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It started the second we got on the plane of South African Airlines…
There are a lot of flight attendants who are African American in the States, but it was a weird feeling to see EVERY attendant as dark as me, as curvy as me, if not curvier, hair with similar texture as me, and come to the realization that I am not a minority in every part of the world.
Intellectually my brain already knew this, but it is so different to see it, to feel it, to experience it….
I should have been excited about this; joyful, elated even! Instead, I was overwhelmed and outright apprehensive. I wrote in my journal “I’m so overwhelmed right now. So much so that I can’t really organize my thoughts and articulate why.”
If I am being totally transparent I have to admit that I did not choose this route because it went through Africa. If anything I was excited about every continent except Africa. But I would imagine that is exactly why God chose this route for me.
When I decided to defer to an October route, I chose Route 4 and if I remember correctly I chose that route specifically because it did NOT go to Africa. I remember telling my friend about the countries on Route 4 and she pointed out that it did not have any countries in Africa. I shrugged it off and pursued Route 4, but when it came down to it my mobilizer put me on my current route. When I began to pursue Route 4 again God plucked me in the head and told me to “be still”, so I obeyed.
Up until the day I got on the plane to Africa I really had not thought about the country or what to expect. I was only excited about Africa because it was a change of pace from Asia. But I’m sure that God has been excited about my time in Africa all along.
The flight to Johannesburg, South Africa was amazing even though I started to notice this emotional heaviness that was setting over me. My security was challenged as I watched our black flight crew treat me a little less hospitably than the rest of my squad. I wondered “is this what I should expect in Africa”? My feelings were slightly hurt. I watched most of the movie Queen of Katwe, by recommendation of my mother, while on the plane and found myself crying on and off throughout the movie. As I got off the plane in Jo-burg I found myself crying and extremely sensitive to all the happenings around me.
We arrived in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, made it through immigration after about 2 hours, and then met our host.
The airport we arrived in was extremely small. We walked out of the terminal into the welcoming lounge of the airport and had all eyes on us because everyone in the lounge was a ministry host for one of our five teams. I remember looking at all the faces that were tired and expectant as they had been waiting at least 2 hours to receive us through immigration. I was the first person out so I apologized to the crowd of people and informed them that all the teams were on the way out. I had no idea what our ministry host looked like so instead I spoke the name of our ministry. “Our team is here to work with Burke’s Paradise”. As I looked around to see who responded a strong, yet meek, white man approached me.
Let me stop and say I seriously love the Burkes and this has been my best and most favorite month on the Race as you will see in the following posts…
But at the second, I was completely confused and somewhat annoyed as the thought that crossed my mind was “Lord, are you serious?” It was almost as if God was playing a joke a me; a joke I didn’t understand. Some how I was excited to be in a situation and racial dynamic similar to home and not so far out of my comfort zone, but I couldn’t understand why God had me all rallied up with emotion if the dynamic was not truly changing.
In the first team time with my team I explained to them that I was feeling very emotional and sensitive whilst here in Africa. I explained that I had no idea why my emotions were on 10. I explained that already the squad has this misconception that since I am black that they expected me to have this connection with Africa. By the comments from the squad, it was obvious to them that since I am black this should be the best time of the Race for me. Since I’m black I should feel at home in Africa.
Emotional is probably an understatement of how I was feeling…
But I shared the truth of how I actually felt as well. The truth was I was feeling more isolated and alone than ever since being in Africa. I felt in Asia I should stand out because I look different and I simply am different. In Africa, it was almost like I felt the opposite… I didn’t look different at all, but I was very different. Thanks to the African features that my Nigerian father passed on to me I looked like everyone else. But I still didn’t “fit in”. I may have a father from Nigeria, but I don’t know him and didn’t grow up with him. I didn’t grow up with African culture around me. I have never been to Africa before. I have no more connection to this continent than any other black American person. I don’t speak the language. This is far from my home.
Lord, WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE? Why am I an emotional wreck? Why do I feel like I got to this continent and lost my mind? Why? Why? Why?!?
I expect my time in Africa to be interesting. I know that God has an amazing plan for me here and what he will teach me during my time here.
Lord, I am praying for an open heart as you reveal your plan to me.
Transition
