A few weeks ago, a teammate had us write down our biggest fear. Mine is never being enough. The fear of never being enough has help shape who I am today, and still does. Never being a good enough daughter. Never being a good enough student. Never being a good enough sibling or aunt. Never being a good enough friend. Never being a good enough girlfriend. Never being a good enough Christian. Just never being enough.
When I was little, my sister moved out. Which is a normal life event, nothing tragic happened. She just moved out. But to me, I didn’t feel like I was good enough. I wasn’t good enough to keep her at the house. It was my fault that she left. A few years later, my brother got married. Also, another normal good life event, an AMAZING one actually. To me, I felt like I became 2nd. I was no longer good enough. Throughout my life, there are several more events just like this. Events that weren’t tragic. Nothing bad happened. Most of them were actually great things. A new house. Switching schools. Nieces and nephews being born. But the enemy twisted them in my head until the fear of never being enough paralyzed me.
Don’t get me wrong. They weren’t all good events. He had to throw a couple bad ones in there to cement the fear that was growing. Friendships in high school where I actually wasn’t good enough. I was the “best friend” until something better came along. Relationships where I was always “the only one” until another girl showed interest.
I always reacted in 1 of 2 ways. Striving to be nothing or pouring everything I had out to please people. If I tried to be nothing, I couldn’t disappoint anyone because I hadn’t achieved anything. I didn’t try in college. I didn’t care about friendships enough to love people well. I didn’t put forth any effort, so I would always disappoint people. I expected that reaction because I knew I deserved it. I could control the outcome.
OR I tried to be the savior. I was the best friend you could have. I gave my time, money, clothes, and anything else just to make sure you were happy. I wanted every second of your attention. I had to be what made you happy. Which always ended in disappointment. I was never enough.
So here we are. I’m sitting in Month 8 on the World Race realizing that this fear has overtaken me. Allowing this fear to control me has hurt my relationship with my parents, my friends, boyfriends, education, jobs, and pretty much every aspect in life.
Now if you have been keeping up with my blogs, you have seen posts like this before. They always end with a resolution. Something that I have walked out of. Something that I have changed. This is NOT that. Looking back on the race, God has broken down so many walls that I have put up over the years. I have learned so much about myself and I am so thankful for that. However, I am still very much in the middle of walking this out, breaking down that wall, and allowing God and community to rewire my brain. I know that God is faithful. I know that He is working right now on helping me walk through this. God is redeeming and breaking down this wall, but it’s not an immediate thing. I don’t see the end result right now, but I know that it’s coming. All I can do is trust. Trust that God will continue to hold my hand through this and continue to break down this wall. I wish I knew when that day was, but I know it’s coming.
God is good. All the time. And All the time. God is good.
