It has been 13 days since the biggest transition of my life, and with transitions comes emotions. Lots of ‘em. I cannot put into words how much joy has filled this house and how much fun we’ve all been having, but I wouldn’t be honest if I left out all the crap. Yeah there has been some crap; as my dad calls it, “stinkin’ thinkin’”.
Towards the beginning of last week I began to feel heavy with negativity. My feelings were raging and I was letting them run their course. I began believing the lies in my head saying my role in my ministry is useless and not impactful. Lies saying I am too selfish to be a missionary and that I am a complete waste, which quickly led me to feel guilty for being here. I felt guilty for all the support that I raised and for all the prayers showering me. Those lies trapped me and made me feel so alone in a house so full. But guess what, our Lord showed me…those are just lies and have NO power over me! Because of God’s mercy and all of those non-wasted prayers coming my way,I choose to hear the Lord’s sweet melody instead of those lies.
Later that week, as I began to see the beautiful fruit of others’ ministry and their joyful passion that came with that, I grew bitter. And then I realized how unhealthy that was. Why could I not rejoice when I saw others’ success? Why could I not rejoice when I saw how the Lord is revealing himself to them in deeper ways? And why could I not rejoice when I was witnessing the growth of God’s Kingdom through his other children? It’s pretty messed up! Jealousy was rotting precious space in my heart, space which belongs to the goodness of the Lord. Then it dawned on me, is the purpose of me being here to grow the Lord’s Kingdom regardless of my involvement or for me to grow His Kingdom because of my involvement? Asking myself that question utterly transformed my perspective. I’m not saying that bitterness instantly vanished for good, but it sure did become easier for me to take control over it and shut it down. It’s not about me, it is about My King. It’s not about my involvement, yet he still wants to involve me.
I know that the mental attacks will keep coming, but I have grown more confident through these recent struggles. Each day is battle. Thank you God for the peace in knowing You have won the war for me!
I would love if y’all could keep praying for our Lord’s Kingdom to invade this
beautiful city more and more each day!
