Welp, one thing I didn't expect after announcing my plans for leaving in January was the amount of spiritual attack I would experience.
For the past few months God's been opening my eyes to His crazy love.
It's been beautiful, falling deeply in love with Him. Going on walks to talk and watch sunsets with Jesus.
It was smooth sailing after I got accepted to the Race and I excitedly started telling friends and family about my opportunity.
People thought it was awesome.
They were moved.
They had great stories and advice for me.
Old friends reconnected with encouragement.
It was wonderful.
There was a deep surge of something new going on around me.
Even though I was aware of how passionately God loved me,
I wasn't prepared for how passionately Satan hated me.
He hates relationships because they symbolize God's deep relationship with us.
He hates new life and progression because he is doomed.
He hates humility, because He was removed from heaven due to pride.
He hates beauty because he used to be the most beautiful, and beauty points back to a Creator.
So He slipped in to attack me with all these vices this past week.
My thoughts started spiraling downward in doubt and frustration.
I took God out of His place and started to put a weird combination of myself and fear of man in His place.
I attempted to take 'control'.
I could tell I was becoming proud.
I was looking too far ahead and anxieties about fundraising started to rise. I suddenly wasn't excited about my trip when people asked me about it but instead I was nervous and quiet.
How on earth will silence broadcast God's great name?
Towards the end of the week I was doubting if I even wanted to go anymore!
Good thing God is so much bigger than my thoughts and fears.
I went to our new church plant on Sunday and was encouraged when our pastor said that a lot of people had been having a weird week. Weather it was sickness or just negativities in life, I think satan was attacking more people than just myself. Any weakness is a form of an attack.
After church a few people said they had been praying for me this week. "Havn't felt it at all…" I thought. But then it hit me, God loved me so much that He was laying me on others hearts. What? That's cool. Maybe He was giving me a choice, a challenge to consume myself in Him and search for His love.
So, time to fight! Even thought I didn't feel like digging into His word and learning new stuff, I knew it would cause growth.
I read through Romans and a good chunk of Isaiah. I listened to Mark Driscoll's 4 part series on spiritual warfare. I prayed, questioned and pleaded to what I felt like was a blank empty wall.
I held on to Romans 11:11 where God says He wanted His people to "become jealous and claim it [salvation] for themselves." This gave me great motivation to seek God out in jealous pursuit.
Mark Driscoll pointed out some interesting things.
[ http://marshill.com/media/spiritual-warfare/introduction-to-spiritual-warfare ]
He said that we shouldn't proudly rejoice over having some kind of 'power' or 'authority' over demons. Yes, God gives us His name to call on in times of weakness but to think that calling on Christ's name is our form of 'fighting' is hauty. We must only rejoice that our names are written in heaven, and that when we ask, God will fight for us.
We can't 'defeat' these attacks in our minds alone. That in and of itself is a demonic thought, for satan thrives off pride.
Stasi Eldridge pointed out in Captivating that Satan will attack woman specifically for 3 big reasons: we are weaker than man, woman symbolize and offer beauty to the world, and we bring new life. All things that satan hates and feeds on destroying. He wrecks God's beautiful world through natural disasters, deaths, holocausts, oil spills…etc. He hates beauty because it points back to our Creator. So he does all he can to destroy it. Being aware of this is freeing.
Paul in Romans has huge concepts and loads of truth, but a few big things that stuck out were Romans 4:18- "Even when there was no reason to hope, Abraham kept hoping [about having many descendants.]. And this hope will not disappoint, for we know how dearly God loves us."
Isaiah…ahh I got to Isaiah 52, and 13-15 say that the ones who the Lords sends will prosper. We are being sent to startle the nations and show people what has not been shown and tell things that haven't been heard.
The fact that God can make His name great without my help is humbling, but the fact that He invites me to do this is propelling.
My prayer became Isaiah 64. Read it.
Well it's safe to say this week has been better.
I feel weak, but that is good.
I asked for a heart transplant and that this satanic pride would be cut out of me.
The result is that I became vulnerable, like a child again- relaxing in the humility and trust that God generously dosed out.
