She pulls the headphone out of my ear and asks me what's wrong.
We are on a bus out of Vietnam and into Cambodia and I can't deal.
I am overcome with emotion and I am staring out the window into the darkness crying.
I am trying to form words, but the emotion is stifling my brain and nothing is coming out.
Finally, I say,"I'm not a crier, but…"
I manage to tell my friend, K, about my Vietnamese sister, T.
A few weeks previous, I met T who is a few years younger than me and so full of life and joy.
I had been so guarded, so emotionally cautious, yet she still managed to jump over my walls and capture my heart.
On the last night after struggling to explain communion and then lead the sinner's prayer for those in the café who were not in a relationship with Jesus, I had a heart to heart conversation with my sister, T.
She told me that she wanted to accept Jesus. She saw how great it was for all of us and she wanted it, too, but she feared losing her family. They are Buddhist and would be mad if she chose to follow Christ instead of Buddha.
So as tears filled my eyes, I pleaded with her. "Jesus is the best thing that you could ever have. This is why I am here. This is why I'm on the Race. He's worth giving up everything for." And with tears in her eyes, she told me, "Do not cry, sister. Maybe I will follow Buddha in this life and then in another life, I will come back and follow Jesus."
My heart broke into pieces. "It doesn't work like that…"
She tried to console me. She tried to tell me that it would be ok, but I knew the truth.
Without Jesus, it will never be ok.
This world is dark and fallen, humanity is destined for death and the grave.
Sitting on the bus on the way to debrief in Cambodia, I couldn't shake that encounter.
I couldn't shake the fact that my Vietnamese sister is not my sister in Christ and I wept for her dear soul.
My friend, K, spoke words of hope to me and encouraged me, letting me know that God did not have me meet my Vietnamese sister for nothing and that month was just one piece of the story that He is writing for her life and that there is so much hope because she is still alive and God is still on the throne.
I breathed in and out slowly, allowing the words to sink down past my emotions and into my soul and I felt peace. I knew what she was saying was true, I had even said it to myself earlier, but this time it finally hit.
After our conversation, I put my headphone back in and stared back out into the darkness and heard God tell me that if I keep asking Him to give me a heart like His, I will find myself in this place many times again. He told me to use the sorrow in my heart as a reminder to pray fervently for their souls and to furiously love the people that He placed in my path.
I'm not a crier, but I have cried so much on this Race. Most of the time it is about my own issues, but lately I have been overcome with sorrow and grief at the pain and lostness of others.
I weep for my sweet brothers and my sweet sisters who have heard the gospel and have rejected it; I weep for my sweet brothers and my sweet sisters who proclaim Christ with their lips, but do not honor him as Lord of their lives, and I weep for my sweet brothers and my sweet sisters who have never heard the marvelous and scandalous message of grace.
We do not get to do what we want with this life and then follow Christ during another life.
"It doesn't work like that…"
I can't live for myself now and expect to live for Christ later. I am all in. I've enlisted in the army. I've taken the family name. I am His and He is mine.
In that moment where I pleaded with T, I realized that I was convinced. I actually believed that Jesus is the best thing that could have ever happened and that He absolutely is worth giving up everything for. Every fiber in my being shook with conviction and even though that conversation ended without her coming to Christ, the Lord revealed that yes, my heart is clouded by pride and lies, but I really do love Him and of course, I ended up crying again.
I love you, Jesus! Save my sister, T. Rescue her from darkness. Remind me over and over again that you are worth giving up everything and please continue to break my heart for what breaks yours. Keep wrecking my world in the best way possible. Love you!
