So, this month my team is serving at Testimony Feeding Center, which is a home where orphans are accepted, loved, and empowered to pursue their God given potentials. During the school year they arrive every morning and receive breakfast and lunch before boarding the bus to school. On Saturdays they stay all day and enjoy a jam-packed day of activities. During the summer the children stay here 6 days a week from 9-5, receive meals, arts and crafts, songs, sports, and most importantly the love of Jesus. We are also teaching and loving on the kiddos at a refugee camp. We are not allowed to speak the name of Jesus but are trusting and praying for the Holy Spirit to move through every smile, hug, and interaction we have with our wonderful students and their families.
While this ministry is my passion, I honestly have been overwhelmed by all that God is doing and by all that I cannot see Him doing. It has taken me awhile to blog because God has been teaching me that in the sight of unfathomable pain I am not called to shut down and keep moving forward. I am called to trust Him and be His hands and feet. He desires for me to share my frustrations and brokenness especially in times when I cannot see His goodness or feel His presence.
When we feel blessed in life, and things are going our way, we turn to God in praise and thanksgiving. But what happens when we experience just the opposite? What happens when we are overcome by the presence of chaos, brokenness, suffering and death, or by a sudden sense of our human vulnerability, as in death of a child or spouse, orphans desperate for attention, starvation, unforeseen illness.
We lament. Lament can be described as a loud, religious “Ouch!” Think about when you hurt physically, say you stub your pinkie toe on the couch or slice your finger while dicing an onion. What do you do? Perhaps say a few choice words, scream, basically cry out in pain. When you hurt religiously, meaning all you see is pain and suffering and God is a foggy presence covered by sin, we are called to cry out in lament.
Lament corrects a false, naïve and overly rationalistic view of faith; such as once you choose to believe in Jesus, everything is fine and dandy. Faith is not simply an intellectual agreement to some statement about God. It is the trusting of our entire selves to God, even the parts we’d like to keep hidden. Realistically since God’s thoughts are higher than mine and I am not promised to understand everything He does it results in times when I experience God’s absence. Where I feel alone and confused, and I doubt.
I doubt if miracles still happen. If pursuing people is worth the risk of being hurt. If my voice matters or if God will speak through me. I doubt if I hear from Him. I doubt if God hears me and if He will answer….
Something I have had to surrender is that doubt does not mean I lack faith. God wants me to share my doubts with Him and let Him speak truth into them, not keep them hidden so they can grow and shadow the truth. Doubt is not opposed to faith; despair is. We see this in the case of the father who brought his son to Jesus for healing. When Jesus encouraged the father to have faith, he replied, “I do believe, help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24).
Even Saint Paul tells us he was “perplexed, but not driven to despair” (2 Corinthians 4:8). In despair we give up on our relationship with God. We lose hope and lose sight of what truly matters. Doubt, on the other hand, is a sign that our faith is alive and is an opportunity for our trust in God and His character to increase.
This month I have been learning how to lament and God has revealed that it is an act of faith. There’s actually a whole book in the Bible regarding lamenting and the psalms are full of tough questions and cries of pain. The difference between lamenting and complaining is when we lament we call out directly to God because deep down we know our relationship with God is valued. We know He is good and He cares for us. When we complain we are sharing with others from a point of frustration, hopelessness, and sole focus on the negative. Complaining is fixated on us and our understanding of things and does not shift back to the Creator of the Universe.
Lamenting is teaching me that there are things I do not understand and may never fully comprehend. Which is ok and to be expected because God does not say, “Do not fear; you will understand everything and have all the answers.” My human mind can take me only so far. Then comes faith. This month especially is full of times when all I can do is share my confusion with God. Lamentations and Psalms have been showing me that it is all right to express my uncensored feelings before God.
Feelings are real and created by God. They will not go away if we do not recognize them and deal with them constructively. If we only keep moving forward, they will go underground. At least for a time. Yet one day they will pop up in destructive ways. Praise Jesus for a constructive way to deal with them; lament.
The structure of lament tells us that it is possible to praise too soon. The psalmist takes the time to let all the pain and anger out before the praise can set in.
During one of our devotionals Britt encouraged us to write our own lament. It was extremely helpful because up until then I had been pushing aside everything I was seeing and telling God we would deal with it later. But He was gently reminding me that He is in the present and wants all of me every moment. Not a future me who has attempted to rationalize the experiences this month. But the me who is currently struggling to see God at work. The me who is heart broken for the precious little ones. The me who does not fully understand how this is working things out for good. The me who doubts God’s plan in this. He wants every part of me. Even the vulnerable, confused, and broken pieces. By lamenting I was able to express how I felt and what I am seeing with out restriction and choose to still praise God for who He truly is. So here goes my first lament.
LORD you say you see all,
You are in control of all,
You are working everything out for your will.
Yet do you see this pain?
Do you hear the cries for justice and love?
Do you feel every heart break?
I’m overwhelmed by every tear stained face coated in mud, bugs, and sores.
I weep with every lost childhood, every beating, every sickness, every cry to simply hold my hand.
The hunger for love in tangible and ravenous.
How can that be when you are love? — steadfast, pure, never-ending, unconditional.
How is this suffering your will?
Why is sin running rampant in these little lives?
How long do they need to starve for love, a warm bed, a safe embrace and security of a full belly?
You are omnipresent, yet these tragedies are before you! Where are you in this?
Show up LORD. Wrap these children in your comforting arms.
Make known to them the grace of salvation.
Wipe away every tear, heal every affliction, and overflow your love, peace, and joy.
Use my hands and feet to showcase your kindness and goodness.
Use my mouth to speak your truth and love.
Use my arms to hug and hold those in need.
Use my smiles and expressions to reveal your joy and make others feel known.
I rest and endure knowing you have been at work for good since the foundations of the earth; and I am the one who tainted your perfection.
So LORD remove me from this place and overflow more of you.
Keep my heart and mind surrendered to your good and perfect will.
Redeem what is lost, heal the broken, and love the seemingly forgotten.
Raise these children up to be more than conquerors.
You are good.
You are trustworthy.
You are love.
You are present.
My prayer after you read this (hopefully you made it to the end, I know it’s long lol) is that you’ll be encouraged to freely express your pain and frustrations with the chaos that sin causes and lament. Invite God into the area of your life where things don’t make sense. Areas where you feel burdened by the suffering around you. But after you share it all with our Heavenly Father who cares so deeply for you, then you’ll hopefully be able to praise and thank Him even in the unknown.
