As a deer pants for water….I have been thirsty for Jesus for
a long time….too long, I think the drift started happening when I moved and
moved and moved some more, started my new job, etc. I used to spend time alone
with God in my closet, it was some of the best times I’ve had with God, and I
miss them…His Presence. I once prayed a prayer for God to “sift” me…He is
answering this prayer daily…right now I feel scattered, I am living at home
until launch and I have no room to myself, so the only real alone time I have
currently is in my car :o). Don’t get me
wrong, I am grateful for a roof over my head and food to eat, however I am a
classic introvert, so this is tough. As long as I’m being honest, I relate this
to the race, where I am told I will have almost no alone time. Satan has been
working hard to keep me distracted from developing the habits that I need to be
practicing to AVOID not having alone time with God while overseas. I am also
burdened with not feeling good enough or strong enough to do this thing. This
is certainly not the place I saw myself being at 29 years old, but I have no
doubt that God has strategically placed
my team as well as all the others together specifically and with intention. My
faith is being stretched, but honestly the deep inner peace I feel comforts and
reassures me. As of right now I don’t have enough money to launch, but as
someone told me this past weekend, if it’s God’s will, it’s God’s bill. Our Daddy is RICH, He has ALL the money in the
world-literally, and I am so thankful for His pursuit of me and His care for me…beyond
words.
Something else that has been on my heart lately is that I am
just simply afraid, and I talked with God about this open and honestly…my fear
does not come from what is to come next year, my fear is getting closer to
Jesus, will I be able to handle it??? His Holiness terrifies and overwhelms me;
will I be able to handle what He has in store for my life? I know the saying
that if He brings me to it, He will bring me though it, but I’m still scared,
and honestly, I’m lazy…it takes time (intentional) to get to know someone, let
alone God…Who is an infinite mystery (and if He wasn’t-He wouldn’t be God),
maybe I’m afraid of what will be exposed (what He will expose), the blackness
of my own heart that needs light, His light to disperse it…I am telling you I
have had multiple experiences where His Spirit descends on me and I have
literally said aloud at one point “stop, stop, stop…it’s too much God”, what am
I afraid of? Being all consumed with Him? I don’t even know what that feels
like…but my heart will not be satisfied until I do, my thirst will not be
quenched until I do, and I know deeply He will have it no other way, and for
this I am thankful.
