So.
Its 2am and I have ministry in 6 hours, but the Lord hasn’t allowed me to fall asleep and I’m guessing the reason behind that is He wants me to blog about today. Which I not only need to do, but would also loooove to do!
before I start writing where God brought me today, I want to explain where He has had me- which is in the wilderness. This might not make sense to some people because God hasn’t taken them through the wilderness before but if/when you experience it, you’ll know… so for everyone who is like me and had never heard of God taking people into the wilderness here is the 411:
I am not talking about God literally dropping me in the woods, but the feeling is very much the same. For quite a while now I have been in a spiritual wilderness where I feel very alone, but this loneliness is probably not what you are picturing. Over the past year, God opened my eyes to seeing Him spiritually in almost everything. When I looked at the sunrise or sunset I honestly felt the beauty that was there.. I didnt just see a beautiful sky, but I would see it as a majestic gift for me from the all-mighty Creator of the universe. I would even get giddy like a little girl.( I believe that should be our response when we, mere humans, receive a gift from God. Whether it be another beat from our heart, a beautiful sunset, or an encouraging word, our wonderful God is constantly giving us gifts.. we should be VERY excited about that..) I got very used to feeling God’s presence and just having such passion to draw deeper in my relationship with Him. It was an amazing time in my life, but then it stopped.
I still haven’t quite put my finger on the time the seasons changed in my life, but I guess God changes the seasons of our lives like he changes seasons in the weather, sometimes its overnight and sometimes its gradual. But none the less, my season changed from this intense passion-filled, close-knit time with God to spiritual wilderness where I felt completely alone. I no longer felt the passion for God or even for ministry. I knew God was with me but He never allowed me to feel Him. He took what was an emotional, passion-filled relationship to a place of no passion. I was pretty miserable and pretty upset with God. I knew He was there, so it was pretty frustrating not to feel His presence. Its like I was walking though the wilderness sometimes hearing His voice but never catching a glimpse of Him.
When I left for the race I was definite that He was going to show Himself in the ways He had before and I was going to be full of passion again. When He didn’t do that, I got desperate. I was praying and pleeding with God to pleease let me feel His presence again and let me feel His heart, but every prayer seemed to be coming back empty..Then I started getting frustrated and mad. This hit its peak during the week of Dakota’s wedding. My prayers turned from pleads to questioning. I was asking God, “why in the world would YOU give me this crazy passion for YOU, where I just drop my life and go follow YOU around the world, and then YOU not even show up?!?” It was aggrivating. I couldn’t beleive that I was missing my VERY best friend’s wedding because of this passion I didnt even feel anymore.
And then God worked for my good, as usual. He gave me the strength to stay faithful in the way I committed to live my life for Him. Whether I felt it or not, or enjoyed it or not, God gave me the strength to be obdient.
The strength to be obedient has never been very present in my life. The majority of my life has been quite the opposite, just ask my mom;) In the past, I almost had superhero strength when it came to having the strength to be rebellious. But one day here in San Jaun, I stayed back from ministry and God gave me a little boost to get through the wilderness. While my teammates were out ministering, God took the time to minister to me. He did this through the C.S. Lewis book, the screwtape letters. For those who don’t know anything about the book, you should:) go read it.
In the book, there is a part where the demons are talking about how God appears to retreat in humans lives because in that time God wants them to excercise their free will. If God continually let us feel Him, we would be too swept up in His love to ever make the choice to turn away. And free will would then be gone and we would be robots. God didnt want robots though, He wanted and still wants relationships. And a real love relationship is when you have the ability, or think you have a reason to leave, but choose to stay. So the demons go on talking about how this is a good time to get the humans to turn their hearts away from God but how its a very crutial time. They explain that if the human doesnt turn their heart away from God and they make it through that time based solely on obedience, they are then closer to God and stronger in their relationship with God than they ever were before.
As I read that I became soo determined that no matter how long I was in the wilderness I would stand strong in the faith that what I had felt in my past season was the most real thing I’ve ever experienced and ever will experience. AND that I should remain excited and blessed by what He has already done rather than constantly have expectations of more. God can always give more but I don’t want my relationship with Him to look like all I care about is whats next. I believe everyone, even God, likes to just chill and enjoy whats in front of them sometimes.
So… on to the wonderful story of me meeting God in the woods and Him carrying me out of the wilderness..yay!!
Today when we headed back out to Guatupita for our afternoon ministry, I just wasn’t feeling it. I even made the comment to some of my teammates that I didn’t want to go but I knew Dianna was waiting for me and I couldn’t not show up. Dianna and me had been talking about salvation that morning and she had a lot of unanswered questions… I knew I was responsible to helping her find the answers she was looking for so when we got to Guatupita I was able to get one of our translators, Frank, to come translate for me. Dianna had been sick that morning and I didnt want to wear her out studying and taking care of her baby so I asked my teammate, Leah, to come with me to talk to her. Leah absolutely looves babys. and she had been helping out most of the times I had talked to Dianna before, so I knew she would want to play babysitter for us 🙂 little did I know God wanted her to play a lot bigger role than just a babysitter.
Once I sat down with Dianna, the reality started to sink in. I started to realize that God had placed her in my life so that I could tell her what I know about God. Then I freaked out a little because all I could think about was how I don’t know near enough and how scary it was to have someones understanding of salvation in your hands.. so before we started I prayed that God would just speak through me and to Dianna.
After we talked and we read through some scripture on salvation, I asked her about her question: what is happiness? because things translate different I asked her to explain if she wanted to know what happiness was to me or if she was talking about happiness in general. She then told me she wanted to know what my happiness was and what do I think happiness is. I started by telling Dianna the difference between joy and happiness. I told her that there are things here on earth that make us happy but those things come and go, so to truely be “happy” we have to have joy in our hearts. I told her that joy only comes from God and His joy makes us strong.
I was then able to tell her a little of my testimony. I told her that a little over a year ago, I had everything in the world that could make me happy: I had a lot of friends, I had more than enough money, I was succeeding in school, and I seemed to be very secure, but deep down I was so empty. I was never satisfied with the things I was putting in my life and even though most people thought I had it together, I had no clue what I was doing with my life. I then told her about coming home from school in the summer and how God won my heart and I started to really live for him. It was awesome! I could tell she was making connections and about that same time her little boy, Hanel, fell asleep so she went to put him to bed.
While she was gone, Leah asked me if we should ask Dianna about her story and I told her that was a great idea and that she should join in our conversation. It was such a God thing that Leah was with me and that Hanel fell asleep, because when we started talking to Dianna about her life she just broke down and cried with us. She began to tell us about how she is the only christian in her family and she doesnt have any christian friends that live in Guatupita. She told us that she gets very discouraged because everytime she does something wrong, her family and friends tell her she isnt a christian because a christian wouldnt act that way. As she told us this, mine and Leah’s hearts broke.
God definitely worked through us and allowed us to encourage Dianna through the beatitudes and just assure her that the discouragement she was feeling was solely from satan and that she should really be encouraged because satan’s attacks are an obvious sign that he is scared because satan can see the work God is doing through her and in her. While we were talking ,she also told us that when she is at home alone she thinks about hanging herself because she just feels so hurt. She told us that the reason she doesnt is because she wouldnt want to leave that way and her family think she wasnt a true believer because she had taken her own life.
This converastion just kept making things more and more real to me. I felt my heart aligning with Jesus’s heart. As I saw my sister in Christ, and HIS beautiful daughter hurting so deeply, I felt pain throughout my entire being. Seeing her feeling so helpless in a life full of persecution broke me to the core- my heart, my soul, my mind, my body. Nothing was left untouched. I believe that is God’s heart for us. Nothing about Him is untouched. When we feel pain, He there feeling it for us.
After Dianna opened all this up to us, we assured her that God loves her so much and is longing to be with her. I told her that everything is in God’s hands and that He could take her up to heaven to be with Him right then, and since God is allowing her to be seperated from Him, its beacuse He has big plans for her. I assured her that God would not allow His children to be seperated from Him without a purpose.
The second our purpose is over, we are gone.
Which was a reminder that I think we all need. Its so easy to get caught up in what we are doing or in what we have already done, but we have to stay focused on the real reason for life. If we are still breathing its because God still has things for us to accomplish and is wanting a relationship through it all. We can all be confident that if we are here on this earth, it is because He is working through us and on us.
After some more tears, hugs, and prayers we left Guatupita for the night, but as of today a part of my heart will always be there..God brought me out of the wilderness and into Guatupita. He allowed me to see that He was holding me all along and never planned to keep me from feeling His presence forever.
Then when we got home, we had a worship night… perfect timing right??
and God gave me this verse and revelation:
The LORD says, ” I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”
[Psalm 32:8-9] NLT
As soon as I read this, I realized the reason I needed my time in the wilderness. Until the past season, my obdience was only due to passion and emotion. I never in my life had followed God with all my heart just because it was the right thing to do. All my obedience in the past was because there was something in it for me to gain. Whether it was because I was following my passion or avoiding worldly pain, I had always made it about me. I always knew there was so much more, but now I actually see. I now can see that just because we are blessed in following God doesn’t mean thats why we follow God. God is worthy of all our lives- from the first breath to the last- even if there was nothing in it for us.
But Praise God that He loves us. He doesnt just want our obedience and the glory, He wants our hearts. God wants the relationship because He loves us so much! So through that love He gives us joy and eternal life with Him through His precious Son.
So God, I bless your holy name and thank you for giving me the strength to bless you not only with my words but also with my life. And I thank You so much for having grace when I fall short.
