So this edition of ring
on my finger is very different than the first. It is not about my nothing is impossible ring… but the lack
there of a ring on my ring finger on my left hand. This is not a collection of blogs
about how I want to be married or that I can’t wait to be a wife someday to the
love of my life… but instead about the hard to hear, truthful and honest
conversation I had with my Papa up above.
It was week three in Romania (Month 4). Before coming to
Africa I knew that God was going to do something huge, reveal something new to
me, that a big change was coming… but that also… God was inviting me into it,
not forcing me. I was an emotional mess. It was like my prince charming was
knocking on the door of my heart, asking me to come out and experience a
perfect relationship with him, His perfect love, love without any fear… but
because it was so unfamiliar to me, because of all the hurts of my past, old
baggage and really old scars, and because what I know to be true is comfortable
I hid inside my walls and refused to answer. The problem with this Prince
Charming is that He wasn’t going to leave. Because God is constantly pursuing
my heart and LOVES me SO much I am sure He has come knocking many times before
and in His grace and mercy He left because I was not allowing myself to be
available… but this time he wasn’t going to leave.
You see, I had prayed some bold prayers. I asked God to
reveal in me anything that was not of Him and show me how to remove it. I asked
God to set me free, for real this time, from memories of the past and teach me
how to allow him to restore my heart. I asked God to start removing more of
Rachel and manifest Himself in my place. I asked God to begin preparing my
heart for the next season, Lord willing that I can be a wife someday. I asked
God to fight for me and push me forward because I know that in the past I tend
to run back to the comfortable, familiar, “safe” place.
So this time He wasn’t going to leave. In Romania I informed
God that I just was not ready, “give me this month to adjust God, I am
overwhelmed with all of this change… I am in reverse culture shock here, I have
a new team, I am getting ready for Africa… I am just not ready to answer the
door… besides, I have to primp myself, make myself look good, get ready for you
and on and on…” And my Prince Charming sat in his perfect and patient love and
waited quietly on me…”but don’t forget you can come as you are my beloved, Ill
be waiting here.”
So fast-forward one month. I am in the bush of Malawi,
blessed with the opportunity to see God do miracles every day, sharing His love
and LOVING life. I awoke one morning in what I thought to be just another day
and walked outside to soak in all God had to offer me or at least I thought. I
sat to begin my daily conversation with Him but didn’t have any words to say
and then BOOM, God spoke and I was not ready to hear what He had to say…
All of a sudden we were back, I was standing at the door,
looking through the peep hole at my Prince Charming… He heard me there, curious
and wanting so much to open the door, understanding and knowing that I needed
His help to take that step. But instead of giving me instructions on how to
open the door He gently asked me a question… “Rachel, my beloved you do such a
great job of loving me, but my darling why won’t you let me love you?”
Here it was. The question that would spark an all consuming
fire in me that would change my life forever. This simple question was the
first key in unlocking all the chains that bind my heart, it is the medicine
for every hurt and pain that is left from my past, it is the dose of confidence
I needed to step out of my familiar 22 years of life and dive into new depths of
who God is.
This moment was the start of the BIG change. It was the
beginning of the rest of my life… and the tricky part is I can’t do anything
about it but ABIDE and LOVE and BE LOVED.
You might ask… How does this have anything to do with the
ring not yet on your finger? Perfect love comes from God. If I cannot accept
Gods love directly from Him, it will be even harder for me to accept it through
the love of my life here on earth. I am so thankful for this opportunity, to be
here, to be learning this lessons, and learning how to be in an intimate
relationship with my Papa in Heaven so that I can better love here on earth.
This is definitely a journey… I am journaling it out, I may continue to share
more with you as it comes but I just wanted to share about what God is doing…
and ask that you pray with me as He continues to propel me forward into more of
His love.
