This blog goes out to the members of the Chainless fam: Ekow, Erik, Kasey, Rachael, Helene, and Skylar.
It’s 3am and I am balling my eyes out on the fourth floor terrace of the Saiphai Pae Hostel in Bangkok, Thailand.
January 1, 2014 had been a great day starting with a 7:30 am morning/quiet time date Starbucks with Rachel and then such a fantastic time at the zoo with my new team. Following that was team leader training, which ran right into worship practice, then our first team meeting and then the squad session that night.
Before I knew it, it was ten, and I managed to sneak away for a dinner, courtesy of 7-11, and one-on-one time with Kalah and tried to let my soul breathe for just a little.
An hour later, I thought that I was good.
I thought that I had talked out my feelings and thoughts, but as I found out four hours later, my insides were wrecked. I was settling into bed and listening to “Rock Your Soul” by Elisa, a current favorite, and I started sobbing. Except for Erik, everyone in the room was sleep and I didn’t want to be that girl crying in the middle of the night, so off to the terrace I went.
I half wanted someone to come and find me and comfort me, but I half knew that I needed this to be a “Come to Jesus” moment. So I let the grief wash over me, afraid that if I stifled it, it would wreck me later on and I looked out into the quiet darkness.
“I am going to miss you Chainless fam, even more than I realized, I am going to miss you,” I managed to get out as tears streamed down my face. I was completely unashamed and unrestrained. I rocked back and forth on this bench, weeping as I began to think about the unspeakable impact that Ekow, Erik, Kasey, Skylar, Rachael, and Helene have had on my life.
I began to think about our inside jokes and jingles, our off day adventures, our Bible studies and prayer times, our struggles and our faults, our joys and our fears, and how we walked through them together and now that chapter of my life was over and I had a right to mourn. You don’t just invest in a Christ-centered community like that for four months and just walk away. I had to remind myself continually that God is a good God and there is so much good that will come out of that, but that didn’t make it any easier.
But somewhere in there, my tears of sorrow became tears of joy and gratitude when I thought about the amazing blessing that these sweet people have been to my life and that I got to spend four months of my life with them! That is beyond amazing. Who am I that God would give me such a beautiful gift?
Around 3:20am, I said goodbye to my Chainless fam for the second time and I let Jesus wrap His arms around my heart and I clung to His strength hard because my heart was faint.
To honor my God and my Chainless fam, I will continue to walk in the freedom that I have experienced in these last four months, I will push even deeper into vulnerability and courage, I will be bold and I will love with a full heart because Christ first loved me.
Teams change, situations change, but one thing remains—You can’t hold me back, I’m Chainless!
Love y’all for life.
I need about $600 more to be fully funded, please help me finish out strong! Love you all so much and thank God so much for your generosity. I pray that you realize how much I appreciate you.
