Have you ever had that horrid dream of waking up naked in front of your class, or having to give a speech in your underwear or something?
Most of us have never actually had such a thing happen to us (I sincerely pray), but have you ever been stripped emotionally? Have you ever been laid bare spiritually? Have you ever found yourself naked before the Lord of the Universe, with nowhere to hide, nothing to grab onto for safety?
I have. This month. For the first real time. And it was terrifying. It all began at Training Camp. Actually, I take that back. I believe God was cultivating my heart for this experience long before training camp.
There was a moment at training camp where the Lord allowed me to experience an absolute stripping of identity. An identity I didn’t know I had placed around myself. It was where Rachel Zerby=leader, and if Rachel Zerby did not equal leader, then suddenly Rachel Zerby didn’t know what to do.
I know, I know. “Oh gosh Rachel, seriously? That’s what your identity crisis was?? So what?”
But seriously folks. I realized so personally for the first time, what identity is and what it feels like when the Lord orchestrates it to where you are in a position that is not comfortably set and secured around that identity fence you have built around yourself.
Suddenly, I was shaken. I felt naked before the Lord.
I have to explain that for a few weeks/months-ish before this earth shaking moment, God had been systematically removing me from situations, ministry, relationships, and all comforts I was secure in. At training camp, I was physically stripped of comforts, sleep, normal food portions, and my belongings which put me in prime position to finally experience what God had been quietly and gently trying to pry out of me spiritually and emotionally. You see, I found that when you have nothing left physically, you are tender harvesting grounds for God to do his work in you emotionally and spiritually.
This is what led up to my moment of an identity crisis. In the moment where I felt I had lost a position on my team that I was called to, God revealed that I had build myself into that identity, and when I went to grab onto something familiar for comfort, they were not there. My family was not there. My friends were not there. Food was not there. Clothes and shopping were not there. Money wasn’t there. My bed wasn’t there. The option of sleep wasn’t there. TV and Netflix weren’t there. Anything I would have normally turned to, to numb the shock was.not.there. All that was there was a stripped and vulnerable Rachel at the foot of a powerful and gentle God.
It was only there that my ears were sensitive to the deafening quiet around me, the calluses on my heart had been ripped off, and the Lord of the Universe was having his way on a fresh canvas and a blank slate.
God began leading me through the process of grieving the losses I felt in the past; hopes that fell, previous relationships that dissolved, dreams that never came to be, prayers that were unanswered, ideas of leaving my family, and essentially the idea of getting rid of my life. I am learning that I can only move forward to the place where God has called me if I grieve the losses I’ve lived in as my past. I found out that at training camp, I wasn’t in a position where I needed to be radically moved by the Holy Spirit. I didn’t need to inherit the gift of tongues, or start crying uncontrollably, or laughing, or any other manifestation that seems to be common at revival worship nights. God had me right where he needed me, in a place of peace, so that I could finally feel what I had numbed all these years with all those comforts.
As I sat at the feet of my Savior deaf and blind to my previous world, I finally felt the sorrow and pain over those losses, and I finally began to experience healing. And healing equals hope and a future.
Friends, sometimes we numb ourselves so successfully that we cut off any possibility of the Holy Spirit having his way in us, no matter how hard we pray that he would. It is difficult for God to do a work in you, if you have fought to numb yourself to his touch.
Being stripped of identity and comfort hurts. It is a vulnerable place to be that most people would not willingly venture into. I didn’t. Even though for almost 15 years I thought I did. I prayed I did. But I didn’t. But in that place of nakedness, the God of the universe scoops us up, speaks to our newly tendered and sensitive hearts, and guides us into deeper waters of his ravenous love, his scandalous grace, and his adventurous plan for our lives.
God keeps brining to my mind the story of Peter stepping out of the boat and walking out towards him on the water. To wrap up, I wanted to share some incredible truths that I’ve realized about that story.
- Peter had to leave the boat. The boat that held his identity (he was a fisherman and spent his entire life knowing and living in that boat as a fisherman). The boat held his comforts and his “safety.” The boat held his friends. The boat held his doubts. The boat was where he said in faith, “Command me to come out on the water to you, if you really are the Lord” but outside of the boat is where his faith was put to action.
- Peter had to willingly walk out into a storm of waves that could swallow him, in order to stand in the place Jesus was calling him to. A place right in front of Jesus himself.
- As Peter began to sink, he was already in prime position for Jesus to save him. He was at Jesus’ feet.
- The waves WILL swallow you and the storm WILL overwhelm you if you look at it, instead of Jesus.
- Jesus took Peter back to the boat and as the waves were calmed, a spirit of worship overcame all who were on the boat.
Friends, I challenge you to look at these points and see how they pertain to your life. Let God have his way in you. It is far better than being numbed and living without hope.
His love is ravenous. His grace is scandalous. His will over your life is adventurous.
