We've all failed. Sometimes we let these failures go easily, feeling we can get up and summit the mountain on the second try. Sometimes, however, these failures seem so egregious that we run from the offending experience, never to attempt again. This is how I felt about leadership.
You see, spring of my sophomore year, I became the president of my sorority. It was definitely in the top 3 worst semesters of my life. Sure, president of a sorority doesn't sound that bad, it could even be fun. So why did I struggle so much? I made my home fully and completely in the lie that I was not enough. I was never doing enough, I was never put together enough, I never worked hard enough.
I was never enough of the right person to the right people at the right time.
Granted, the expectations of a sorority president are extremely high, but I chose that place for myself. I chose to live out of my own strength rather than the Lord's. The yoke I carried was excruciatingly heavy, and sadly, the places from which I sought relief were dried up cisterns. One of the lowest places I found myself during this dark time was in the middle of a wild fraternity party, wearing a ridiculous outfit, sitting in front of my own vomit.
I am unendingly grateful that the Lord saved me from that place and redeemed my heart and my identity. However, I failed to consider that the redemption extended to my abilities as a leader. I simply accepted that I am not leadership material, that I am not "enough" to be a leader.
So walking into training camp, becoming a team leader was the furthest thing from my mind. Even when I was asked to play a leadership role during team formation, or the words leader and Rachel were used in the same sentence by our logistics coordinator, I still played dumb. So when the time did come and I was in that meeting and Bill Swan said "I think you all know why you're here", my immediate reaction was fear.
I'm not leadership material. I can't do this. I'm not enough.
But as I prayed about it, I knew that the impulse to shout "No!" and run away was coming from a place of fear. And our God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline
Even after the meeting though, I still felt unsure. How could I go from being such a mess of a leader to a successful one? God had already given me so much love for my team and I didn't want to fail them…
As we were walking to our squad meeting spot, to announce the teams to the rest of the squad, Erin asked me how I was feeling. "I trust the Lord and His will, but I still feel fearful." I said, "The last time I was a leader, it did not go well…".
Without hesitation, she turned to me and said, "Well, God's going to redeem it."
She didn't ask why things went wrong or why I wasn't "enough" in that role. She didn't list the things I needed to do differently this time for Him to use me. She follows a God who makes beautiful things out of dust, no questions asked.
And He is my God as well.
In what areas of your life are you afraid to try again? What mountains have you fallen from and then simply accepted that you are not 'enough' to make it to the top? Maybe it's in a friendship that you fear can never be reconciled or a job that you don't think you're qualified for or a ministry that went down in smoke and flames. Our God is in the business of redemption and all He needs from you is a "yes". Maybe it's a scared, barely audible one. But it's enough.
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And finally, I need your prayers! Please cover Team Sozo and V Squad in your prayers as we say our final goodbyes and finish up preparations. Thank you so much!
