This is a journal entry I wrote a few hours after I preached at a Sunday church service:
　
　
November 25, 2012
God, Daddy, You are so good! My prayer has been for you to “break my heart for what breaks Yours”. To give me compassion for your people. I shared the word today during our Sunday service here in Swaziland. I had this word a few weeks before. I definitely felt scared and nervous knowing that in a few weeks I would be going up in front of people and sharing your word. I had a feeling though that this was something that I needed to do. I did not really want to share but I felt a need and an urgency to do it. Like God needed me to share it. Jamie, Jillian and Laine prayed for me last night. Jamie and Jillian prayed for me again this morning. So did Imelda and Richard.
During worship I had this feeling of sadness come over me as I watched and listened to the children singing worship. It just hit me that these children are orphans. That they have no parents. I held the feeling in. I said in my head “Keep it together. Your gonna share the word now”. As I shared, with a smile on my face the whole time, I felt a calmness and a peace in my heart. As I sat down one of the teenage orphan girls said to me “Raquel, that was powerful”. I smiled and said “thank you”. My heart was filled with an overwhelming feeling. I got back up in front and asked if anyone needed prayer for anything to come up. A few people came up. One came stood before me. Her husband is the man that they announced that he was in the hospital. She wanted prayer for him. So I prayed for her and her husband. I felt like I wasn’t really making sense but she received it and thanked me. A few other racers were praying for other people. And that’s when t hit me again. That feeling of sadness. In my head I said “Oh my goodness. These people have no other hope but God. They are desperate. They are so thankful for prayer. They have nothing. And these children have no parents to love them”. I saw Jamie praying for a little boy with some kind of mental disorder. I prayed in my head for him as well but this feeling of sadness grew stronger and stronger. I left the chapel, walked behind it and sat down on a pipeline.
I totally lost it and began sobbing and weeping to God. I asked Him why these children had no parents. I said it wasn’t fair. I cried for the people who have nothing. My heart was broken for every child and adult here on this mountain. I cried and cried and cried. I saw the mound of dirt where they buried the little baby orphan who died earlier this year. I wept even more and couldn’t understand why they had to suffer. Then God spoke to me. He said “This is what you asked for…This is how I feel…I love them”. I thanked Him for answering my prayers but continued weeping and asked God how I could love them. He brought me back to the message I had just shared about loving like God loves.
I got up and walked back to my hut. When I walked in another hurting and overwhelming feeling came over my and I sobbed and wept even more. I grabbed a tissue and went outside to sit on the rocks and cried to God some more. God broke my heart for what breaks His. He answered my prayers as soon as I obeyed what He wanted me to do, which was share His word. After more crying and praying and singing, I got up and came in my room. Jillian and Jamie were there and asked if I was ok. I share with them everything that has happened to me and how I was feeling. I began crying again. They both encouraged me and affirmed what Christ is doing in my life. Feeling compassion for others hurts. It is so overwhelming but good at the same time. I pray that this burden and broken heart that I have will be used to continue bringing God’s love to people. And to bring the kingdom here on earth. You are so faithful God!!!!!
