Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
-Matthew 11:28-30
I have heard this verse many times. It has always comforted me in times of hardship and when I’m feeling especially overwhelmed. Knowing that I can lay my burdens and hardships before God and rest in his grace is an incredible promise, but that doesn’t mean it’s always the first place I turn to. Unfortunately, a lot of times it is the last resort because I try to handle things on my own (let’s just laugh at that for a second).
Being still before the Lord and resting in his presence has always been hard for me. At home, when I did have “down-time,” I turned to distractions: social media, Netflix, and anything else except what I crave from the depths of my soul. Besides my daily quiet time reading the Bible, I didn’t take intentional time to sit before the Lord, nor did I even know what this could look like until recently.
Adventures in Missions, the umbrella that the World Race is under, is extremely intentional with discipleship. Even though I grew up in the church and accepted Christ at a young age, I have struggled with intimacy with the Lord. Before the race, hearing the Lord’s voice mainly looked like intuitively feeling a “nudge” to do something. For example, “go talk to that person.” I never felt like he could give me specific words for myself or anyone else. At the end of last month, I was especially frustrated because I felt like I was completely unable to hear the Lord’s voice. I felt like there was almost a wall separating me from the Lord. Due to comparison, I began to think something was wrong with me.
A few weeks ago, we had debrief here in Costa Rica. Debrief is a time where the entire squad gets together to rest and recharge after a month of ministry. Our leadership comes out onto the field to help us process the last month and pour into us. We don’t have these after every month, but they are scattered throughout the race. We have devotionals, opportunities for one-on-ones with members of our leadership team, team debriefs, and time to truly rest.
One specific devotional was extremely impactful for me. It was completely about the Sabbath and rest. Allison, our squad mentor, read Matthew 11:28-30 to us and then asked us what it looks like to rest in the Lord. A lot of us shared that we don’t typically take time to completely be still before the Lord and allow him to speak to us. She explained that our entire squad was going to take two hours to rest. Within that, she explained that this type of rest can look different for everyone: some people may need to go lay down and take a nap first, some will read their bible, and some may not even open their bible. She warned us to not fall into comparison and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to us in different ways.
That morning, I wrote this in my journal:
“This morning, I just want to meditate on you, Holy Spirit.
Holy Spirit:
– I belong to you
-I want to hear you
-Fall afresh on me
As I repeat these things and meditate on them, I feel a peace come over me.”
As I laid down and turned worship music on, I felt my mind wandering and instantly became frustrated. I felt my mind wander to comparison with squad-mates, especially my sisters in Christ, and a feeling of inadequacy fell over me. I started to realize how hard I am on myself a lot of times, especially with physical appearance.
Not long after, I felt the Lord begin to tell me again and again how much he loves me just the way I am. He reminded me how I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I’ve heard this truth a thousand times and I’ve always believed it was true, but something felt different about this. I truly felt the truth wash over me and the Holy Spirit fall over me. I also felt an immediate release of pressure that I had been feeling for the past few weeks.
I cried. I knew it was Him telling me this.
Ya’ll- I struggle with emotions, but I am learning more and more (reluctantly) how valuable they are and how incredible they are to feel when you feel as numb as I had been feeling.
The Lord loves me so much. He loves me even when I don’t love myself. He created me. He knows how many hairs I have on my head. I know this journey with my emotions isn’t over yet, but I am incredibly grateful that the Lord cares about me enough to pursue me despite my reluctant spirit.
Someone recently told me that you can’t give away what you don’t have. If I don’t truly love myself and believe all of the truths the Lord says about us for myself, I can’t truly give these truths away.
The Lord is slowly transforming the head knowledge (theology) that I have known for so long and transferring it to heart knowledge. The best part is that he is crafting this process perfectly and knows exactly when the transfer needs to happen. I am excited to allow Jesus to strip more and more of myself away and replace it with him. As the Lord begins to wash these truths over me, I will be more equipped to share them with others and be able to TRULY mean it.
So:
The Lord loves you so much. He loves you even when you don’t love yourself. He created you. He knows how many hairs you have on your head.
Sometimes that takes being still before the father and allowing him to speak to you, as hard as it may be.
“Be still, and know that I am God.”
-Psalms 46:10
