This journey was only sparked by an obedient heart from a firm believer. I wouldn’t be on this adventure without the spiritual inspiration that my sister is to me. As I collect these blogs as mementos of this journey I wanted to give my sister the stage to share her heart and where she’s at with the Lord – if only for us to reminisce years down the road. However, it’s a great read and one that I think could apply to all of us. So take a look….
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“They say there is a young lady in New Haven who is beloved of that Great Being who made and rules the world. They say that He fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for anything except to meditate on Him…She possesses a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and kindness to those around her. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly. She seems to be always full of joy and pleasure, and no one knows exactly why. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have Someone invisible always conversing with her.”
This is a description of Sarah Edwards before she married Jonathan Edwards, a famous theologian.
You may have a different reaction to this quote, but I hope one day it describes me. I want to be known for my love of God. I don’t want to be swayed by other things. I’m not there yet, but maybe one day I will be.
You see, I want to fall deeply in love with God. I want to give everything I have. I want to be known for my reflection of Him and how I light up when I talk about Him. Maybe this scares you, but for me, I couldn’t picture a better future.
But I’m not that. I’m broken. And the more I think about it, I’m sure Sara was broken too.
These last few weeks I’ve had to come face to face with my brokenness. I tried to push it away. Yet, there it was. Everything I tried to make perfect and couldn’t. Every heart wrenching story I had to hear and couldn’t laugh off. Every time I wondered if God would still speak through me when I wasn’t putting him first. Every time I wanted to cry and didn’t know why.
My worship evades me. I am overcome with emotion in one setting and yet too scared, or maybe just too busy, to take a deeper look in another. I numb it out – say I’ll get to it later. Then when I do, I feel I have nothing left to give. I have no words left to say, no song left to sing.
Here I am, striving for what I cannot do. But God, in His goodness, is bringing me back to his beauty.
There is a majesty to God. You can see it in the glistening stars, in the rolling plains, and in the sharpness of the mountains. I’ve yet to meet a person who can’t sit in awe of God’s creation all around us.
We know that “the heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork” and “[God’s] invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.” [Psalm 19:1, Romans 1:20]
God’s glory and splendor are all around us. Yet, in all that He created, He still wanted us despite our brokenness.
The amazing thing is that the Father’s heart is for us to be in a right relationship with him.
Do you comprehend the weight of that? This majestic and holy God wanted us so much he was willing to sacrifice His son.
On the cross Jesus died the most excruciating of deaths. In the early morning, as the sun was reaching its resting point high in the sky, a crown of thorns was placed on our King of Kings. With a crack of a whip, the startling sound cut a little deeper into His back.
Then there was the sound of hammer and nails – a sound of something being built, of new life created. But this nail pierced more than wood. The nail sliced through skin and bone of a hand and then a foot. With each agonizing hit of the hammer, the hands would cripple in – trying to find relief where there was none.
Dripping in blood, with every fiber of his being overcome by crippling pain, He gave His life. For hours He hung by the nails in his hands, straining to get a breath of air. In one ear shouted jeers and insults. In the other, screams and wails of those he loved. The most brutal of murders He accepted knowing we may not accept Him back, knowing we would fail Him time and time again.
Can you pause a moment?
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No. Really pause.
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I hope you took that time to pause. I hope you sat in awe of the glory of God. I hope you feel humbled before Him. But I want to ask you a question…
Do we take this for granted? It’s just between you and God, so be honest. I know I’ve shaken my head, raised my hands, and said amen without putting in too much thought. It doesn’t mean I’m not appreciative or don’t love God, but it’s easy to not let the full weight of it sink in because we’ve got too much to do. We don’t want to sit here for hours pondering this. We don’t want to break down crying again. It’s not like you’re consciously avoiding these things, but in our fast-paced world it’s easy to skim things. To let the emotion simply scratch the surface of our hearts. To hear the message, but not let it wreck us, not let it make us question the beliefs we held or actions we do. Yet, God’s not in a rush. So why are we?
A popular worship song sings “Lead me to You. Forever Lord I will pursue, I will pursue. You’ve won my heart. Jesus, you’re all that I want, all that I want. All I need is You. All I need is You Lord, is You Lord.”
Is He really all I need?
Do I live this out?
Do my actions in all I do, whether at work or at home, reflect this? Reflect what he has done for me?
And what does this mean for my brokenness?
I’ve already addressed that I try to be a perfectionist…
But I can’t make myself into the perfect person for God.
I can, however, confess my brokenness. I can sit in awe of who He is. And I can let Him change me. I have to be willing to give my time. Yet as He reminds me of His precious promises and His sacrifices, the giving of my time becomes something I look forward to.
It’s so easy to want what we can see, use, and digest in a few short minutes. It’s hard to sit in the unknown, the discord, and the heavy questions. Thankfully we serve a God who is fearless and unchanging. He’s not scared of the heavy questions and even if we try to skim the surface, He’ll still be waiting when we come back.
The thing is, I’m a broken person on my own, and God is the one who pieces me back together. I don’t always reflect the glory of who God is and how grateful I am for His sacrifice, but I want to. It might not come easy or naturally, but I know He’s worth it. I know a true relationship with Him is my greatest joy, and I know He alone will help me get there.
I asked God what he wanted me to share and the words that stuck with me were “I am gentle.” I want you to know this journey is tough. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense. Sometimes you feel on your own in darkness. Sometimes you feel misunderstood by others who don’t share your convictions.
But God is gentle. His Holy Spirit is described as our comforter. I don’t know your story and I don’t know what your future holds. No matter your doubts. No matter how many times it seemed God didn’t show up. No matter how many prayers you’ve said only to be left with silence. Will you try again? Will you give God even one more shot to touch your heart?
Maybe, if you’re honest, you’re not sure what you believe, and you need an encounter with God to reveal He’s there or you don’t know if following Him is worth it. Maybe, you are a follower of Christ, but you’ve been striving to accomplish something on your own or you realize your life doesn’t look as much like Christ’s as you’d like it too. Maybe, your relationship with God has never been better and you want to share that joy and life with everyone.
No matter where you are, each of us can benefit from laying our hearts out before God and sitting in awe of His magnificence. There is awe in His sacrifice, in the mysteries of the world, and even in the brokenness that He never runs from.
So where does this leave me? Well I want to repent. I want to repent of all the times I’ve tried to do it on my own or tried to walk away. I want to spend time to cry it out, to lay my brokenness before my God, my loving papa. I want to write down all the things on my mind – my to do list, my responses to text messages, the next website I want to look at. I want to then push that all away and worship as though I was actually at His feet. I want to dance – whether through tears or laughter – with my Heavenly Father.
Papa,
You are lovely and holy. You are more than I could ever give. I try to make things simple and easy. I try to put broken pieces back together. I try to pretend what is broke never happened.
I want to reflect your glory and show hope to others. But then it gets hard or I get too busy. I keep moving through my day with just enough of You to get by. I don’t let you in all the way. I don’t let you change me or change my day. I don’t want to feel it and I don’t have the time.
But, papa, I repent. I repent of all the times I chose something else over your presence and of all the times I thought I was good enough to do it on my own. I want to sit with you and in awe of you. I want to be so enamored by your glory that anything else lacks in comparison. Please take my heart each day and draw it back to you. My heart is torn in different directions, but I want to give it all to You. Please remind me who you are.
Sincerely,
Your Daughter
This is the prayer of my heart right now. You may be asking why do I call Him papa?
He is holy and righteous. He is my King sitting on the throne. But I also want to know Him more intimately. I want to be able to talk with Him each day in the same way sense that I talk with my mom and dad. When I try to hard to make sense of things or accomplish something, I want to remember that I can simply be a child. I can be as brutally honest as a child and I can make mistakes like a child. When I’m scared, I can run to Him like a child and when I’m excited, He will laugh will me like a child. While none of us know what He looks like, my favorite image to picture is me stepping on his feet – dancing like a young child. I don’t have to know all the steps. I can simply spend time with Him and He’ll carry me.
No matter where I go or how my feelings fluctuate, God brings me back to who He is. He reminds me of the sacrifice He paid and His goodness. He understands all my emotions. He is ready to be my comforter as well as a counselor. He is gentle and He wants to be present in every part of my life. While I learn to dance on His feet and walk more intimately with Him each day, He is there…
… and that’s why I call Him papa.
Now it’s up to you. This was my prayer and my desire for my time.
Now what are you going to do?
What are you willing to do?
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Thank you sister for sharing your heart and showing others what it’s like to love the Lord and be loved by Him.
Much love and many blessings to all,
Rachel
