Let’s have some real talk. I’m a Christian and I drink.
I don’t think drinking is inherently bad. I have abused alcohol before, but it never got serious enough to become a deep concern. Now, I know how to drink in moderation. However, alcohol did play a different role during a 4 month season of my life.
I turned towards alcohol to avoid emotions. In that season of my life, I thought I was doing everything wrong. I kept screwing up, was hurting people, and believed that life couldn’t be turned around. I was aware of my decisions and I consciously kept making them. I had a community of people who loved me and were willing to fight for me, but I never let them in.
This time of my life lasted a short period and most days I wish it would have never happened. However, I know each part of my story is important and God has shown me how He can use it for His glory. He’s also used it to make me realize who I want to become.
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Coming into 2019 my best friend asked me what my new year’s resolution was. I simply answered, “I don’t have one.” I’m a believer that you can change your life around anytime you want- a new year doesn’t have to begin for you to do that.
Yesterday I was reflecting on month six of the race and being half way done with this journey. My processing book, as I call it, asked me, “What is one thing you want to work on this next month to be the person you want to be at the end of the race?”
I was curious…
Over the course of childhood people continuously ask us, “What do you want to be when you grow up? Who do you want to be? What do you want your identity to be rooted in?” We reflect with our small adolescent brains about occupations, characteristics, and people we want to model our lives after.
My first grade thoughts were that I wanted to be a teacher and someone who helps people.
The problem is people stop asking who you want to be. What happens when we grow up and half our life clock has ticked away? Why do people not seem to care as much?
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We walked into a house at 9am on a Wednesday and saw a decent amount of middle-aged men drinking. My teammate started to ask if we could talk with them, share stories, take any prayer requests, etc. One man saw us holding Bibles and told me, “I’m not in the right state to talk with the Lord right now.” Feeling discouraged a woman popped around the corner and yelled, “I’m ready to receive the word!” We all turned and walked around the house towards her.
[For sake of confidentiality I’ll be changing her name.]
Joy grabbed seats for us and we began to talk. She mentioned she had three kids and life was good.
A little uncomfortable at first, my teammates and I squirmed in our seats not really knowing what to say. We each shared our favorite bible verse and what it means to us. Joy nodded her head and said thank you.
I felt that this interaction should be more powerful than what it was turning out to be, and that the Lord had more for this moment. I asked Joy if I could share my story.
Joy shook her head and motioned to go forth with it.
I shared about my aunt passing, my sister’s crippling illness, a difficult breakup, failing classes and feeling like I was never going to be good enough.
I told her I felt hurt by some people and invalidated by others. I told her I was confused and turning far away from God.
Joy was listening with open ears and wide eyes.
I told her I was doubting myself, and how I wanted a new direction for my life that gave me peace and happiness, but wasn’t sure what others would think. I was scared about the judgement I would receive.
I told her I hated thinking about all of it.
I told her I drank, not with the purpose to have fun and socialize, but to avoid feelings.
I told her I drank so I wouldn’t care what others thought; I wouldn’t be thinking about others at all.
Wrong choice.
I hurt a lot of people and I hurt myself.
I told her about the redemption story the Lord had for me. I shared about the freedom He has provided me. I told her upon asking the Lord for a direction and obeying His calling that He has blessed me. He has blessed me with building a closer, more intimate relationship with my uncle, providing medication and a job for my sister including bringing us closer together, a relationship with a hard-working and loving man that I’m beyond grateful for every day, and an acceptance into my number one grad school. (Big announcement – I’m officially moving to Oregon upon arriving home because I got into optometry school! Woo!)
Joy was bent forward. Her elbows were softly placed on her knees and her hands were cupping her face. She slowly made eye contact with me.
She told me her three children come from two different men out of wedlock.
She told me she moved back home with her parents because the father of her two youngest children is abusive and a drunk.
She told me she was addicted to alcohol and smoking, but has been sober nine months now.
She told me she was awoken by the Lord and knew the goodness He has for her.
She asked for prayer for the father of her two youngest and that he may come to know the Lord.
I was really real with Joy and the Lord allowed that vulnerability to show me that I could provide hope and love to a stranger.
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I found my new year’s resolution.
This year, 2019, I want to be really real with people.
I want to be the friend that people can go to for the truth. I want to confidently be able to tell people the good and the bad. I want to be able to give words gently. I want to be able to have people trust me. I want others to trust that my words align with the Father and are not from my own mind. I want them to know that I come to them in love, deep love, just like our King.
“Keep your mouth free from perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.” Proverbs 4:24
I want to stay away from gossip and talk that comes with no intention of good. I want to be vulnerable and transparent with those who ask to hear my story. I want to be able to confront those I’m in conflict with. I want to tell others I’m proud of them. I want to genuinely tell another girl she looks good or that I like her shirt without being jealous. I want to be able to share my feelings and be truthful to my village when they ask if I’m okay.
American philosopher Dallas Willard said, “The most important thing in your life is not what you do; it’s who you become. That’s what you will take into eternity”.
I want to be really real with people.
I don’t want to ‘fake it until I make it’ anymore.
I don’t want to avoid tough conversations.
I want to be able to admit I’ve made mistakes.
I want to be able to own my opinion and not be embarrassed if I change it later on.
I want to change who I am – I want to be really real.
Much love and many blessings,
Rachel
