What HE Did Here is Just the Beginning

Where do I even start?.. In the first months on the world race God revealed His calling for me. He gave me a heart and passion to bring American teenaged girls to Him. Weird how it works, right?- That He would call me miles and miles from home to travel around the entire world to show me that where I’m called was right outside my door, but thats how it worked.

Since He showed me that I’ve felt this unrest in my heart. Part of me knew I was still supposed to be on the race because He called me here and He hadn’t given me any word to leave, but still I felt a little torn. I felt disconnect in my ministries for a couple months and such a connect with what was going on at home. it was hard.

Then I showed up in the Philippines where there was no disconnect at all. My heart was (and still is) so connected to the teens I worked with, my team was doing amazing and I was falling more in love with them everyday, and I felt more joyful in the work I was doing than anytime before. It was great! 

The confidence I had in my world race was very reassuring to something else God had called me to do-something that I don’t think I’ve mentioned, which is my mom’s wedding. When I first left for the race my plan was to not go to the wedding. I didn’t feel confident enough to leave and still choose to come back. Then God changed my heart. I realized how my mom has been backing me in every big choice I’ve ever made in my life and how her wedding was my chance to do the same for her. So God challenged me to trust HIM, to allow HIM to be the peace that made sure I could handle the stress that would come from this coming and going again-and I decided to go. So this new confidence assured me it would be so easy to go and come back because my world race was the best it had ever been.

Then some emotions hit me hard towards the middle of the month. I got this overwhelming feeling that when I went home I was supposed to stay. I didn’t know how to deal with it other than pray and beg God for clarity, peace, or words, just something that let me know-so thats what I did. I knew I could never base such a big decision like going home on emotions or feelings because if you know me, you know I’m a bit of an emotional person and since I’ve been on the world race that ‘bit’ is a huge understatement. So any decision based on a just a feeling wouldn’t be wise.

So the day my emotions peaked, my wonderful teamleader Sami pulled me aside and helped me through it all. She said she hated seeing me this way and whatever I needed to do to get that clarity or peace through alone time with God she would do. I said I didn’t really know what to do so she paid for airconditioner in a room away from everyone else and put my tear stained face in there and told me I could and should stay as long as I need to- just me and God.

I wish I could say when I left that room I had the answers but I didn’t. But the next morning I woke up with this supernatual amount of peace. I had such peace that all I was supposed to do was just live in the moment and keep running this race and not even think about making any decisions. After a couple days of that complete peace I was so sure it meant I was supposed to stay on the race. So sure that I even told people, “no worries, I’m so sure with all this peace I’m staying.”

So I kept on pouring into my ministry not thinking a thing about whether my week home for the wedding would end in me staying or going.

About a week later, the other Psquad teams started coming in because it was the time for our 8 month debrief. Most people end ministry before debrief but because I was so in love with mine and I was still living on site, I continued. One morning after waking up the teens and doing our morning devo, I went to spend some of my own quiet time with God before all the world racers started waking up. The first part went wonderful He was teaching me a lot through Isaiah 4- a chapter He had given me a couple days before. Then when I had studied all through it, I was still hungry for more scripture so I prayed and asked God to put another chapter of the bible on my heart to study.(that might sound weird but since I don’t know the bible well enough to say, “this is what is happening in this chapter”, its exciting to see what He teaches me when I feel called to read random things)

As I’m sitting there hungry for more of His word, I hear Him say [Ezekiel 3]. When He says it I question if I’m saying that and thinking how I have no idea whats in Ezekiel 3. So I decide I’ll know if I read it and receive something from it- it was God’s voice, if not- it was just me and I’ll try to listen better.

Then I start to read:

Ezekiel 3

 1 Moreover He said to me, “Son of man, eat what you find; eat this scroll, and go, speak to the house of Israel.” 2 So I opened my mouth, and He caused me to eat that scroll.

3 And He said to me, “Son of man, feed your belly, and fill your stomach with this scroll that I give you.” So I ate, and it was in my mouth like honey in sweetness. (refer back to my blogs whats the weight? and losing weight to get the connection in this)

4 Then He said to me: “Son of man, go to the house of Israel and speak with My words to them. 5 For you are not sent to a people of unfamiliar speech and of hard language, but to the house of Israel, 6 not to many people of unfamiliar speech and of hard language, whose words you cannot understand. Surely, had I sent you to them, they would have listened to you. 7 But the house of Israel will not listen to you, because they will not listen to Me; for all the house of Israel are impudent and hard-hearted. 8 Behold, I have made your face strong against their faces, and your forehead strong against their foreheads. 9 Like adamant stone, harder than flint, I have made your forehead; do not be afraid of them, nor be dismayed at their looks, though they are a rebellious house.” 

10 Moreover He said to me: “Son of man, receive into your heart all My words that I speak to you, and hear with your ears. 11 And go, get to the captives, to the children of your people, and speak to them and tell them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD,’ whether they hear, or whether they refuse.” 

I was blown away. I start to question if it only sounds like what I think because of the translation and open up my other bible (NLT) and it falls open to a highlighted part of Ezekiel. I’m a little shocked and confused to see anything in Ezekiel highlighted because I never really read it so I stop and read the highlighted section. It reads:

wow.I had such crazy peace like I had been experiencing before but now it was peace with what I had read as well. I couldn’t really have emotions about it other than I was excited that I heard His voice. I was sure I had heard Him because I can’t doubt HIS scripture when it speaks so clearly to me.

After sitting there soaking it up for a while, people started waking up so I went back to my room to get a grip on everything. About 4-5 hours later I went up to Kendra’s room to tell her and Shannon what God had told me. At first I was just shocked at the peace and clarity, but as I started telling the ones that I’d be leaving and the ones I love so much the shock wore off and though the peace still surrounded me, the saddness sunk in.

That whole day consisted of weeping. Though I was excited God had spoken, I knew how hard it would be to leave and all the effects of that decision. I realized that this doesn’t just affect me, my closest friends, and my supporters (which were the ones I was most worried about). This effects everyone on my team- a lot, and the rest of Psquad. So I gave my apologies to my team because I had excluded most of them from walking through all this with me- which made the shock of all this hurt them more than necissary.

Since I’ve made this decision 2 things have happened:

1. I have been completely covered in peace and God’s favor to walk in my choice.

2. I have been battling the fear that comes with my choice I fear I have let people down or that people will view this as me failing. I have to grow in my confidence and become more comfortable with this uncomfortable choice.

So with all that said, I am staying home. I am not being released from my ministry, instead I’m being relocated. I will continue with this 11 months of ministry, but instead of walking with my squad or my team and it only lasting 11 months, It’ll just be me and God and this ministry will be the rest of my life. I feel ready for this.

And to everyone I’ve already talked to about when I’m leaving to go back on the race and so forth, I am sorry if I gave you an indirect answer I just didn’t want to spread the word that I was home to stay through individuals when I haven’t been able to tell all my family yet. I love you all and pray that everyone will receive me and my decision with peace. If you don’t or if you just want to contact me, feel free to e-mail me at [email protected] I would love to tell you all the stories of confirmation God has already revealed and I would love to stay connected. I have no doubts that God is going to do amazing work here in America through me. If not, HE would’ve kept me there.

Thank you all for your prayers, love, and support. God bless you all!

And in the words of a simple VBS song and the title of my going home card from my best friend Kenj…