I sit here sweating in the tin covered kitchen-dining room-living area of our small village of Phom Toch, Kampot, Cambodia. It’s 91 degrees with over fifty percent humidity making it feel like it’s 96 and it’s only expected to climb. I am wearing a t-shirt and pants due to the village being one of the more modest taste.
I will try to cast out my final thoughts on my identity series that the Lord has brought about through the Race. In Costa Rica, I wrote a blog called Nothing to Prove inspired by the book by Jennie Allen, this is where the Lord started to unveil a new part of my testimony.
In January, while in Zambia, I wrote a blog called, An Epic Failure. It discussed my continued journey of looking for my identity while dealing with one of my biggest struggles: comparison.
Today I sit here in Cambodia, our last continent, to write the third and final part to this identity series: now. The post was inspired by a sermon from Pastor Mike Todd of Transformation Church.
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Recently I’ve been feeling a little discouraged personally. It’s the end of the race and some people are starting to check out, others are discouraged with leadership and some simply don’t have the motivation to put their whole heart into it.
Life back home seems miles and miles away, almost untouchable. My heart saddens to hear updates that some friends aren’t doing so well. Others have decided to push their struggles aside and ignore them. Personal issues have brought up past feelings and emotions where I was once in a very dark place. My heart has had moments of sinking in the past week.
I turned on Pastor Mike this morning to hear some words of wisdom. I am doing a series called Planted Not Buried and am currently on part four called Planted and Undervalued.
He goes on to say he is speaking to those feeling underrated, underestimated, under appreciated, played down and understated.
I felt like he was talking to me, it was time to hear about my value and my worth.
As humans we do two things:
1. we hold off on giving something our all until somebody validates us or tells us we are worth it
2. we value something or someone else depending on how much they’re worth to us or how much we are willing to pay or work for them
We often feel like we cannot escape the feeling of being under. The past week seemed like “my under” was coming back to haunt me.
Pastor Mike went on to tell a story from the Bible.
In Genesis 29, Jacob asked Laban for his daughter, Rachel. The bible writes in verse 17, “Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful”. Somebody was already telling Leah what she was worth.
The story goes on, Jacob decides to work for Laban for 7 year to marry his daughter Rachel. After seven years are up Laban tricks Jacob and gives him Leah at night when he does not notice. Furious, Jacob confronts Laban and asks why he would do such a thing. He claims it is not right to marry a younger sister before the older and tells Jacob that if he marries Leah and works another 7 years he can have them both.
Jacob gives 14 years of his life just to have Rachel while all along he never wanted Leah in the first place. Leah was never valued by anyone. She was only worth her father tricking a man into marrying her.
When God saw that Leah was under loved he enabled her to have children while Rachel could not. Leah names her first son Ruben, meaning ‘the Lord sees my misery’. With her next two children she does the same. She takes what was a blessing and names it after her pain because it’s all she can see.
We attach what we do to who we are.
I work here…
I play for this university…
I’m President of this organization…
I am dating this person…
I listen to this music and go to these concerts…
Our identity lies in the things and the people of this world.
However, we can’t let pain keep us from producing!
We think that pain, struggle or hardships means STOP but what if it’s the sign to move forward? We are attached with all strings to the things that try to keep us under. We grab ahold of them, thinking we are bound to them and that they are who we are.
The creator is the only person that can place value on its creation.
WOAH
Leah continued to have children and name them after her pain. She thought that bringing children to Jacob would make him love her more. But what happens when enough is not enough? What happens when you look for value or approval from somebody that didn’t want you in the first place?
We need to produce on purpose but not for approval!
I’m learning I’m worth more:
…more than what that personal labeled me
…more than the mistakes I’ve made
…more than the positions or promotions I never got
God made me WORTH IT. I’m learning He wants to refine and define me. He has been doing that with the way I think about life, others, His kingdom and myself during these past 8 months.
The sermon hit me hard when Pastor Mike connected it to my favorite bible verse.
Colossians 3:23 “Whatever you do, work at with with your whole heart as working for the Lord not for man”.
He points out that we have to work, we don’t get the choice to be lazy or sit around and think the Lord will just miraculously change us. Then he says at whatever you do, it doesn’t matter if it’s taking out the trash or working a minimum wage job or doing something you were asked to do but don’t care much for because truth is… it isn’t for man, it’s for the Lord! Lastly, he points out that the verse says for the Lord rather than man.
Are you serving man or God?
Whose approval, value, praise are you looking for and who are you giving it to?
Mine certainly hasn’t always been the Lord. Instead I sought it from my parents, my sister, my friends, my teacher, my coaches, my boyfriend. I let those that didn’t create me put a price tag on me.
It goes on in verse 24 to say, “remember this is the battle of your life”.
We need to remember that only the Lord can give us the ultimate reward, eternal life with Him.
Our value is not in what we do but who He says we are.
When I didn’t know my identity in Christ I let others tell me who I was. They told me I was bossy, they told me I was naive, they told me I was scared of the future, that I didn’t work hard enough, that I was a flirt.
The worst part… I believed them. Then I took those things and I let it shape me, form me and let those words and the worth and value others put on me be my identity. Things that hurt me and put me under, I attached myself to them thinking that’s what held me up and that’s what I’d always be attached to.
Pastor Mike helped make it clear who the Lord says I am…
John 1:12 – I’m a child of God
Ephesians 1:4 – I am chosen by God
Colossians 2: 10 – I am complete in Christ
Romans 8:10 – I am established in Christ
2 Corinthians 1: 21 – I am confident things are working for my good
1 Corinthians 3:16 – I am God’s temple, His house, His workmanship
Philippians 4:13 – I am valued by God
My creator made me and He has already declared my worth! If we don’t tell people what we are worth they’ll decide for us.
Going back to Genesis, Leah had a change of heart. She got pregnant with her fourth son. This time she named him Juda, meaning praise. Leah knew that who she was was not define by what she did. Having more children would not make Jacob love her more. She said NOW it doesn’t matter what happened before NOW I WILL PRAISE YOU.
Before I went on the Race we had this option to get a prophetic key necklace. I have never received a prophecy before and growing up in a culture that doesn’t address the Holy Spirit much I thought it was downright crazy but it was just a “world race” thing, so I got one.
The keys are individually prayed over with the person whose name order it. Then a word is received and placed on the key to be given to them.
Back in August I received my key with the word now.
I was anxious, curious and ready for this journey to start and find out what the word meant for me. I tried hard the first four months to figure it out, praying daily to the Lord to reveal it to me. Getting discouraged I gave up and set it aside and haven’t thought about the key or the word much at all.
Situations arised that brought me to being in a place where I felt in the dark, undervalued and lonely again so I had a choice to make.
Like the summer I chose to drink to avoid emotions or deciding to flirt with people I had no intentions of going further in a relationship with just to get attention or locking myself in my room with the lights off as if that made it feel like I didn’t have to be apart of the world. I could try to go down that path again. Taking little discouragements and lies and twisting them into a big facade the enemy wants me to believe.
or…
I could run with God. I could know that when I’m weak He is strong. I could decide to stand firm because my faith is on a solid foundation and that He will not forsake me. I want to choose NOW just like Leah did. I want to NOW detach what ‘under’ things had bound me. I want to NOW stop finding worth in those around me. I want to NOW not let Satan scheme his way into my life trying to make the little things big.
NOW I WILL.
Now it doesn’t matter what happened in the past.
Now is the time I will praise Him.
Now I know my identity lies in Christ and Christ alone.
NOW.
Much love and many blessings,
Rachel
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EPILOGUE
The Race is going very well. I am enjoying every minute of it! Cambodia has been difficult and one I could easily compare to Panama with the heat, long ministry days and little variety and quantity of food. With my physical surroundings and circumstances and a quick discouraging word from home I found myself at a crossroads. I had to choose which direction I wanted to move forward with my feelings and emotions. This being a big step for me. Knowing I want to put my life before the Lord I took today to really dig in and sit with Him. In that, He revealed things I was never expecting. He wrapped up this identity series for the Race, although I’m well aware I’m not that solidified in it overnight, He showed me just what He had orchestrated for me this entire journey.
I am not just surviving on the race but I am thriving. That’s not to say it’s easy but it’s been worth it. I can ensure each reader that I am doing well, our squad is well and life at home is going spectacular. I appreciate those that wrote notes of encouragement and pick-me-ups for the Lord gave me some personal evidence of Him being present in my life through those letters in the last week so thank you.
I have more blogs to come, they preface questions that I have started to ponder on the race and other issues I’m struggling with as I start to think about my future and transitioning back in the states and my life there.
Thanks for the continued support and prayers!
