In their hearts humans plan their course, but The Lord establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9
This has never been more true for me than on the Race and once again, God has shown me that He has better plans for me than any I can envision. He has made some big changes in my life in the past two weeks and while I was not thrilled at first to have to let go of my own plans, I am already experiencing and embracing His goodness.
Here is an organized list of how my life is now different:
1. I am currently taking an indefinite break from squad leading
2. I am on a new team, Mezcla 12:12, which is a "mixture" of the two co-ed teams' girls because this month is "Manistry". (Def: men do ministry with just the men; women do ministry with just the women)
3. The team I will join after Swaziland is called the Dawn Treaders and they are a bunch of gems.
Last week, our squad mentor and coach called and asked me to take a break from squad leading. They assured me again and again that it has nothing to do with my leadership abilities; they said they are so proud of me. However, they said that because of the importance, depth and difficulty of the things I'm walking through with The Lord, they feel that God wants this season to be just Him and I, not Him and I and all my leadership responsibilities. This was a shock to my system for sure, but after spending a day in prayer, I received confirmation myself that this is what God wants for me. That this is a gift.
Now, for the heart of the matter. Throughout the past couple months, and actually the whole Race, The Lord has been bringing me to increasing levels of freedom. Freedom from insecurities, freedom from lies I've believed about myself, and freedom in my identity in Him. And as we went deeper and deeper, He revealed to me that lying underneath is a river of lack of trust in Him. I trust Him for others and for some easier, surface level prayers, but I simply cannot trust Him with the deeper things of my heart. I'm not sure where that stems from, but I do know that as a result I have developed self-preservation patterns that are dysfunctional.
So He has claimed this season for Himself. He gave me a vision of the ship in the account of Jesus calming the storm in Mark 4, Matthew 8 and Luke 8. In it, I am on the ship and I am crying out for Jesus to calm the storm. However, instead of calming the storm, He wraps me in His arms and holds me, right there in the midst of it all.
It certainly will not be smooth sailing, but He assured me that He will be by my side, closer than my very breath.
Please pray for perseverance, that I would continue pressing into freedom and healing. I know that it is coming. And thank you so much for all your prayers and support this far. Without you all, my dear friends and family, I could not have made it. God is using you mightily.
What I have said, that I will bring about;
What I have planned, that I will do. Isaiah 46:11
Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
And streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 46:18-19
