Define Beauty.
Before I ever left for the race, I said I would shave my head in Africa. I had seen girls do it in the past and it made a lot of sense. In Africa, most women have their heads shaved so it wouldn’t be a big deal. All the reasons why outweighed the why nots.
Reasons why not:
hello? i’d be bald- more than likely bald=ugly
it would take a long time to grow out
i would be afraid people would question my sexuality (I know its horrible that we, as Americans, label others that easily so I don’t like to admit that I’d have that as a ‘why not’ but I’d be lying if I left that out)
i might have a mental breakdown. what girl has not had a bad haircut where they leave the salon crying? exactly, most of us have. I didn’t want to go through that while I’m already so far from home.
I didn’t want to be the only bald head while everyone else had beautiful long locks
Reasons why:
it would keep me cooler
because showering everyday isn’t avaliable, it’d be cleaner
i’d hate to live my whole life and never have shaved my head
its culturally acceptible and normal
it would be a sign of the freedom I feel in Christ
it would be a HUGE sign of how my hair does not define me or my beauty
As you can see, my reasons ‘why’ are far deeper than the ‘why nots’. Then right before I left for the race I got a very short haircut. I didn’t mean to get it that short but I thought, “oh well, this can be like a trial run for how I’ll do with a shaved head”.
Wrong.
Instead of making me more confident to shave it, it turned me the opposite way. I spent so much time in Haiti and the Dominican Republic complaining about how short my hair was, praying for it to grow faster, and doing everything I could to make it grow faster (taking vitamins and other silly home redemies to make it grow). Even when I was in Ireland and it had grown out a lot I still thought to myself, ” I will be soo much more attractive once my hair is longer.”
It was ridiculous.
When I first arrived in Africa, the very last thing I would’ve wanted to do, or even think about doing, was shave my head.
Then God started working on me. During the many hours of travel from South Africa to Malawi, I had a lot of time to think. Most of what I thought about revovled around what the next 3 months of my life looked like. I’ve always heard that the hardest time of the race is during Africa, but it is also the time of the most growth. I knew that in my past 2 months in European countries I didn’t feel like I grew enough because I was too comfortable. Part of me thought I was crazy, but the majority of my mind and all of my heart were ready for it to be hard. I was ready for the world race to be more challenging. I needed to be uncomfortable to grow. Growth is exceeding your comfort zone and becoming comfortable in it. I wanted that.
Once I had it in my mind that I was so ready for growth and ready to be challenged, God put this thought in my mind, “what if HE wasn’t going to make it hard for me? what if I had to be the one to take the plunge rather than HIM push me?”. I was expecting God to do something drastic like throw me into the bushe in Africa with nothing but the clothes on my back so that I could learn to trust Him to provide. But the reality of the situation was- I could be spending another month living comfortably in a place that I didn’t feel that challenged. I had never thought about that before. I had always expected God to be the challenger. I had never really thought to challenge myself, especially on the WR.
It was in that moment that I had to take the plunge. I had to make a choice. I could either continue to hold on to every little comfort I could still have on the WR or I could let go of more than God was taking away and challenge myself to grow.
I chose and I’m still choosing to grow. I decided that I didn’t come on this trip to make my life around the world comfortable. I came on this trip to challenge myself. I wanted to be challenged so that I could grow.
And of course the way to challenge myself- get rid of something I thought I couldn’t be happy without–my hair.
So the second day in Malawi, with the help of my team (Fearless) and team Chosen, we shaved my head. It was not a statement of look how strong I am. It wasn’t to prove that I found myself beautiful even without hair. Because neither of those were true.
I shaved my head saying,
“God, I don’t find myself pretty enough to let go of my hair. And I am not confident enough to go without when the girls around me go with. And I am not mentally strong enough to handle the loss of my looks when I already miss so much.
BUT God, I know You are strong enough. and I know You made me beautiful in so many different ways.
So I’m taking away my hair because I want that strength through You and I want to see all the other ways that You’ve made me beautiful!”
***
I don’t know if many people will believe me when I say this because a month ago I never would have believed me, but the second all my hair was gone I was overwhelmed with joy! I didn’t have one second of regret (and still haven’t). I feel more confident and beautiful than I have in so long! I feel like taking away my hair just unvieled the beautiful joy that God had shining through my face:)
God is so good and I am so happy and proud of the strength He has given me. None of the strength and none of the courage in my life has been me. All I have done is have faith in God and see how faithful He is! I only boast in how great I feel and how beautiful I am because I know the work that has been done here is God’s work and not mine:)
