The skies were blacker than I had ever seen in my entire life before. The wind was picking up. Sheets of metal rattled furiously on top of the shacks held up with only a few long pieces of wood to suffice as a “home” for many of the locals living here in Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire.
Africa.
Ever since I have stepped foot on this continent, God has been doing so many things inside of my heart and soul. So much so, that I had started to push Him out and away. As I had begun to dig deeper into Him, seek Him out, press into His presence, and pursue more of who He is, He began to do the same with me.
And I hadn’t bargained for that.
I am broken. I am war-torn. I am hard. I am distant.
I have limits to the level of intimacy that I allow people into my life, including myself, and those limits are very surface level.
I have deep, deep trust issues.
As God began to dig more into me and pursue me, as a groom would His bride, I began to retreat. I began to become upset and mistrustful. And I couldn’t help it. It was almost like an instant reflex deep inside me that I couldn’t understand but that I knew was very real.
In a moment of complete brokenness and vulnerability with God I cried out, “I don’t trust You!”. It hurt my ears to hear those words spoken out loud. How could I say that about the Savior of the World? The Lord who gave His very life for me? Still, those words rang true in my heart. I was heart broken.
The storm raged on around me. We began to run towards the boats that we needed to embark on to get back home. The rain was falling fast. The wind picked it up and carried it even faster. It stung my face when it hit me. The water was swirling like it was in a big boiling pot. The thunder was so loud that it sounded like the heavens were about to open up right then and there. The lightning strikes were huge and glorious. And also close. Too close.
As I ran I saw the rattling metal sheets again and a moment of fear came over me as I thought of what would happen if one were to rattle loose and fling off into the path we were running. We finally reached the boat- soaking wet from head to toe. As I sat down, water pooling in and spilling over the seat, I dared to think that perhaps this storm was because of me. The storm around me resembled almost exactly the state of my heart and soul- a raging storm. Fighting against itself. Laying ruin to everything in sight. Dark. Uninviting. Dangerous. Sad.
The enemy of our souls is as devious and cruel as they come. He knows your worth, you see. He knows how deeply loved you are. How thoughtfully and carefully you were made. How you were created to reflect the very glory of God Himself.
“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.”
1 Peter 5:8
From the very beginning, the serpent set out to create a deep mistrust within us against God. His first words to Eve were essentially, “But did God really say that?”
How many times have I questioned God’s goodness towards me? How many times have I poured over Scripture, reciting His promises, and still in the back of my mind thinking, “But did God really mean that?”
Why is it so hard for me to believe He has good intentions towards me?
Satan, you snake.
You set your poison deep inside from the very beginning.
Our flesh naturally has a deep mistrust in God as a consequence of sin entering into the world.
And as if that were not enough- to be naturally inclined to fear and mistrust- he digs his fangs in deeper.
With every heartache, with every careless, misplaced word aimed directly at your heart, with every brutal attack of abandonment, with every thought of worthlessness, with every fear of failure. The list of blows goes on and on. More and more with every passing year. The chains get heavier, one by one. And his devious smile grows fuller and fuller all the while.
But what would happen if I stepped out of his dominion of darkness and into the glorious light of a loving Father and the pursuer of my soul?
But that would mean I would have to bring all of me. All of the hurts. All of the bleeding wounds. All of the walls that I had built around them. All the dark, lonely places. All the things that I had been hiding from Him. Everything I thought He didn’t want or care to see. Everything I that I had convinced myself didn’t matter, effect, or have any power over me.
But something happened. Something happened in that moment of desperation in the dark hours of that early morning in Africa. That brief moment that I let my walls down, for a split second, just long enough to verbalize my deepest fear- “I don’t trust You.”
As much as it hurt my ears to hear it, it was almost as if I felt God deeply reply, “Finally!”
I wasn’t lying to Him anymore. I wasn’t trying to “fake it ’til I make it”. I was being real. Raw. Honest. Even if it was scary. Even if it felt gut wrenching.
I was letting Him in.
And that’s all He ever wanted. Just me. No masks. No fake strength. No mustered courage.
The closer you get to God, the more glorious you realize He is and also the more broken and destitute you realize you are- apart from Him.
That last part is so VERY IMPORTANT to realize and never forget. The snake will first put mistrust in your heart towards God but then he will continue on to attack your very worth.
It is true- apart from Christ, we are nothing. But through Jesus Christ- we are reconciled back to God. What once was broken, destitute, and abandoned, is now reconciled back to the Father.
You.
You are reunited with God.
And, even if it doesn’t always feel like it, He has incredible, beautiful plans for you.
Ask Him to show them to you. And ask Him to give you the faith and boldness to passionately pursue all the adventures that He has called you to, without ever wavering in trusting His promises to catch you when you jump.
“For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet,
’til her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch.
The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory;
you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called Hephzibah (my delight is in you),
and your land Beulah (married);
for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married.
As a young man marries a maiden, as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you.”
-Isaiah 62:1-5
“And so, dear heart, it is time for your restoration. For there is One greater than your Enemy. One who has sought you out from the beginning of time. He has come to heal your broken heart and restore your soul. Let us turn now to Him.”
-Stasi Eldredge
Faith and Courage from Côte d’Ivoire
