Growing up, I experienced a lot of abuse. I was sexually abused, physically abused and verbally abused — all of which led to emotional abuse.
For many years, I felt I couldn’t escape the abuse and tried filling the voids in my heart with ways of the world. I searched for love in men, drowned myself with alcohol, altered my mind with prescription pills and drugs and developed an eating disorder.
I had been treated as I didn’t amount to much of anything to many people which resulted in abusing myself. I was broken, searching for healing and eventually became very depressed.
After graduating college and moving back home to live with my dad in 2013, I finally realized I didn’t actually have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. My dad had grown much closer to Christ while I was away which inspired me to do the same.
Since I began walking with the Lord, my world has completely turned around. I struggled to stay on track and continued living in sin but God never gave up on me. He kept pulling me back to Him.
Over the last year and a half, my relationship with Christ has strengthened to a point I didn’t even know was possible before. He’s my best friend — I turn to Him for the good, the bad and the ugly. I reach out for His help and I thank Him for His provisions. We’ve got a real tight relationship and I can finally say I’m trying to live a life honoring Him.
Unfortunately, just because I’ve grown so intimate with Him, doesn’t mean my past was erased from my mind. For a while I tried burying the darkness of my past so I didn’t have to think about the person I used to be in high school and first two years of college.
It helped for a while because I acted like it didn’t exist. When I met new people I never mentioned it. I wanted them to know who I am now, not who I used to be. I didn’t want to be judged or talked about because of the decisions I made growing up.
Surprisingly to me, the darkness of my past was brought up more in my first month of the World Race than it has in more than two years. I’ve felt so much shame and couldn’t shake it. I’ve known that I’ve been redeemed but never actually felt my sins had been washed away.
While I was hanging out with Jesus in Jeffrey’s Bay one morning, He took me to Romans 6:1-7,
“What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin.”
I was baptized when I was thirteen years old and knew I was born again, but it was before I had reached the darkness I would live in for so long. After reading the passage, I knew it was time to get baptized because of my own desires and die to the sin of my past.
I shared this with my team and asked my team leader Jace to baptize me in the Indian Ocean at sunrise on our last morning in Jeffrey’s Bay. They were all very excited to be a part of this new day in my life.
The night before I was to be baptized, my team did listening prayer, which we do once a week. We sit for 15-20 minutes and listen to God and write down what we hear. After we finish, we draw names to see who we’re supposed to give it to. Everyone’s is always different — a letter, a poem, a picture — almost always in God’s voice.
On this particular night, my teammate Kelsey drew my name. As I began reading I began weeping.
“Beloved, You’ve been chained down by your insecurities and fears for too long. I have come to break you free of those chains. I’m right here. Keep reaching for me. The darkness will never overcome the light that I shine.”
The presence of God filled the room we were sitting in. Many of us felt as if we couldn’t move. We felt a calming peace come over us. I was overwhelmed by God’s letter to me.
The next morning, I was baptized as we planned. We sang “Break Every Chain” while we looked out into the ocean and worshipped our Savior. When the sun began to rise, myself, Jace and John ran into the freezing cold ocean. We jumped over crashing waves again and again and laughed nonstop because we kept getting splashed in the face until finally we had a calm moment.
When I came back up from being baptized, I felt renewed. I was dead to my sin and born again. The light of the new day was shining down on me and I finally felt I was worthy of being redeemed.
August 2 was one of the best days of my entire life. It’s the day I left my past behind me. It’s the day I let go of the shame and grabbed ahold of my redemption. Kelsey, John and Amber spoke blessings over me and my entire team filled me with encouragement.
We went to breakfast to celebrate and spent the majority of our day fellowshipping with one another. Because of the baptism and celebration, we decided to go to church for the evening service instead of the morning.
The worship was the most powerful I’ve experienced since Training Camp. I was on my knees crying out to God — thanking Him for loving me so deeply and giving me chance after chance to become the woman He’s planned me to be.
Following the service, I was approached by a young woman who told me God gave her a word for me when I was on my knees during worship.
“God told me to tell you He has broken the chains,” she said. “You’ve been set free.” Tears filled my eyes. She prayed over me thanking God for rescuing me from the darkness and giving me a new life in Him.
God affirmed I didn’t have to live in darkness anymore. Those days are over.
Are there chains holding you back from letting go of your past? Are you feeling full of shame? Tell our Heavenly Father and allow Him to set you free.
