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As I sat on the bus crying and feeling the pain and violation that just occurred, Caleb challenged me to find God and to be awake to His presence in every second of what just happened, what was currently happening, and what was going to happen as it says in Present Perfect. I started to cry and as I think about it in reflection and I finally saw the Truth…
I know God was crying with me. I got back to the church, up to our room, sitting on my sleeping pad, and put my headphones in. I began to listen to worship music and search for God. I sobbed and God snuggled up behind me, wrapped me in His arms and pulled me into His lap and let me cry. He said nothing; He didn’t condemn me; He didn’t ask me what I felt in my heart; He didn’t tell me I needed grace or mercy, nor did He invalidate my feelings by telling me “everything will be alright”. He quietly held me and allowed me to feel… to feel the pain, but to feel the warmth of His embrace and the depth of His love by simply being with me.
Though my pain separated me from Him, He has been redeeming the separation and bringing me closer to Him and He has chosen me to be a witness to declare and show the glory in my separation. He has worked it all for His glory and His good and to grow our relationship and intimacy.
As I shared this with Mariah, the Spirit plucked me in the head and clarified “finding God’s presence in every moment in every day is not about seeing what God is DOING, instead it as about acknowledging His presence; acknowledging that He is here and never left me.” Then the Spirit dropped the mic and walked out of the conversation LOL. I’m being silly; that didn’t really happen, but I’m saying that to say that was a big shift of mindset for me. I want to brainwashed with that mind set.
“As Papa’s arms enfolded Mack he began to cry. “Let it all out,” he heard Papa’s whisper, and he finally was able to do just that. He closed his eyes as the tears poured out. Missy and her memories again flooded his mind; visions of coloring books and crayons and torn and bloody dresses. He wept until he had cried out all the darkness, all the longing and all the loss, until there was nothing left.”
Excerpt From: William P. Young. “The Shack.”
This was the worst, yet best expereince I’ve had on the Race. The experience of just being loved by my Father. And to be honest, it made all the situations worth it. It still hurts when pain happens and I will never get used to it, but as the Bible promises, and as I know how faithful He is, I know that God will never ever leave me.
“God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, Before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains. Jacob-wrestling God fights for us, GOD -of-Angel-Armies protects us.”
??Psalm? ?46:1-3? ?MSG??
