So picture this I’m sitting on my bed in Mumbai, India and I’m frustrated, angry, hurt, and confused. I’m sick and tired of my joy being like a little tiny tree that is tossed this way and that by every gust of wind and monsoon downpour that comes at my life. I don’t want my joy to be based on circumstance or people or decisions or getting my way.
Joy is more than that. If it was only that we would be talking about a whole lot of crap when we include joy as one of the powerful fruits of the spirit. If joy is that bendable, and easily broken then why in the world would I care if I have it or not.
Well, I guess it’s because inside of me there is a whisper of something more.
A joy that is deep inside my gut, unfailing, based on a knowledge of the truth. Joy is not just having a smile on my face. Joy has to be something unshakable inside of me that pumps in my veins whether I am having the best day of my life or I am holding a child who is being repeatedly raped and I can’t do anything about it.
It can’t be based on circumstance. Joy is a facet of God, and God is sovereign. His character isn’t based on circumstance. He is good. He is good when my heart is surging with adrenaline from amazing experiences, and he is also good even when I can’t comprehend the harshness of the reality of what is happening to this child. So if joy is a facet of God and he is unchanging then so is joy.
So I was sitting there on my bed and I told him, God, I ain’t leaving here until you give me true joy and it can’t just be a big smile on my face.
Then something happened.
This craving deep in my gut arose to dance.
I went out in the hallway of smoldering India heat and began to dance, like I’ve never danced before. Something came over me and I was obsessed. I couldn’t leave. The dam broke. It was like every song that came on was chosen by him, and him alone, just for me.
I’ve dancedin worship in the past a little bit, but nothing like this has every come over me to where I just didn’t care anymore. All of my inhibitions and embarrassments were thrown off and I felt like if I didn’t dance out what was in my soul I was going to explode. My heart had to be given to God this way. I am broken, tired, and frustrated and the only way for things to change is to give my heart to God, the only one who can understand the things I have no words for.
As I danced things changed. I poured out my soul to him. A warfare heart came over me. I went to war for what I know I need I my life but can’t seem to get. I went to war for what my squad needs. I went to war for this beautiful country of India.
Never in my life have I enjoyed anything like I enjoyed this. One of my most favorite activities in life is holding little babies, and even that can’t even come close to the joy of dancing with my King.
I’ve always thought that the word intercessor sounded like such a boring word. That day the word took on a whole new beautiful meaning for me.
Hours later, with all of my clothing soaked through with sweat, and after countless stares from random Indian’s I walked away with what I came looking for.
Joy.
My situation hadn’t changed. I had changed.
It doesn’t mean that things in the future won’t piss me off, because they will, I’m sure of it, I’m human. But it means that now I know where to take things when they do.
My secret place with God goes where I go. He is everywhere and promised to never leave me.
There is nothing special about that hallway where the breakthrough happened. The same thing has happened after that now on the balcony of a church and the rooftops of India. Where I am my God is also. He invites me into a secret place with him. He longs for me to empty my soul to him, and I love that he wants me to.
I’m not saying I am holier than thou and don’t get ticked off anymore after that glorious moment, because I do.
I’m still sick of not having my head on straight and being selfish, angry, prideful, and arrogant. I want you God.
I have learned what joy is and I have it. I now know where to take my pain too.
God please help me to go further and learn to put my guns downthat make this stuff rear its uglyhead inside of me. Help me to stop acting like a little girl and suck it up and realized that I am blessed beyond imagine. Thank goodness you aren’t afraid of my gook, but your love washes over it.
You are the only one who can heal it all.
