you throw your hand over your shoulder as if to say “ah, never mind.” You’re hilarious and you never fail to make anyone around you crack up laughing when you do that. Lego time was always your favorite, but I found it so funny how you never actually stuck the legos together the right way, you only stacked them on their sides into towers. You always yelled for everyone to look at how tall your tower was, and then would blow on it to knock it down. Of course this made the whole table erupt in laughter, especially you. Sometimes if Dilan was asleep on the table the towers falling would wake him right up. I love how sometimes you laugh so hard that you put your head down on the table and pound your fist against it. Or how when you laugh hard while we’re playing soccer, you bend over and slap your leg like whatever just happened is the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. I will always laugh when I think about the day you wouldn’t stop putting your mouth up to the bottle and saying “oooh,” and I’ll never forget how hard you made Dilan laugh at it. I thought it was so funny when the whole class was looking through magazines and you looked through an earring catalog for 45 minutes, and were surprisingly really entertained. I love watching how determined you are when you’re working on putting the little beans into the water bottle one at a time. Then when you know I’m watching you give me the biggest smile because you know you’re doing well! I love how you always yell for Enrique when you see him walk by, it always cracks me up. Don’t even get me started on soccer time, when Martha tells me to go play soccer with you I KNOW it’s gonna be a good time. I love your cute little stance as you get ready to run. I love the way you run full force to kick the ball, and when I have the ball, all you do is yell “a mi a mi a mi!!!” I love how you when you’re getting ready to kick the ball, you set it up with your hand and then yell “mira mira MIRA” until I watch with full attention. And the funniest part of all, when you throw your fists up in the air and yell “GOLLLLL” even if the ball ended up nowhere near the goal. I love how every once in awhile you’ll just mumble “casi gol” because you know it didn’t go in. And even when we get back to class, you keep on saying “case gol” as if reminding me of everything that just happened outside. I love the way you call me tia, and how you say it while tapping me on the shoulder repeatedly to make sure you ALWAYS have my attention. I’ll miss there way you laugh at yourself when you throw the little orange ball at the ceiling instead of rolling it to someone else like you’re supposed to. I’ll miss your cute little scream when its time to put your feet in water or play with shaving cream, because they’re feelings you’re just not used to. I’m pretty sure your smile and your laugh are things I will never ever forget. Thank you Juan for giving me some of the funniest memories of my Race so far. Everyone who meets you comes to me with funny stories and they always tell me how much they make you laugh. I’m grateful I got to be your Tia. Hopefully you stop using bad words soon, haha!
Julian,
Your smile quite possibly be my favorite sight to see. I love when you’re in your element, dancing with Jeffrey nonstop. I love the way you dance, how you scream and laugh and bounce up and down. I LOVE how much you love music therapy, and just the music room in general. I love how even though your vocabulary consists of only a few words, “musica” is your favorite word to say. When we pass the room on the way to the park, you point and say “musica” with the biggest smile. Or if we’re in the room and you want me to plug the radio in, you look at me and say it over and over until I get some music playing. Taking you to the music room to work with you one on one was my absolute favorite thing. First of all because when you found out that’s where we were going, I had never seen you so excited. And second of all because that meant you could hit the wooden sticks together or bang a drum for 30 whole minutes. I love how concentrated you get during lego time, and how you always yell “mira” until I look at your tower and acknowledge at least three times how good you’re doing at stacking them. When we play with the basket of toys, I love how you always put the plastic spider on your head and then look at me until I notice and pretend to be scared. I love how you giggle when I make it walk up your arm. I love how you make tiger/dinosaur noises whenever you’re holding one of those toys, and then push it towards me as if it’s eating me. You never stop until I play dead on the table. I love how you hold your stuffed animals so tight, or how if you’re holding the baby doll you hold it will so much care. I’m so happy you love the stuffed penguin I brought you SO MUCH. I think it’s so funny how no matter what animal I ask you to imitate, you always moo like a cow. I’ll never forget the time we were looking through magazines and you saw the picture of the cow, and pronounced the word “vaca” with ease, followed by the biggest smile and a loud “moo.” I love how ducks are clearly your favorite animal, and whenever we do flashcards and you see the duck, you yell “PATO” and sometimes even make your arms into little duck wings and flap them. Seeing you learn and pick up on new things makes me so so happy. I always laugh when you call me “niña” and I have to remind you by asking what you’re actually supposed to call me, until you smile and say “tia.” I love going to the park with you, and I love how you always hold my hand SO tight and run straight to the swings. I’ve never seen you more happy than when you’re swinging. If there is ANYONE else around you in the park, you yell until they watch you swing. I love how sometimes you zone out and stop swinging, then smile and realize where you are, and keep going with even more joy. Even though you seem to trip and fall more than you’d like, I laugh at the way you just smile as soon as you get back up. When it’s time to relax in the grass, I always think it’s so funny how you just throw yourself down on the ground, then scoot over so you can lay your head on my knee. Sorry you and Juan always have to fight for that spot. I laugh at the way you pretend snore when you lay in the grass. I don’t like it when you fart, because lets be honest, we both know you do it too much haha! But at least it makes you laugh really hard. I think it’s cute how you get shy when Susy comes out of her room or sits by you. I also think it’s adorable how “Susy” found it’s way into your vocabulary as well. I love the way you throw your head back and yell “AY” when I have to remind you to pull your pants up higher (lol) or when it’s time to go back to class. That “AY” gets especially louder when it’s time to get off the swing or when music therapy is over. And I always get a good laugh when you want to water the plants, so I fill up the watering can and turn around for a few seconds, only to turn around and see that you dumped all the water IN BETWEEN the rows of plants instead of on top of them. It happens one of two ways, either that, or you dump ALL of it on the one tiny plant in the corner and laugh. Julian, I’m really going to miss your joy and your energy. I’ll miss your smile and your big heavy laugh. Above all I will miss seeing how PROUD of yourself you get when you do something right or complete one of your tasks/exercises. The way you clap using the back of your hand. You can tell you’re just so proud of the things you’re learning, and it’s so sweet to watch. You stole a huge chunk of my heart kiddo.
So to the whole class of paciencia, Thank you for the countless memories I’ll hold onto forever. I’m glad each and every one of you have a safe and loving place to call home, whether that be families of your own or Casa Hogar. It makes me happy to know you are cared for in the ways that you are. Three months with you all flew by way quicker than I would have liked it to, but I still cherish every second I got to spend in class with you. I won’t be upset if you don’t remember me, I know it’s not your fault. But know that you’ve touched my heart in ways I didn’t see coming, and I’ll never forget you all. I’ll never stop loving you with my whole heart and praying for each of you. Seven huge pieces of my heart stayed with you all at Camp Hope when I walked out for the last time. I held it together when I waved goodbye one last time and shut the door behind me, but the truth is as soon as I stepped outside I lost it. You were my sweetest hellos every morning, and you were my hardest goodbye. I didn’t know I’d fall in love with each of you like I did, but I’m thankful for knowing people who make goodbyes so hard. It means there was a whole lot of love there. I wish I could stay and see your sweet faces a little longer, but even though this is goodbye, I’m so thankful for each of you. I’m thankful for all you taught me, even when I was supposed to be the one teaching you.
When I walked out one last time, you probably didn’t understand that I actually meant “goodbye.” I meant that I won’t be back tomorrow morning again. I really, REALLY wish it didn’t have to be that way. But it comforts me at least knowing that if you don’t remember me, you won’t be too sad. Maybe for a little while you’ll keep looking out the window for profesora Reagan to walk in again. And hey, maybe one day I will. I really hope one day I will. But for now, thank you for everything, and for three incredibly impactful months. When my team got to Ecuador and were assigned this ministry, our host warned us that the goodbyes would “rip our hearts out.” I don’t think I ever could have predicted this. I never thought it would be this hard, and I never thought I could love people this much. In just three short months, the seven of you quickly became the seven biggest pieces of my heart I have ever given away. Don’t forget the things Martha and I tell you every morning: You are LOVED, you are INTELLIGENT, you are RESPECTED, you are BRAVE, you are VALUED, you are UNIQUE, and you are a CHILD OF GOD. Even if you don’t remember your American profesora, I hope you at least remember those things. I love you all with my whole heart. Ciao mis amores, profesora Reagan will miss you more than you’ll ever know. <3
