I grew up believing that love was conditional and something I had to earn. I thought that if I was "good"- if I behaved, if I got good grades, if I had friends, if I went to church- then I was loved, and when I was bad I felt unlovable. As I got older, I began to seek my worth and approval from romantic relationships. If I could get a guy to love me and tell me I was beautiful, then I felt good about myself. This led to a lot of unhealthy relationships and codependency. In short, I based my value as a person on other people. And even in approaching God, I thought that He loved me only if I went to church and read the Bible and prayed enough. When I sinned, I thought I was too bad for God to love. Everything was based on what I did or did not do. I was striving for love, and no matter how hard I tried I always seemed to fall short.This thinking continued up until I left for the World Race.
Month one of this journey, I sat on a balcony in the Dominican Republic, realizing I had no idea who I was. I began to search the Bible for truths about who God made me to be and declaring these over my life. Then I began to walk in the freedoms he had already given me. Month four, I witnessed a man named Tony love teenage boys in Honduras unconditionally. He loved them whether they loved him back or not, whether they wanted to be with Him or not. He always gave them a choice whether or not they wanted to stay, but his love did not change. I began to contemplate this in relation to God, and it blew my mind. How could it be possible that there is nothing I coudl do to earn this love? But month I sat on a balcony in Thailand and began to grasp this.
God loves me because He loves me because He loves me because He loves me.
His very nature is love. He can’t not love. He does not love based on what I do or don’t do. He doesn’t love based on how much I love Him.
Now I leave behind the lies spoken over me and the lies I tell myself, and I look to God to tell me who I am and to tell me I am loved. I am His Beloved- it is my job to be loved. God took me halfway around the world to tell me He loves me.
