*This blog comes from a previous racer named Sarah Bohlman, I simply updated a few things but these were my exact feelings I didn’t know how to start writing. I promised to show the good and the bad, so here are the thoughts and feelings going into the LAST WEEK of ministry on the race.*
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What it feels like to be in your last week of the World Race: EXHAUSTING
My first thought is, “I don’t think I have enough energy to want to write this,” which is different than not having enough energy to write it. As we near the end, I feel like I’ve watched a bathtub full of motivation from the beginning of the race drain, and right now I’ve seen so many squad mates circle that drain feeling dizzy and desiring it to just be over. What we so often forget is that once we leave the tub, we’re shot into a drain and plummeting towards anonymity.
Don’t misunderstand me—I’m just as tired as the next last-week Racer. I’ve already scheduled doctor/dentist/optometry/haircut appointments, got a list of restaurants I want, and dream of what it’s like to not ache from sleeping in over 35 different places in one year. Is a chiropractor real, or have I dreamt that up? Do real pillows exist? What’s it like to not constantly live in a mess? Is it common to have a regular digestion? Is there really such a thing as an English church service anymore? What is a “dryer”? “Closet”? “Alone time”?
I have more questions than answers these days. I don’t know how I’m going to make money when I return to my hometown. I don’t look forward to the amount of tears I will shed when I have to say goodbye to this family I’ve been living with 24/7 for the past 312 days. I’m a little nervous to return to my boyfriend and our date nights, will I treat them like a one-on-one? I don’t even know how to exist without daily teamtimes and feedback sessions. Most racers have that unspoken fear lingering over them that they’ll lose the true identity they’ve discovered and return to their old ways when they return.
When you choose this life, you choose a year full of goodbyes, and honestly I’m so weary of saying goodbye. For the first time in my life, I’m ready for consistency. I want to say “hello” to people without having the thought linger in the back of my mind that I will say “goodbye” in a month.
The easy road to take involves stuffing headphones into my ears and watching movie after movie or scrolling through social media, suppressing any thought that in less than two weeks, my feet will be on American soil. I’m sick of thinking deeply all the time. I’d love a day of laughter, but the gloomy thought, “This is almost over” looms over every adventure these days. Every time we laugh, someone inevitably gets that I’m-going-to-miss-you-guys-so-much mist in their eyes. It’s depressing.
I could keep going, but I’ll save you the dreariness ending any season inevitably brings. You get it—we’re tired and we want to go home.
But we’re still here. We’re still in this. We signed up for 11 months, not 10.
The end of the race offers two driving thoughts every World Racer must face:
- I can bear this a little bit longer until it’s over.
or
- I’m still in this, and I want to take every last opportunity I can wring out of it.
I can honestly tell you I’m somewhere in the middle struggling with the first option knowing I want the second one. However, I remind myself that we’re still in it, and it’s incredible.
I can’t imagine looking back on the World Race and just dismissing the last month because I allowed my physical condition to dictate my life. Jesus didn’t die for me so that I would still be victim to the wavering desires of my flesh.
Therefore, all these weaknesses you may seem to think I complained about, I instead call it boasting. Why? Because I’ve discovered the truth in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Hallelujah! I am at my weakest state! Do your work, Holy Spirit. My flesh is done. That means Christ’s POWER rests on ME!
What does this look like in practice?
It looks like discovering true Agape (selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love, the highest of the four types of love in the Bible). It’s discovering that love is a sacrificial choice you make daily like when you’d rather nap, but choose to comfort a teammate crying about their unsure future. It means massaging your teammate’s aching back when you feel your own back hurts worse than ever. It’s walking up and down four flights of stairs to refill your teammate’s water bottles because everyone is dehydrated because of the heat. It’s getting over your repulsion to lice, and offering to nitpick a teammate’s infested head. It’s paying for a movie ticket on an off day for a teammate because they’ve run out of spending money. It’s allowing someone to be broken and hurt and not getting offended by it. It’s having hard conversations about tension on the team you’d rather ignore for just one more week. It’s buying someone their favorite candy instead of spending money on that pizza you’ve been craving for weeks. It’s dealing with your stench because a teammate is allergic to perfume. It’s holding a teammate as she mourns not being able to attend a funeral or marriage of a close friend or family member. It’s giving the hard feedback that you’d rather just bitterly tolerate until you don’t have to around them anymore. It’s humbling yourself and asking for forgiveness when you’d rather just be right.
Agape love in this season looks like turning off your wifi or putting away your hard drive with all your movies to have a real conversation with the men and women whom you have to say goodbye to so soon.
It may seem like you don’t have enough energy to care anymore, but remember: there’s a difference between not having enough energy to WANT to do something, and having enough energy to ACTUALLY do something. I wrote this blog when I didn’t have enough energy to want to write it, but it seems I actually had enough energy to write it.
What are the things you actually have enough energy for, but have lost the motivation? How can you radically agape love your team for this last week?
I guarantee you won’t regret finishing with a bang instead of a fizzle.
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I’ll be working hard this next week to make the most of every ounce left of this wonderful adventure. Thank you for your continuous support and prayers. See ya soon!
Much love and many blessings,
Rachel
