There’s this funny thing about being a missionary. It’s something The Lord really wanted me to learn for quite some time, but as we all know, sometimes our learning curve can be a little flat.
It’s being hyperaware of the gauge of your energy, your heart, your body, and your spirit as it approaches either “full” or “empty”. And it is more important in ministry and missions than you would ever, ever guess.
When I started being discipled 3 years ago to become a youth pastor, the first lesson my crazy mentor had for me was on being filled up by God to avoid burn out and break down. I remember thinking to myself, “Okay, yeah! I get that! Don’t burn yourself out. Go back for refills with The Lord before you keep pouring out. Have boundaries in ministry and rest. Got it! Can you PLEASE teach me everything in the bible and every successful teaching method ever written to prepare me for these crazy teens!?”
This lesson has come up even before then and it sure came up after then too. Being on the race, one of the first things we discussed as a squad with our squad leaders was what burnout looks like in missions and how to avoid it and combat it. “Awesome, I already know this. I am SO prepared,” I thought to myself on top of our apartment building in Kathmadu, Nepal as we overlooked the endless city of colors, buildings, and pollution.
Fun fact: As prepared as you think you might be, don’t ever get complacent because the devil loves his footholds and cracked doors to try and sneak through your best defenses.
This month in Mozambique, in our first week of ministry, I found my hands on the eyes of blind people. I found myself sitting in the middle of a poverty stricken nation on bamboo mats of elderly women as I learned how to grind corn. I looked down and found an elderly man’s crippled and swollen leg in my hands as I begged The Lord for healing and mercy so he could return to work to provide for himself and his wife. I looked around and found myself sitting on a pile of crumbling bricks while I prayed over another blinded woman and called out evils in her life from the strong influences of witchcraft that permeates so much of this place. My hands warmed from the presence of other’s hands that rested in my own as we prayed healing over crippled, blinded, HIV infected, elderly, orphaned, and lonely people all around our new home here in Guija, Mozambique. I found myself smiling at going to a church in the bush of Africa under a massive tree in the middle of a heard of goats. But I also found myself completely shaken and weary.
As we walked around to different communities and prayed for people, I was suddenly caught off guard by a wave of emotion I hadn’t felt since leaving home. One man we were to go meet and pray over, we were told had been in a severe mining accident and was permanently crippled. We weren’t exactly sure what we were walking into but I had the feeling it would be pretty heavy. As we approached this man, my heart instantly fell to my feet. I had been leading most of the prayer ministry that day but I couldn’t do it when I saw him. He was so slumped over in his chair that kneeling in front of him was about the only way he could remotely look at me. One of his arms was in his lap, one was dragging on the ground. I was the first to reach him and I simply knelt down in front of his makeshift wheelchair, picked up his hand, dusted it off and began stroking the back of it with my thumb as we talked for a minute. He was wearing an old dirty t-shirt and a towel as a sort of makeshift diaper. He sat in a wheelchair that had an old chunk of foam as the “seat.” And he has the brightest eyes and the most sincerely beautiful smile I’ve known.
After I talked with him through our translator, Anton, for a few minutes, I couldn’t get my voice past the lump in my throat any longer. One of my teammates graciously picked up and began praying over him. I sat in front of him, still on my knees in the dirt, holding his hand. As she prayed, I glanced over at his big bright eyes and had to quickly turn my face away from his to hide the tears that began to fall past my sunglasses. I felt my shoulders begin to shake a little and I did my best to sniffle quietly and unobtrusively. He didn’t want pity. I didn’t want to embarrass him. But I wasn’t crying out of pity. I found myself crying out of emptiness and a brokenness over the world my eyes were suddenly opened to in a completely new way.
As we finished up I swallowed the emotions, wiped the hot tears from my cheeks, put on a smile and told him it was such a blessing to meet him and that The Lord has a purpose for him, and as we began to walk to the next place, I could barely keep myself together.
After a week or so of processing, and finally being able to really talk with my mom about heart stuff for the first time in about 5 months, I realized that The Lord has been trying to teach me about running empty and the symptoms that lead up to it. Shocker. It’s the same lesson he has been trying to prepare me for in ministry for years.
Think about it this way: When someone is sick, we send them to the doctor, not because we know they are sick or can determine what’s wrong with them, but rather because we observe symptoms that we know are pointing to something else. The doctor then runs some tests, pokes and prods around and determines, based on the symptoms that someone is exhibiting, what particularly is going on in their body.
It’s the same way with our spiritual side too. As we continue on living life, things like friendships, school, work, family, responsibilities, ministry, church and community stuff, sports stuff etc all requires something of us. We tend to really not know when we are approaching the “empty” on our gauges because we haven’t really been taught to be aware of symptoms that show we are running low. Plus not having a handy little gauge plastered to our forearms is annoyingly not helpful.
I’m starting to be able to identify my own symptoms. There’s definitely more than I see right now and they don’t all come up at the same time. But something I’m starting to be able to do is look at them for exactly what they are. Symptoms. It’s not me randomly getting sick (mostly), it’s not me just PMSing, it’s not me just having an “off day”. It’s things I’m starting to exhibit because I haven’t gone back to the source of my patience, the source of my grace and compassion, my source of courage and rest, and my source of joy, health, and life.
I’m starting to realize that some of my emotional disconnect on the race so far is because of my lack of time with The Lord and my neglect on living life with him, not just sharing the highlight reel with him. You see, on the race, there is SO much to see. There is SO, SO much to do. The list never ends, the need never goes out of sight, the people never stop coming, and you never rest. Unless you choose to.
If you are a future racer (gosh, even if you’re not) hear this: You will NEVER ever underestimate the significance and importance of living the race out with Jesus. Every moment, every single moment, take it and share it with him. Take time to sit and hash out the tough things you’ve done. Place your weariness in his lap and let him rub your back and stroke your hair as you cry. Give him your frustration as you witness categorical injustices. Have conversations with him as you ride in tuk-tuks, walk miles, give up your possessions, live in community, eat strange food and participate in crazy cultures, share your life and the innermost parts of who you are with complete strangers. Ask him what he has for the people you meet instead of just doing what you think they need. Search out Holy Spirit’s already good work he is doing in each person (fun fact you are not the one that is starting the good work in the person, nor are you the reason their life will or will not change. Holy Spirit already knows them and is already doing things. *Get behind what he is doing instead of asking him to get behind what you want to do*). Look for him in each moment, in each tear, in each laugh. Let him give you restful sleep in an airport or crammed on an overnight bus with 50 other people.
Note: Being refilled by Him doesn’t just look like scripture reading, worship in music, journaling, intense soaking sessions, or reverent meditation. It for sure happens in these things but it also happens in so many other ways. God is kind of the God of creation, joy, fun, laughter, friendship, conversations, movies, books, art, food, sleep and so much more, but don’t ever forsake His word for any of theses things (especially in ministry and on the race).
I have come to realize that I wasn’t just moved by the man in the wheelchair because of the sorrow of his circumstances I picked up on, although that is initially what caught my heart. My reaction to him, came out of a place of not being in constant communion with the ultimate Healer, Comforter, joy Giver, Sustainer, Provider, Protector, Friend, Lover, Father, Teacher, Companion, Confidant, and Lord.
The things that I desired for this man more than my own next breath came from the Father’s heart for this man and the reason why it was so powerful is because I hadn’t been living in the Father’s heart. God basically gave me an instant, painful, but powerful heart transplant of what he sees and wants for humanity and put it directly into my own heart.
When we run dry, or even start to wander down the road of running low, we rob ourselves and other people of the sustaining power that God has for us every moment of every day. I encourage you to evaluate yourself and look at your own symptoms. Then, once you’re looking clearly at yourself, draw near to The Lord. Moment by moment. Don’t just share the highlight reel with him.
Because of Him,
Rachel
P.S. You have helped me reach 90.47% funding!!!! I’m at $14,701 out of the $16,243 needed for me to be fully funded!!! Wow! I honestly have no words. I’m so grateful and humbled!!! Love to all.
P.S.2 pictures to come with more wifi!
