There comes a point on the World Race when you just don’t feel like you have anything left to give. I know because I’ve experienced it. If anyone makes it through the entire 11 months of the Race without feeling it, I’d say they must be a 0:20 feeler to thinker according to Myers-Briggs.
I’m a 19:1. So if you can imagine for a moment, I feel just about everything.
For me, it started when team changes happened and emotions followed. Teams are tricky. We have an incredible squad full of love for Jesus, but it doesn’t exempt the fact we have 50+ different personalities.
I was obsessed [in the best, most loving way possible] with my first team. If I could’ve had it my way, my team would’ve never changed. Sure, we had disagreements, but I experienced a connection with them I never had before. I had 3 absolutely incredible brothers and 3 beautiful, God-fearing sisters challenging me to go deeper with Jesus every single day.
The first four months of the Race, I was wrecked by the Lord. It would take thousands of pages to share all the stories — the freedoms I experienced, the spiritual warfare we lived amongst, the smiles of the children we played with, the extraordinary people we met, the stares we got from Indians who had never seen white people, the awestruck wonder in Creation.
But as soon as I walked out of the hostel following team changes, my demeanor changed. I hate to say it, but it’s the truth and I’m not one to fabricate. I didn’t even like the idea of change, let alone the act of it.
For the sake of your sanity, I’ll sum up the two months following team changes in this sentence: I experienced a darkness I hadn’t come close to since college, one I never imagined returning to, and through the Lord’s faithfulness, He restored my joy.
Two months and that’s all I have to say for my growth with the Lord.
Do I think the time I spent in Nepal and Vietnam were wasted? Absolutely not. I met a handful of God’s children who taught me more about what it actually looks like to love Jesus. To give your life to being a missional pastor. To give up freedom in Canada and move to a country where the name of Jesus can’t be proclaimed to do just that. To find joy even when you can’t hear, speak or walk without assistance.
But those months left me dry, broken, searching. Where are you, Papa? I asked over and over.
I began believing lies satan was speaking to me:
You aren’t good enough.
You’re failing at leading your team.
They don’t like who you are.
You want to go home.
I was doing all I could to keep my head above water. I was drowning in negativity and fleshly battles. Sin began creeping back in. My thoughts became impure, my desires were worldly, my relationships were unhealthy.
During our rest day on our last day in Vietnam, I met up with my best friend Kels. We sat together for hours and talked about how we could continue growing closer to Christ. She told me she wanted to grow in spiritual disciplines and I decided to join her. I began asking the Lord which disciplines I should focus on practicing.
He showed me an image of myself during the fourth month of the Race, sitting at a plastic table underneath a tarp covering in Assam, India. 8 a.m. and the heat was sweltering. I sat there with my bible and journal open, without breakfast. I had spent four mornings a week fasting for a few people God had laid on my heart for the month. I wrote out my prayers for them and then prayed those prayers aloud — many mornings alongside of Kelsey.
Fast, He said. Give of yourself, spend time with me and intercede for those I tell you to.
I arrived in Cambodia with newness in mind, but unfortunately, nothing changed. In fact, I felt worse. Things weren’t better with my team and one of my closest friends on the squad made the decision to go home five months early.
Dry. Broken. Searching. Where are you, Papa? I asked again.
Give of yourself and spend time with me, He said.
So I obeyed. I began fasting breakfast on the morning of December 28 to pray intentionally for those He laid on my heart with intentions of it lasting until I left Cambodia.
Give me more, Racquel, He told me each morning. I sought Him out and asked Him to speak more clearly.
On New Years Day, He told me to begin walking alongside my sister Gretchen as she’s vowed to walk barefoot until we leave Asia.
Walk with her, He said. I’ll show you why.
Again, I obeyed. But it wasn’t enough. The following day, I heard His words loud and clear.
I still want more of you. Give me more.
If I’m being completely honest, I knew what He meant. It was time to step away from a relationship I’ve been in and out of for the last four years. It was time I chose the Spirit over my flesh.
I let the Spirit lead.
You need more of me, daughter, He spoke. I want to give you more of me.
Comfort overwhelmed me.
As I laid down to sleep, I scrolled through Facebook [yes, I’m guilty] and came across a blog the founder of the World Race, Seth Barnes, had written: Why We Fast.
“God wants relationship. He wants intimacy. But he won’t make anyone come to him or prioritize him,” he writes. “God wants to be first in your life. But that won’t happen if you’re not hungry. In our modern, supersize-me world, we need more hunger. That’s one reason we fast. Our physical hunger can ignite spiritual hunger. It gives us the gift of focus. To know God more deeply, we must focus. In other words, we must wean ourselves off the habits that distract us and press into him in prayer. We need to begin by fasting.”
This is what I want, Racquel. I want relationship. I want intimacy. I want to be first in your life.
The next morning I decided to fast the entire day to listen for the what God wanted me to hear. I reached out to Seth and two close friends to ask for prayer. The Lord spoke to me through all three of them.
“She hears me well,” He told Seth. “I have placed her there for a purpose. She needs me more when it is hard. In her place of need, she will press in more. I want more than fair-weather-faith. I want to create in Racquel the heart of a warrior. The place of dependence is the place of growth.”
As I sat in church, I visited with Jesus.
I’m scared, I told Him.
My love casts out fear.
I’m anxious, I said.
Find peace in who I am.
I don’t want to be hungry.
I will feed you.
But what if I can’t commit to three weeks? I asked.
“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and he will act [Psalm 37:5],” Pastor Rogil read during the service.
I couldn’t say no.
The Lord has called me into deeper relationship and complete dependence on Him. He’s giving Himself to me, so I give myself to Him.
As I fast over the next three weeks, I’m seeking to know Him intimately. I’m trusting Him to take me to new places so I can experience Him in ways I never have before. I’m continuing to pray for the handfuls of people He’s laid on my heart to bring before Him and listening for His voice in their lives.
The coolest part is, He’s called Gretchen into a time of fasting, too. So not only do I get to go deeper with Jesus, but I get to grow closer to my sister as we both seek what the Lord has for us in this season.
Would you join my sister and I and the hundreds of others in this fast? I encourage you to seek the Lord and ask what fasting should look like for you. You can fast food, caffeine, social media; whatever the Lord lays on your heart.
God wants relationship with you. What are you willing to give Him?
