I am giving up.
For the past few days I have been frantically trying to finish at least one of the three rough draft blog posts I have typed up on my laptop. All three have an awesome story behind them and are reflective of how God is working in my life. All three I have felt led to share with the world, but for some reason I can’t seem to find the words to finish either of them. With a sincere case of writers block and an obligation to blog at least once a week, I’ve become frustrated. I have so much to say to the world about what God has been doing in my life and how he has been providing for me, yet I can’t seem to figure out how to “GET IT OUT!”.
In talking with my fellow squad mates for the race, I am not the only one with this problem! It has been obvious since the beginning of me making my commitment to go on the race that the devil has been fighting–in every way you can think of. Disrupting relationships, making everyone too busy to help me, alienating me from the world, stressing me with work, sending strangers I have never met to tear at me and discourage me, making me doubt my decision to go on the race, bringing my depression back into play and NOW, I can’t figure out how to write a blog.
While some of these hick-ups might seem minor to you, add them together and it is a lot to handle. Faced with all the outward attacks from the devil and trying to rid the confusion that has engulfed my soul from his inward attacks on my heart, I’ve contemplated giving up. For weeks I have wrestled with the idea of giving up but then I would feel God’s peace and strength again. And just as soon as I got used to feeling at peace about the race, the devil would whip in all over again stealing my joy and making me doubt my decision. Even with a successful first fundraiser of raising over $1,000 (my goal), I still doubted if I was intended for the race. Even though none of these attacks from Satan have surprised me, I still have been caught off guard. Knowing he will attack is one thing verses actually taking the brunt of his beatings.
Since my acceptance to the race, I have cried out to God at least four times. While that may not seem like a lot, in less than a month’s time, it is. Imagine being on the highest high one day and then the lowest low the next. The roller coaster of emotions from the devil discouraging me to the Heavenly Father uplifting me is a lot for any Christian to withstand. The cycle of battling the thoughts of giving up, then realizing that this is God’s plan and the devil is just trying to get me to forfeit, and then recommitting to the race over and over is getting old for me.
I finally had a major breakdown in front of God a few nights ago. I returned home from my now “ex” roommate’s new apartment completely not wanting to go on the race. I have not had a place of my own to live in since the beginning of June 2013. For almost a year now I have been jumping around from place to place. From my car to an older couple’s home, to my “roommate’s home”, from my roommate’s house to another couple’s, and finally back with my roommates; I have felt like a nomad. On top of that, I need to find a place to live April 1st or I am back to my car, (which is completely fine with me if I am to be 100% honest). But wanting a place of my own again that is a cute, quaint, humble abode has been a longing of mine for the past few months. Seeing the cuteness and well put together two bed, two bath apartment my roommate and her husband now share with my “dog niece”, made me not want to go on the race. Driving home that night to the empty house I am staying in until the 31st, I seriously considered giving up on the race so I could have a place of my own. Not just that, I have grown rather close to my roommates and their dog that I don’t want to leave them. When I am scheduled to return to America next year, they are scheduled to move to another state for the Air Force. I will lose a whole year of getting to bond and hang out with them further. And that thought alone made me want to give up.
I decided I needed to SERIOUSLY chill with God for a few moments and just be still for the first time in three weeks and pour my heart out. As I sat on the stairs and later in the empty spare room, I cried out to my Heavenly Father. “God, do you really want me on this race?! Why am I having such a hard time being fully committed to this?! Why do I feel all excited for it ONE day and then the next I don’t want to go?!” I even, ignorantly, brought up this frustration, “God, I am SOO tired of having to cry out to you in desperation every time I turn around and I am tired of asking you for help!!” If you have any kind of brains when it comes to understanding God you know what is wrong with my last cry of frustration. Before I even finished thinking “…I am tired of asking you for help!!” God quickly interrupted me with his calming assurance, “My dear sweet child, don’t you get it? I WANT you to need me and ask for help.”
As I sat on the stairs my Heavenly Father held me close and explained that it is okay to feel frustrated and overwhelmed and that HE DOES want me to go on the race. As he caressed my hair back from my face that was propped up against His shoulder, much like my earthly father did when I was sad, He even reassured that the reason the devil doesn’t want me to go so bad and is fighting so hard is because HE has amazing things planned for me this next year that the devil is terrified will come to pass. He concluded with a suggestion of reading Romans 10. As I read the whole chapter, quite a few verses stuck out to me. But the main verses that popped out the most are what I want to share with you.
Romans 10:14-15, “But before people can pray to the Lord for help, they must believe in him. And before they can believe in the Lord, they must hear about him. And for anyone to hear about the Lord, someone must tell them. And before anyone can go and tell them, they must be sent. As the scriptures say, ‘How wonderful it is to see someone coming to tell good news!’”
That’s it!! It finally clicked for me. I am the “they” that “must be sent”. There are people in Swaziland waiting for me. There are people in Botswana waiting for me. There are people in South Africa, Thailand, Cambodia, Nepal, India, Latvia, Estonia, Nicaragua, and Guatemala that are ALL waiting for me. How wonderful it will be when they “see someone coming to tell good news!” And how wonderful it will be when I get to tell them the good news! I know now why the devil is fighting so hard! These people need to hear about God. That is why I am going on the race and that is why God has chosen me to GO! There is a world out there hurting more than I have been hurting these past few weeks with the devil’s beatings. There is a world out there crying out to a God they don’t know yet and begging and pleading for Him to send someone to ease their pain and suffering!
How honored I am that God has chosen me to go to eleven countries and that God has chosen me to withstand the beatings of the devil. I am so honored that it makes these punches I have been enduring the last few weeks feel like nothing in comparison to the joy, love, and peace God can show THROUGH ME!!! Knowing this all and understanding that not only am I supposed to go but that I also need to keep God in the loop has given me a greater sense of comfort.
Finally understanding the true reason I was picked for the race has given me more strength and guts to fight harder and not let the devil walk all over me. So with that, I am giving up…on giving up. I am giving up on feeling beaten. I am giving up on wanting to give up on the race. And I am giving up on MY STRENGTH to get me through this process. Only with God can I make this journey. And only with God can I reach the world he is sending me to.
