A few months ago, Jesus led me to John 15 in the Bible. In this chapter of John’s Gospel, Jesus explains what it means to abide in Him as He abides in the Father. He explains what we receive when we abide and what we miss out on when we don’t. He explains who we become when we abide in Him and how that changes us and all those around us.
I have read this passage many times before. But Abba opened up my eyes to understand it on a deeper level. And He told me that He wanted to use this season to teach me how to abide in Him, and only Him.
The first month and a half of being home, abiding was reading my Father’s words (the Bible) and soaking in them. Abiding was having daily conversations with Him in my journal and receiving revelations from him. Abiding was worship through song and praise of Him and His name.
When I did these things, I was left speechless as to what happened. I was brought to my knees in reverence for Yahweh and in deep gratitude of who He is and what He does. I experienced a peace that passes all understanding and a love deeper than I’ve ever known before. I experienced TRUE HOPE in this broken world. Abiding reminded me of my freedom in Jesus Christ. That was my experience for about a month and a half. The last few weeks however, have been quite different.
In my previous blog I left off with this statement “P.S. If you’re reading this and thinking it all sounds great but wondering about the days when it seems too hard to believe, stay tuned for my next blog. I have some thoughts on that.” The first part of this blog was going to be my answer to that. Abide. But my thinking was a little off. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe abiding is the answer. But it may not always look or feel like what we think it should or want it to.
The last few weeks, things have been dark and scary for me. I’ve been experiencing complete hopelessness and despair, I’ve been feeling like I can’t do enough to be loved, and I’ve been engulfed with fear and anxiety. As all of this is happening, I’ve been wondering where the love, peace, and hope have gone. What am I doing wrong? How could I have failed this bad? I’ve walked so faithfully into so many really hard things this year just to come to this point and have lost everything I gained from that? I thought I knew how to abide and stay firm. And now look at me. I’m a mess.
Let me be clear, those are all LIES. But I’ve been wrestling with them because the things I thought I knew about abiding and how to do that are not working. That is the answer though. I’ve been trying to abide in my way. I have not had my hands open to how Jesus wants me to abide in this storm.
However, the last few days Jesus has been so gently redirecting me and showing me what abiding looks like for me right now. Right now, abiding is laying down my weapons and finding the freedom to rest while He does the fighting for me. Abiding is letting Him hold me in His embrace and comfort me as I weep and cry out to Him. Abiding is seeking out the incredible people He has put in my life that remind me who I am in Him and show me a love like His. Abiding is saying yes to seeing what my friends are involved in and experiencing glimpses of hope as I see the mighty ways the Spirit is moving people out of religion and towards Jesus again.
You see my friends, even though my abiding looks different right now, I’m still experiencing the peace and hope and love. My roots have not changed because they are grounded in Him and He does not change. And when I abide in Him, it keeps me firm in His unchanging nature, even when my circumstances seem to be saying the opposite.
So what does abiding look like for you in your current season? Ask Jesus. He will lead you into the peace and hope and love that can only come from abiding in Him.
