“…steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.”
-Psalm 32:10
I have always struggled in trusting the Lord. I struggled to trust him when he called me on the World Race, even though he made it incredibly clear that this is where he wanted me. I struggle in trusting him with my family, friends, & future. I struggle to trust him with my safety. Lies creep in that tell me he doesn’t want what is best for me. I hate that I battle with it so much, but it’s a reality for me. The Lord always proves that he is worth my trust. Every time I doubt, he shows me why he is worth my trust.
Why can’t I just trust him for who he is?
Why don’t I truly believe that he is my protector, provider, comforter, and friend?
That he is sovereign and over all things?
That he is working all things together for my good?
Why do I doubt?
“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”
-Romans 7:15-18
Last month in Malawi, our ministry was door-to-door evangelism. We would partner with different pastors in the area, and visit people in their homes, sharing about what the Lord has done for us and giving them an opportunity to accept Jesus as their savior.
Early on in the month, I was beginning to be concerned with what was happening. We would go to these houses that would be filled with people from all over the neighborhood. My teammates and I would share what Holy Spirit was putting on our hearts, then the pastors we were with would share something that we could not understand because we do not speak Chichewa, the local language. Then, those who wanted to accept Christ would raise their hands and repeat after the pastor. Most of the time, almost everyone in the house would raise their hand and chant together. Then we would leave. Many red flags were going up in my head.
Do they understand what they are doing?
What was said to them?
Have they accepted Christ before? If so, do they know they don’t have to do it again?
Is this genuine or forced upon them?
Are they feeling shame?
To me, it seemed as though the pastors were working more towards number of “converts” rather than focusing on actual heart change. The same thing would happen again and my teammates and I would be sure to say, “If you have accepted Jesus before, you don’t have to do it again. All you have to do is repent and turn from your sins. There is grace upon grace. This doesn’t require you to accept Jesus again.” I also struggled with making sure they understood salvation was more than just repeating a phrase. It has to be a change in your heart.
“…because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
-Romans 10:9-10
I feared that this approach would turn into the same people raising their hands every time they were posed with the question, “Would you like to accept Jesus?” The same people getting the same spiritual “high” and that being it. No growth. No relationship with Jesus. Just waiting around for the next white American missionary to tell them the same thing and for them to ask Jesus into their heart again.
I recognize that this is a very cynical way of looking at things. But I also want you to imagine doing the very same thing day in and day out. No matter what we said, the same thing would happen: everyone would raise their hand, pray the prayer, and then we would leave. It was hard not knowing what was being said once we finished speaking.
My teammates felt the same way. This began to change the way we felt about ministry. We began to feel like we weren’t making a difference. It felt like we were being used to draw crowds because we were “mzungus,” which means white people in Chichewa. Instead of taking the time together as a team to talk about trusting the Lord in every situation, we were feeding into this mindset.
This continued for days on end. One day, my teammate Kayla and I went into another village to evangelize. The first place we went was under a few trees in front of some houses. The people scrambled to find some chairs for Kayla and me, and then sat down in front of us. We shared what the Lord had put on our hearts, and then opened up the invitation for them to accept Jesus if they never had before.
No one was raising their hand. No one was chanting a prayer in words that weren’t their own, in a language I didn’t understand.
At least, no one until one little girl named Leah timidly raised her hand. She shared that she would like to receive Jesus. You could tell from her demeanor that it was completely genuine. It warmed my heart to see her accept Jesus and to receive a Bible from Pastor Anthony, our host. You could tell that receiving that Bible was the most precious gift to her.
After getting a sweet picture with her, we moved on to the next place.
We shared in two more places, with many people present. No one accepted Jesus. Crickets.
As we were walking back to the car, the convictions I had been feeling all day came flooding in my heart.
God was talking to me: “Why don’t you trust me? Who are you to say that the people you have been ministering to for the past week were not genuine in accepting me? Do you see their hearts? Only I know what is going on within their hearts. If they were not genuine, who are you to judge them? Your only job is to be obedient and to leave the rest up to me.”
I truly feel like the Lord was showing me what it could look like when people do not accept Jesus. Not that he was hardening their hearts, but rather showing me what I could have been experiencing. Sure, not every person who raised their hand may have truly understood what they were doing. But what if they did? Who am I to say that it is not genuine? That they aren’t truly accepting Jesus?
It’s not mine to worry about. I simply need to be obedient to what the Lord is asking me to do, and then trust the Lord with the rest. It sounds simple, but it’s incredibly difficult, at least for me.
This lack of trust was even extending to how my hosts were translating, the safety of the food we were eating at the locals’ houses, the safety of our transportation, and ultimately the Lord.
All of these things translate to not trusting God. I can’t just trust him with certain aspects of my life. I have to trust him with all of it. When lies creep in, I have to flood them with the truth I find in scripture. I have to declare it over myself-that I trust in the Lord. Worrying about these things won’t make a difference. Why not enjoy the ride & trust that God has me in his hands?
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6
Here’s to 2019: the year I grow in trust with my God.
*In this blog, I’m not saying that you should blindly trust everyone you meet, especially when it comes to the salvation of others. We also had conversations with our host and pastors that cleared up a lot of confusion (a lot of it revolved around cultural bias). It is good and healthy to have these conversations to make sure you are on the same page. You never want the gospel to be misconstrued.*
