I’m just going to put this right out there. The time between training camp and launch is difficult.
I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect to feel so anxious, and doubtful all the time. I didn’t expect to be paralyzed by fear. I didn’t expect to cry about as much as I did at training camp. I didn’t expect to want to be back with my squad so badly.
I quit my job before I left for training camp, so my days haven’t been packed like they were before I went to Georgia. But while they feel slower, at the same time it feels like time is going fast. Too fast.
There are 36 days until I Launch on the World Race. There are 20 days until my next financial deadline, for which I need about $2,500. If time could slow down, that’d be greaaaat. But also, if time would speed up, that’d be greaaaat. I miss my squad! I miss my team! I’m ready to just do this. I’m ready to stop thinking about it and talking about it, I’m ready to GO.
I feel like a walking contradiction all the time. My brain is in a million different places (hence this all-over-the-place blog post). I can’t quite get myself to feel steady, ever. There is a laundry list of things I need to take care of before launch. I want to spend time with my family and friends, I need to open a Charles Schwab account, I have 3 more vaccines to get, I need to do the whole power of attorney thing, I need to fundraise!, I need to figure out what I’m packing, I need to sell stuff, and the list goes on and on and on. Do you remember back in college when you had so much to do that you just took a nap? That’s how I feel, except I don’t always get to take a nap (sometimes I do though!).
People keep asking me if I’m excited to leave. That’s a hard question for me. I think I’m excited to go, but I’m not excited to leave. Does that make sense? I’m ready to do this thing (see above), but I’m not ready for all the goodbyes. I’m not ready to leave my brother, especially since a 5 year old doesn’t fully understand what it means that his Sissy is leaving for 11 months (however, he does know that he’ll be SIX AND A HALF when I get back). I’m not ready for my friends to move on with their lives and make a year of memories without me. I’m not ready to leave air conditioning, my comfortable bed, sweet tea, coffee and comfort. But at the same time I am ready to leave that stuff. See? Walking contradiction.
I know that big things are about to happen. I know the Lord is going to use the World Race to change me in ways I never thought possible. I know He’s going to reveal Himself to me through the people we come in contact with. I know He’s going to use my team to come alongside, support, and encourage the long term missionaries with whom we partner. I know that. I want that. And I’m excited for that.
But going means leaving. And leaving is hard.
Here we are, back to the beginning. The time between training camp and launch is difficult. I’m kinda a mess, whether I show it outwardly or not. But honestly, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I’m on the brink of an amazing adventure. It’s okay that I’m freaking out. It’s okay that, sometimes, I don’t want to go. It’s okay that stepping out into the unknown makes me uncomfortable.
Because I have a good, good Father. It’s who He is, and I am loved by Him. It’s who I am.
The echoes of this song we sang at training camp have not left me. When I am in the middle of a breakdown, these words flood my mind. And then I am reminded, reminded that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
As I mentioned, I only have 20 days left until my next financial deadline. I must have $10,000 in my World Race account to be able to Launch with my squad.
If you have considered donating but haven’t gotten around to it, please consider giving now. Any amount helps. Any amount is appreciated.
I know the Lord will provide the funds, because He is good, and He has called me to the World Race. Will you be a part of that?
