This blog was hard for me to write. I’ve putting off it for over a month now. I’m not one to post about my feelings or let strangers know my story. I save it for those who know me best. But for once, I’d like to let you into my heart and see how God has worked in me over the last two months.
Before the race, I was going to counseling because I’ve suffered significant losses in my life and I had to figure out if I had been dealing with it in a positive outlet. At training camp back in May they had a session on forgiveness. To learn to forgive others and that forgiveness is designed for your own well-being. Since I had gone to counseling I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was good.
Then at launch in July we had a worship night with the rest of the squads where they brought up the whole forgiveness thing again. My heart got heavy and I realized that I had been holding a grudge against God. I was still mad that He was taking people from me. I could say I forgave Him but, because I’m not perfect, it is easier said then done.
Every time I lost someone, I took three steps back in my relationship with God. I hadn’t realized it, but I allowed myself to take those steps. I took a step forward, a few months went by, and someone else would pass away. I wouldn’t put my full trust in the Lord. I wouldn’t understand that people are placed in your life for awhile, that God just allows us to borrow them for a short time.
Most people would question my struggle with forgiveness. “Why would you need to forgive God? Didn’t He do everything for you to live in freedom?” The answer is simple. I am flesh. I make mistakes. I allow my thoughts to overpower His love.
However, I am no longer living in the lies of my own thoughts or the thoughts satan tries to plant in me. Since I started the race two months ago, I’ve learned to embrace these three facts that point me in the right direction in my relationship with the Lord.
1. Know that Jesus and I are good. He knows my heart and my struggles. I know that there is a reason for each step of the delicately planned life that He has for me and to trust in that.
2. Because I am flesh, I am not perfect. I have flaws that I need to work on every day. Whenever I worry or feel like I need something that I don’t, that is because of my imperfect flesh.
3. Thoughts of uncertainty come from satan trying to take control when he sees me prosper in my relationship with Jesus and I need to not let them creep in.
I have made my daily prayer for God to protect my heart and thoughts. To allow Him to be the only one that can break me and rebuild me. To allow me to put all my trust in Him so that I can be more broken and made into the women of God He has planned for me.
