I'm writing a book and this is a piece of it that I wrote last year that I find is appropriate as I remind myself of why I am going on the WR.
“Don’t take your Spirit away, your Spirit away.” That’s the sound of my alarm at 5:15 am. Deitrick Haddon’s song is the first then that I hear when I wake up in the morning and then boom! The day has begun. I like mornings. I am one of those people. I like the darkness and the stillness. I feel like in the morning, I can imagine Genesis 1:2, “The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep.” There’s this essence that the day is without form, it is void, it is waiting for God to release the light and when He does the day begins and it’s good. In the morning, the stillness brings me peace; it reminds me of what I imagine life was like when there was no sin in existence. I read my Word and journal and pray and play the guitar and just rest in the goodness of the Lord.
Then, I have to get up and go.
I must go into the world and it’s crazy out there. There’s traffic and death, there’s temptation and bickering, there’s rushing and cursing, there’s hitting and lying, there’s neglect and disrespect, there’s hatred and pornography, there’s homosexuality and bullying, there’s theft and poverty, there is sin. The darkness seems to only be outside of my house, but when I closely inspect, I can see and sense the darkness that is within me that I must put to death daily.
The world is ravaged by sin and oftentimes, we who have the hope of redemption, the promise of new life, hide in our houses and churches and communities unwilling to prevail against the gates of hell and it’s sad.
Seasonally, I find myself stagnant, still performing, but not thriving. Still running Bible studies and meetings, still discipling and helping others, but not pouring out my life. There’s this numbing effect of busyness that overtakes my life. I become to busy to care or to notice or to move to move on behalf of the least of these and so I come to the end of a week and I look back and I’ve done so much, but in reality, very little, because I had not been walking by faith, rather I was walking by sight and the fruit thereof is not pleasing.
I long to be like Abel, but I choose through my actions to be like Cain and it sickens my soul to think that I have allowed myself to drift from the one thing in life that is keeping me alive—my relationship with God. So in desperation, I try to read in the DMV Inspection line, go into deep worship as I drive, memorize scripture before I go to bed, and emit short, desperate prayers along the lines of "Oh God, help me!" Spiritually drowning and grasping for anything that will help me float.
It’s been a while since I was swimming and I just now realized it. It’s sad when you are too engulfed in your own life to realize that your peace and joy are drifting away.
