Struggle bus – noun. Used to metaphorically describe a difficult situation, as in hard schoolwork.
I wish hard schoolwork was the only thing I’ve been struggle bussing lately. In reality, struggle bus has been my “word” for the last couple weeks. Can I just be honest with y’all? I’m not doing great at the moment – in any area of life.
School
I. Am. So. Over. School. I’ve been busting my butt in academics since I was in 2nd grade. I always had top grades, always pushed myself way too far, and expected complete perfection. Jump forward to the present time – last semester, senior year of college.
I have no fight left in me.
I don’t want to do anything. I finish 10 page papers 8 minutes before I have to leave for the class. I take an online test an hour before it’s due. I post the absolute minimum for any discussion board. I just don’t care anymore.
Please don’t tell me “Just keep going. You’re almost done. You can do it.” I know that. I know I’ll finish. I know it’ll be fine. But right now, I’m struggling to keep going.
Work
Confession. I’ve had 12 jobs in 6 years of working. I haven’t found a job yet that I genuinely enjoy – that the good outweighs the bad.
And I’m at the point in my current job where I dread going to work almost every day. I am not the type of person cut out for retail. The general public is just too hard to work with. And I’m not a good enough person to keep it up. Plus, I don’t get paid enough to put up with their crap.
But I don’t have a choice.
It’s not likely that I’m going to find a job willing to let me work only until the end of August who is also willing to give me two weeks off in July for training camp.
God
I have not been making time with the Lord a priority in my day at all. Today was also the first time I’d been to church in three weeks. I’m lucky if I even actually pray at any point in the day. It’s not that I don’t have time, I’m just filling that time with less important but more appealing things.
This. Is. The. Devil.
He knows I’m weak at the moment, and he’s seizing his opportunity. Essentially, I’m allowing him to by not fighting against him.
Because I’m not in the Word, and Satan is attacking me, I’ve fallen back into some old sin patterns. I’m so thankful to have solid Christian people in my life in whom I can confide and rely on for support and prayer. I’d be in a much darker place if it weren’t for them.
When I first joined the World Race, I thought the time leading up to launch was going to be one of great spiritual growth, and it has been. But what I didn’t foresee was the time I’m in right now. It’s hard. Really hard.
I wish I could end this blog with some conclusion about how the Lord revealed something to me and it changed my perspective on everything. It just hasn’t happened. Yet.
But my God is faithful. His love is everlasting. The struggle bus I’m on is not changing His love for me. This does not come as a surprise to Him. He is shaping and refining me.
I will come out stronger in the end.
T-shirts are still for sale through March 5th. I don’t have quite enough requests to put an order in, and I’m nowhere near my goal of selling 75. I’m okay with that though. Still, if you’d like to purchase a shirt (details here) please let me know by March 5th as I’ll need your payment before I can place the order. Thanks so much for your support!
