Adventures WorldRace SethBarnes Sponsorship Giving

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Chang Mai, Thailand: I couldn’t fall asleep. Well I could have but I wanted to know, I wanted to be relieved and share the news so that everyone else could be relieved too. And so I waited. 4am rolled around and  there was still no update to my world race support page, I still needed $3,505. 5am rolled around and to my shock and horror several of my posted donations disappeared and I now needed  $5,800. I figured this was a glitch and went to bed. At 6am I got up to check and the page had righted itself and I still needed $3,505. My heart sank, I felt sure I was suppose to be on the race. I had been sure that some miracle amount would appear, disaster would be averted and I would get to nonchalantly share my amazing news with everyone as they woke up, but it didn’t. I went back to bed. At 10am I woke up and skype called mama. It was still my birthday in California and since that is the day we fell in love I had to see her. She asked if I was coming home, I told her that I didn’t know yet, though I was pretty sure I did. I told her even online deposits take a few days to show up. What I didn’t tell her is that my feelings were hurt. I didn’t tell her that I had been hopeful that with all my effort my support tab would be dramatically different and that my hopes had been dashed. I didn’t say how I felt like everyone else on the finance list had been picked and saved, like puppies out of the box and that I was the last puppy, the ugly puppy, that nobody seemed to want.  I had to work in the cafe and didn’t have access to the internet all day, not even to write one last ditch blog, I was in the cafe when my team leader Carin got a call on her team cell phone for me…

It is strange to me that I am done worrying about finances. That I won’t need to make another facebook  plea or send another support letter. Its over. I didn’t think that it would end this way, but I know ultimately it is for the best. Its been two days and I still wake up in a panic thinking that I have to work on finances, but the deadline has passed and all I need to focus on is my last days of ministry in Thailand.  Looking back from the end of the road I can see the purpose of this in God’s plan.

 I had a peace about it, I felt it in my heart, what God was doing, but I still thought I had to make things happen, that I needed to save myself and my teammates. I saw everybody trying to help themselves or to help their friends, so I made a squad support letter, hoping that everyone would rally together and help each other. Some people reposted it but for the most part people were busy, I bet a lot of them didn’t even see it. I felt like I had to fight for it and that I was losing. A friend I made in the U.K. tweeted my blog to celebrities some of whom reposted it and I had over 500 blog hits in 4 days which made me hopeful but the money still wasn’t coming.

What I didn’t know is that all over Thailand people were staying up in intercessory prayer on my behalf. In Phuket Thailand Logan and Jen Miele were praying and Logan asked the Lord what to do, to which He replied “This is community, handle it!” So they did. The first call I got was from Logan was to tell me she had raised $1,300 in support for me from within the squad. The second call was to tell me that $1,800 was pledged from within the squad, another $450 from outside and that Anna’s mother was going to cover whatever was left. I couldn’t even feign excitement at this point because I hadn’t even managed to comprehend what was happening. My team and our partner team jumped up and down and did little dances, I was still trying to understand just what had happened. All I understood is that Logan who has never had to worry about money in her life took on my burden and bore it for me and when she asked other people from our squad to bare it with her, they said yes.  As I sat in a daze in front of my computer later that night, Logan messaged me saying that she had raised $2000 within the squad and that with the other money coming in we no longer needed Anna’s mother to cover the rest. In a little over 12 HOURS Logan and Jen Miele had done what I couldn’t do in 2 MONTHS. Why couldn’t I do it? Because I wasn’t suppose to.

I’m not sure when I am going to realize that I can’t MAKE things happen. That it isn’t my job to save the world or even myself. It was handled, I felt it, I knew it was going to be alright but I worked myself up, afraid of being wrong, afraid that it wouldn’t be alright and somehow that would diminish God. I am not sure when I will realize that God is as much bigger than my little life as He is. What I do realize is that I am still here and my financial burden is done, and that means I can no longer pretend I can earn my place on this trip or in God’s plan. I can’t sacrifice sleep or fun, or time to pretend the work I am doing to try and raise financial support somehow makes me deserve to be here more. I don’t deserve to be here, I didn’t earn it and there is nothing I can do to earn it, it is purely grace that keeps me here, but it keeps me here. 🙂