fly

I have been walking with Jesus for over 3 years now yet He is still showing me new things. At training camp a couple of weeks ago I was really struggling with feeling His presence. I couldn’t connect with Him, couldn’t feel Him…nothing. It was something that was actually very painful. I thought that I must of done something wrong or needed to try harder. It left me feeling very disappointed and let down.

See, most of my story and journey has been this battle with fear. Fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of let down, fear of abandonment. These fears have been my best friends practically my whole life. I learned at a very young age to put on a “mask” and pretend everything was okay.  Yet deep inside I was in inner turmoil, terrified of being alone, and left. This experience of not feeling my Jesus brought to the surface old wounds that were all too familiar and was creating despair and sadness.

Although I couldn't feel His presence, I could hear his voice. He said he was pulling back from my emotions and feelings for a purpose and that He promised He would never leave.  This brought some comfort but I still felt like it wasn’t enough. I would claim this truth every day all day. I even yelled out in the woods I AM NOT ALONE and could feel some things aligning but not completely.

Since being home Papa has managed to wreck me even more. I didn’t even know it was possible for more wreckage. I thought by now 3 years of intense inner healing, walking things out, facing past faults, dealing with pain, and looking wounds right in the face was sure to be enough. I was mistaken. It was not so. Scripture says The Lord is a lover looking for a lover. He desires relationship and intimacy with His creation. He longs for our whole heart. But because of the fear I was holding onto, I put up an invisible wall…keeping Him at an arm’s distance, blocked out of the deep, secret places. Scared if He really showed up, after awhile He would just leave.  I believed the lie that if I gave Him everything He would abandon me.

It was in that conversation that His mercy and loving-kindness drew me in. His words were not condemning or His fingers pointing. No, instead, Heaven came down in the person of Christ and talked with my heart. He sat down and spoke like a gentle friend. His grace allowed me to look at the fear again instead of escaping it through things that only cover it. The ache and sadness that I felt actually kept me dependent and in a place of continuously seeking  Him. Through several encounters He began to pull my heart upward so tenderly into His hands.  He held my heart and I began to feel the love of my Heavenly Daddy in a way I haven’t ever been able to experience. He used a song by Jonathan David Hesler, “fly” to assist me in moving forward in this process. The song helped usher me into the deep love of God and his mysterious romantic heart.

Today is a day of freedom. I am free! I am not bound by fear. I am not alone. I am not rejected. I am not left out. I am not abandoned. I am a chosen, precious treasure in the hand of My God whom He delights in(isaiah 62).

I can leave it all behind.  I can trust you! I can fully let go. I can fly. No more fear. No walls with you Lord. I come running at you smiling. You will not leave. You will not leave. You will never leave!!!! It’s me and You Papa.

I celebrate You today Lord. Your goodness. Your kindness. Your understanding who can fathom? I delight myself in You and I can trust you to give me the desires I’ve hidden in my heart forever (psalm 37). You, the person are what I want. I do not have to be afraid. You will never leave. You will not abandon me. Truly, your ways are beautiful and your plans perfect. My lips praise You. Thank you Jesus. I will stay in your hands forever. I love you.