Since I committed to go on The Race, I started reading current Racer’s blogs and began following their instagrams to try and get a better feel for what exactly life on The Race will be like. At first, it looked amazing – I saw pictures of beautiful sunsets, beaches, volcanoes; I saw pictures of beautiful people from all around the world, both young and old; and I saw pictures of debriefs – a “break” between each month to step back, reflect and reset before moving on to the next country. There was never a time I saw a picture and didn’t say to myself: goodness, I can’t wait to go.
But recently, I felt a battle within myself. I was getting so consumed in the beauty and the thought of traveling around the world. And although each time I looked at a World Race picture and read about the different ministries and thought of how awesome God is and how He is going to use me, I started to wonder if I wanted to go for the right reasons.
When I committed to go, I knew my reasons. I was confident that God opened this door for me to share His love with this broken world, but the enemy began attacking me – trying to feed me with lies and deceit. I began praying that God show me why. To show me more than the picturesque parts of The Race.
Well, the truth be told, He did.
About a week ago, I began reading deeper into Racer’s blogs. I would read one, then two, then every blog that individual Racer posted and eventually I found myself reading blogs of others on their squad. I couldn’t stop and I wanted more. I wanted to know the in’s and the out’s of The Race so that I could see more of what a year of my life was going to look like come July.
And amongst all of the beauty I was consumed in, God started revealing what The Race is all about. Out of nowhere, I read four or five blogs that focused on Race life behind the scenes. Behind the photos, sunsets, waterfalls and smiling faces. The truth was revealed.
In fact, I felt like I had been slapped in the face with the truth. Some months, ministry will consist of cleaning toilets with no cleaning supplies, being around so many screaming children that you feel claustrophobic, doing hard labor sunrise to sunset, cleaning out pigpens – of pigs that you will later eat, and so on.
I realized that sickness still happens – appendixes may rupture, viruses may be caught, and that transportation from country to country is not always in an airplane – sometimes we will spend 16+ hours on a bus.
I finally saw the heartache as I read stories that included ministry with victims of human trafficking, working with children who have HIV and AIDS and comforting little old ladies who aren’t even aloud to walk on the public streets because of the way they look.
If I think I have felt heartbreak in my life thus far – I cannot imagine the hurt my heart is going to feel on The Race.
I read about the bonds Racers have made with children and families from one country to the next and how some of their most difficult experiences include when they couldn’t let go out children that were balling their eyes out, latched onto them as they were leaving for good.
And finally, I’ve read the “end of The Race” blogs – of Racers who have completed their 11 month journey and are coming back home. It hurts me to even think about the inevitable end of my own Race that won’t even begin for another 8 months. How do you readjust after living in a sleeping bag and having only the belongings you can fit in your backpack?
But as faithful as He is, God answered my questions and won the battle.
I’m going to give up my life as I know it – leave my kitten and my amazing family, my comfortable bed, my closet full of clothes, my steady income, my friendships – to have my heart ripped out of my chest every day, to spend nights crying myself to sleep, to SEE how much better we have it in America, to live in third world countries where you can’t flush toilet paper, to witness smiling faces of people who live in huts on top of mounds of trash, to go days, weeks and maybe even a month without properly washing my hair, to live amongst the least of these; so that I may spread the joy of knowing and loving Jesus Christ, so that I may feel the heartache that He feels for His children, so that I may live with nothing in order to live with everything I need, so that I may honor Christ every single day of my life, so that I may learn to depend on myself for nothing and depend on God for everything and so that I may be used by Christ as He desires.
Yes, the Race is going to be an adventure that I am excited to embark on, but it is going to be an adventure in which I will be broken and forced out of my comfort zone so that I may live for Christ.
