It was the fourth day of Debrief in Dublin and I found myself in the corner of the game room, scrunched up on the wall, hidden by the empty vending machine, crying.
I was tired. I was hurt. I was sad.
I was allowing myself to feel emotions and not rationalize them away. I was allowing myself to be human.
Again. (If you’re counting this is breakdown #4)
After a taxing month in Ireland, I had come to Debrief, desperate for restoration, encouragement, and a renewal of hope. And now, I was in the corner crying my eyes out.
After my favorite month on the Race (Swaziland), I felt like I was thrown backwards in Ireland in a lot of ways. The ministry was great and we were back in Western society and I was able to reconnect with so many friends on the squad because it was all-squad month, but in a lot of ways, I was dying out.
I couldn’t find quiet. I couldn’t find stillness. I was lending out my hope and joy to all that needed it, but I wasn’t able to refill quickly enough. I was having a hard time making sense of the busyness and having a harder time making sense of team dynamics. But most of all, I was having a hard time understanding why God wasn’t making it all better.
Then came PVT and 24 of us left Northern Ireland to meet our parents in Dublin and since it was only a 6 day trip, our big packs were so much lighter and we were so happy. Many of us expressed that we wish that we could travel this light all the time and I heard God so clearly say, “You’re supposed to be traveling that light all the time.” And I knew what He was talking about.
It’s been eight months and every month, we take on more of our past and our pain and our wounds and we try to process and find healing, but we were not releasing. And from that moment on, the Lord kept prodding my heart to release and encourage others to release. We are trying to fix ourselves, when God is revealing things so that we can surrender them to us and He can heal us.
So, I returned from PVT and I started spreading the word.
Release! Release! There’s freedom in release!
The following Sunday, I got to stand in church and during prayer, I released so much pain and weight and I felt lighter and freer.
However, when I got to Debrief, I realized that I was carrying more than I could possibly comprehend. And so, as I sat in the corner, I released more pain and more weight. I released my sadness about the team, I released my hurts from different friendships, I released the sadness of not being there for my best friend’s first year in marriage and pregnancy, I released the weight of team leading and anything else I could find to release.
Then, mid-cry a legion of middle-school aged boys ran into the game room wanting to play PlayStation 2 and I basically hated my life at the moment. (I kinda wanted to murder somebody, don’t tell!)
So I uncurled and took myself to my bed and listened to music for a while. Emotionally exhausted, but joyful.
Later that night, I had to share with the squad that I was stepping down from team leading because it was the healthiest thing for me right now and as I was trying to get my three-minute spiel together, I heard God speak over me,
You are worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for.
And I’m trying so hard not to cry, but some tears escape down my cheek and I know that this is right.
I am right where God has me and He is with me and He is fighting for me.
He had my World Race leadership fight for me and He was fighting for me, but He wanted me to actually fight for myself.
Unfortunately, on this side of heaven, it will always be a fight. A fight against sin, against the flesh, against the kingdom of the enemy, but our job is to stand.
Our job is to stand firm, do not let ourselves be entangled again by the yoke of slavery, and let our God fight for us.
So these past few days, I have been inundated by sermons, scriptures, books, and songs that have told me to keep fighting. Fight another day. Fight for joy. Fight for freedom. Fight to believe. Fight to hope.
And so, this is me dropping labels and titles and a false sense of meaning. This is me charging into the enemy’s camp with righteous fury, with the intention of taking back my life.
Will you fight for the life that is rightfully yours?
