I have 3 days to raise $3,500 for
my Dec 15th final support goal, good news is if it happens I am fully
funded and I can’t stop talking about money. Bad news is if I don’t get
it I am getting sent home. There are 9 other people on my squad with a
similar need, I will keep the Support Blog updated with our progress as the deadline approaches. Please consider donating so we can keep being the hands and feet of God.
I see the light at the end of the finance tunnel rapidly approaching and still don’t know if it is the glorious day of being debt free or the oncoming freight train of being sent home. I would be truly surprised if I went home, not because I think my teammates will fight for me ( my previous two teams did and blessed me beyond my comprehension) though they might, or because I think AIM may decide to be lenient, though they might, but because this is my college bowl game and I KNOW the Lord didn’t get me to the big game only to put me out on the injured list.
I didn’t come out on the race to have an adventure or even to help people (these are perks that I love). I left my life to lose it! Way before I was a Christian I had it in my heart to make a place for the lost to call home. Years of living in a world I don’t belong to blinded me to so many things and hardened my heart. I came out on the race to become a new person. To become the person I saw in my vision, a woman with wisdom and grace, patience and love. The woman I saw knew her place and who she was, she was confident and unafraid but also soft and tender. I knew that’s who I wanted and needed to be, I knew that was nowhere close to who I was and I knew it would take something big to get there. I knew it was going to take an act of God to break off the fear, the hurt and the self loathing that infected every part of my life. So I left it, I walked away, not knowing what I would find, only knowing that whatever it was had to be better than what I had.
My first team , team L’chaim, was hand picked by God (like every one of my teams) . Even now I find myself wanting to cry because of the depth of the gift they were and are to me. Each one of those girls took part in teaching me the value of being known. They taught me what I was willing to fight for, the freedom of transparency and the release of admitting brokenness. Sydney fought me into accepting love and wanting to be known. Logan called out all the lies, and the hiding places, cut them down and shone a light. Brittney is comfort when the world is falling apart, she is strength that she doesn’t even recognize, a lighthouse in the fog. Emily is passion personified, she is fiercely loving and made me check my heart and drop the timidity. Lili was my safe place, she kept my secrets and was a place to rest when I was just too tired to swim. These girls helped me, sometimes painfully, strip off 29 years of lies and hurt, together we tore down walls and built new foundations.
My second team, team Redemption, were a team of builders. From the moment I heard their names announced I was excited, it was like an all-star team, and that was before I really knew them. Andrea is strong and soft, leading by example, always ready to sacrifice for the team, she inspires other to strive to be better. Jeremiah is solid patient brother I always needed, always willing to share his mistakes for others to learn from. Jess is a warrior just coming into her own and she allowed us to go on that journey with her. Nathan is more than the visionary everyone calls him, he has the ability to draw out a persons potential, he can call them into who they are, when they can’t even see it themselves. Jen is a picture of wisdom and grace, she is discerning and careful to only speak life even though she sees both sides. Beckman is a base stone from which other people can build, he is honest and real, humble and wise. He gave me license to step further and further into the places I needed to go because I knew if I got lost he’d find a way to help me back. Together we built each other up and gained momentum in our walks. Each of these people helped me to grow in who I have been called to be and challenged me to ask for more.
Over the course of the 3 months I had with them I fell in love with everyone of these people. I revel in their victories and am crushed by their defeats. None of it started that way but by the end of each team there was nowhere I would rather be, than having an adventure (or even doing nothing) with them.
Here I am again at the beginning of a new team. L’chaim was unknown but after 7 months as a squad that is not the case here. Redemption was comfortable and that’s not what this is either. This is the team that the other two were training for. This is the MCAT or the LSAT or the GRE, this is the big test that sets the tone for the rest of my life. Leaving now is like working hard in high school, kicking butt through college and showing up to take the test and then walking out after only having bubbled in my name. This is not easy or comfortable but it is necessary to get where everything else has prepared me to go. I am scared but I am ready and I want to do this, do it well and walk away victorious. So there it is, the bare honest truth, that’s the real reason I can’t go home yet. I need $3,500 by the 15th to stay and I have no idea how that is going to happen but I can’t understand going home either. I’m gonna walk toward the light and hope for the best 🙂
