“Yeah I’m going through the last couple of laser hair removal treatments so I don’t need to shave or anything on the race. I don’t want to deal with that, you know?”
“Oh yeah me too. Also did you get those supplements? They were super expensive but I decided to go ahead and just pay for them myself for the whole year.”
“Dang it.” I thought to myself. Why didn’t I manage my money better for the last 15 years of my life?? Now I’m going to be the weird smelly, hairy girl on this trip who has to figure out how to shave out of a water bottle or something. And those supplements?? I’ve never even heard of them…but looking at them at the vitamin store made me briefly contemplate selling a kidney so I could have them in my pack for the race.
Let’s be honest, I even went to the clinic to sell plasma for some extra cash. I was rejected.
You just had to get a new ear piercing this summer didn’t you, Rachel? (FYI this squelches your ability to donate for a year and thus earn extra cash. Who knew?)
All of the conversations swirling around our squad with what people are bringing, buying, investing in before leaving, doing, accomplishing etc is quickly making me feel like the poor kid in kindergarten who doesn’t speak the language.
I already thought I spent entirely too much on the gear that I have. I’m using some of my dad’s old hunting gear. I’m bringing normal clothes, a surplus of normal underwear, 4 Old Spice deodorants, and some Cliff bars. And that’s about all I’ve got going right now. –Don’t get me wrong, I have lists, I am reading blogs…I’m not completely unprepared but the comparison game I slipped into with my own squad starting peeling back layers of trust, simplicity, and comfort that I had been wrapping around myself in the midst of the Lord’s plan.
I’m learning just how quickly comparison breeds distrust, temptation, fear, and panic. It ultimately sets the bar for you always falling short and always overlooking the gifts God has already given you.
To be honest with you, panic started to settle into my heart about a month ago. I stopped sleeping very well sometime back in November which led to an unfortunate experience with trying to take Ambien to sleep. But instead of rest, I got hallucinations and weird stories about things I snapchatted while I was trying to fall asleep. Bummer.
Questions started swirling around in my mind about my role on the race, my desires in life…truly everything my mind could come up with began to overtake any semblance of peace I had lived in for the last nine months as I prepared for the race. But recently, God in his infinite mercy and grace has reminded me just how honored I am. Just how He treasures me. Just how valued I am and how much value He has placed over my life.
Suddenly, after realizing where I had gone wrong with my perspectives, God reminded me that He is the All Mighty. He is the infinite God who holds all in his hands. All of it. All the money. All the resources. They’re all right there at his command. But even more than that, all of the love, grace, preservation, patient pursuit, meticulous designing and planning…those are all there in his hands too.
I’ve come to realize I am not lacking.
I don’t have as much money in my account as other racers but I’m not lacking. I’m not bringing the same things or the same high tech gear as others but I’m not lacking. I’m unsure of many “adult responsibilities” in life but I am still not lacking. I don’t have all the answers, I definitely don’t have all the peace in the world, but I. am not. lacking. I have been abundantly supported. Abundantly loved. Abundantly provided for. Abundantly encouraged. The greatest thing of all is that there is always more to partake in at the feet of the Father. There is always more. His desire to be our Papa, to live the promise of Provider and Friend out over our lives is greater than your desire to pray for such things. You see, in all of scripture, there are hundreds, literally hundreds of promises that God has made. Tiny ones, huge ones, ones specific to a single individual, and ones that affected nations. But in the midst of the plethora of promises, He has never, not once, broken a promise. One of the exciting things is that many are yet to be fulfilled!! But if our Provider has never broken a promise in the entire history of the world, why would He start now, with me, Rachel Zerby in Rio Rancho, New Mexico? Why would He suddenly become a God of broken promises?
That’s right. He wouldn’t.
To be quite honest, I’m not worth it for him to break a promise. And that’s the best thing ever. I’m worth TOO much to Him to break a promise.
The title of this entry might have been a little misleading. There’s not actually a girl on my squad whose father is a billionaire. Well…not exactly.
There’s actually 53 children on my squad whose Father is the wealthiest, most generous, and loving papa in the entire universe. And it’s so great.
He has given everything for us. And now, we can choose to freely partake and share with others. We don’t have to fear if He will meet the needs we have. He already does. We don’t have to question if His love for us pierces through our unrest and sinful natures. It already did when his blood was shed to prove it.
Will you continue to doubt His provision over you? Will you continue to deny his abundant blessings? OR will you simply partake. Partake and then usher others to partake as well.
“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.” Romans 8:15-17
Love,
Rachel
PS: Leaving for launch in T minus 4 days.
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