My eyes opened, batting at the Irish sunlight and cold streaming in through the window. Six sets of bunk beds filled with my eleven teammates stared me down. Sticky strawberry jelly sat happily on the floor waiting for me to step in as I got out of bed. Our backpacks, smelly laundry, snacks, and trash were strewn carelessly about the room. “Ugh”, I said to myself. “There still all here.”
I had dreamt that night that I was back home in Texas, alone in my bedroom, listening to music and messing around on the internet. And yet here I awoke, to a hostel in Ireland, still on the World Race, to the same dang people I’ve spent every waking moment with for the last two months. Their quirks, smells, phrases, laughs, pet peeves, food tendencies, ministry styles, pooping schedules, and loves all quite familiar to me now. We are unable to hide much of anything around here. And frankly, on this particular morning, I was over it. Like SO OVER it. I was pissed at people for a grab bag full of reasons, but mostly pissed at the fact that, when you live with so many, their issues affect you. Really affect you–your time, your space, what you eat, where you go, what you don’t get to do that you want to do. Their problems were literally all now my problems. And crap. I wasn’t even doing all that great just dealing with my own.
Rebecca had cut her finger that morning so I stayed back from ministry to bandage it up. We both were in a rough spot that morning- irritated and frustrated, desperately needing a breather. Instead of heading onto the Lighthouse (where we were doing our homeless ministry this month), we decided to head to a coffee shop, spend time with the Lord, and get our heads back on straight.
I sat down with my journal and pretty much went off on God. I scribbled my complaints down for several pages, how so and so was on my last ever loving nerve, or how if I have to be woken up by another fart in the middle of the night they’ll have to have me committed, and please for the love of God, no more cheese sandwiches for lunch. I told him that I was so over this community thing. So done. This world race is cool God, but if I could have my own room please, eat what I want to, go where I want to, make decisions for myself again, Lord, that would be awesome. Much easier than this. I’m 24 for crying out loud. An adult. Right?
And then I had one of those zooming in, doomsday, earth shattering light bulb God moments. God gave me a super clear choice: Rachael- you need to either poop. Or get off the pot. Embrace this, these people, this life whole heartedly. Or go home. You can buy into the wonderful, fruitful life I have for you in the spirit. Or you can continue to submitting to your flesh and keep getting those same results. You can choose hate or love, frustration or patience, anger or joy. You can chose to see the image of God in people, or you can choose to see them through the lenses of how they are at present inconveniencing you.
There are millions of examples I could give to you of how, just since stepping on the plane in JFK, I have chosen to live life in my flesh. Countless, shameful examples of when my independence and need for control reared their ugly heads. When I chose to prefer myself over others. To see those around me through egocentric eyes of how they were impeding on my comfort, rather than how I could show them the powerful love of God.
But on this particular day, in the middle of a coffee shop in the basement of a bookstore, I wrote out declarations and spoke into life my new way. The way that says “I will see each person that God has put in my life on this day as Jesus sees them. As a person who is on a journey towards the divine destiny laid out for them at the foundations of the earth. I will see with spiritual eyes and ears of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control. I will embrace life in community, life waking up to 12 snoring teammates, stepping in jelly, stinky laundry, and farts in the night, whole-heartedly. The good, the bad, the ugly. I will love others and prefer them over myself, no matter the cost.
Addendum: 2 weeks later
It’s strange to see where God has brought my heart in this. Through several prayers and conversations with various people (namely Sharon fro YWAM Dublin, Ian from Lighthouse, and Jessica), God has delivered me from much of my need for independence and control. I am absolutely in love with community now. I can’t imagine my life without all of these people, and am beginning to strategize my life towards a lifetime of real community back in the real world. God is developing in me a passion to become the Acts church. I don’t know what it looks like exactly just yet, but I feel like a completely different person. One whose finally okay with dependence and trusting those around me. Stay tuned for more on this subject throughout the race.
