PROJECT SEACHLIGHT will help give you direction and develop your plans for your Kingdom dreams.
Please post by Jan 7th.
This is the assignment. I don’t know why I am having such a hard time sitting down and getting this done. My other homework assignments too. So distracted.
Back at home. I say that as it is snowing out, windy and about 7 degrees and feels like -13 they say. Doesn’t that sound pleasant? In the house, by myself. That’s how it’s been.
Coming home… talk about my struggles… sigh. (i’ll touch on my struggles… there are many more than this)
Well. I was excited to come home, see my family and friends, of course. That was nice, did the visiting thing, haven’t shared a whole lot about trip and stories… no one really asks… I just have to talk. (some family members (aunts) have said they want to hear about it, and invited me out to eat… they said, “you pick a place, bring pictures and stories”) I really needed to hear that… on a particular day…
The brief and shallow question (only because you have to generalize the answer) of “how was your trip” comes up… and I don’t know what to say? I would ask the same thing of someone coming back, I suppose… no blame, or ill feelings towards that or them… it’s just what do I say? It was good, and bad, fun and hard. It was an experience! Life changing and I am grateful to have gone.
People have said they want to hear about things… but where do I start? We could always take a spin off a blog cuz I tried my best to fill people in that way. When I am asked about specific things… it really makes me feel like the person cares… like they read, they followed… and even if they weren’t literally there… because they know what I had to say about the situation… to me, they understand. It’s comforting.
-I don’t mean to sound crabby… but as stated in the assignment… it said STRUGGLES.
Now the next question “What’s next?” valid question for someone who has been gone a year… and hasn’t worked in well over that. My answer…”I don’t know yet” NOW… had this been Rachel… before I left… I would have probably formulated a plan, maybe jumped into something that wasn’t right for me because of money, convenience, comfort… but this Rachel… is trying to be patient and wait on the Lord. Ask Him for direction, what His next move is… and then I follow. This by no means be lazy. I am not a lazy type of person, I enjoy being busy… and used to be busy till I couldn’t think straight. Which is what I liked at the time… to NOT THINK too many thoughts of myself and I wanted to keep busy to escape!
Oh, but now there is peace in my heart… and security in the Lord… and that NOT THINKING thing… peeks in and out. I am always thinking, coming up with plans, ideas, new ventures and possibly ways of wrapping up the old. Many times I want to NOT THINK now, but I don’t have work related things to busy myself with… so I am stuck with thinking. And by myself to boot. Typically not a good thing.
Why not a good thing. I have struggled with years and years of a Self Defeating spirit… one that either put myself down, or intentionally sabotaged my efforts to achieve goals or get things I was working hard for, to keep myself down, and not feel worthy of HAPPINESS.
One area in which this has played a significant role… is my weight. My body image. Oh let the good times roll on this topic. Back home, back home and the fact of putting on weight over the year is hard. Sometimes when I look around me, I feel like I haven’t been gone… like everything is “NORMAL” but memories flood my head and my eyes show me my exterior isn’t where it used to be. Pictures show of what I used to look like. I can’t believe I used to complain about being “fat” back then, and now I want to get back to that… how weird… and oh how much I will appreciate the healthy body I will soon have.
I think to myself, there must have been something that went on this year… cuz I don’t think I would have gotten this way, had I had healthy food choices and availability to exercise. So I thought.
Now I do have healthy food choices and the availability to exercise and still I struggle. WHY!?!? Tired, not in the mood, busy, and not motivated. What is this about?
I know how to eat, I know that exercise is important, I know what it takes to look good and feel good… so why don’t I do it? This is a daily battle. DAILY.
Here’s where it gets harder. (really digging the honesty thing here) – – whatever.
Diet Pills, workout regemines, health club memberships, prescription medications, hypnotherapy, detoxes, exercise equipment etc. THIS IS WHAT bombards me… this is who I used to be. It consumed me and it’s IN MY FACE NOW… telling me this will make it better… this will help me lose weight… this will bring me happiness…. And….
I KNOW IT’s A LIE… I do. I do. I do. I do.
BUT. WEIGHT ON THE LORD. When I want it now. I want to fit into my jeans, I want to have energy and feel good, healthy, fit…
I am not the same as I used to be. My HEART is changed. My EYES are open… but MY MIND still struggles and MY BODY is showing the results.
LORD… I NEED YOU. CONTINUE TO TEACH ME YOUR WAYS… THIS MIND NEEDS YOUR RENEWAL, YOUR PEACE and YOUR STRENGTH…
Discipline and Self Control… something we are to exercise. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit… then why would I choose NOT to take care of it?
I think this is all pretty pathetic, to tell you the truth… the only thing I can do, is keep on keeping on, casting my cares upon the Lord, and staying in love with Him… He will take care of the rest. I also need to love myself as He loved me first. And the thing He’s been telling me lately… TO SPEAK HIS WORD… SPEAK LIFE, and CALL TO PASS THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT YET…
This requires my will, effort on my part… I have to care enough to change… this is what I am working on. I believe that this process is something that I will speak about, when true freedom and confidence is felt, how it came to pass and what I did, said or lessons God has taught me through it all… will be passed on to those who struggle with the same things.
I might just be rambling now.(off the subject of weight)
The other thing I will briefly touch on are the times that I feel lost… and why did God take me down this path. I am grateful for my year… but for a time being I was really comparing myself to my friends, family and others who “have it all” the JOB – HOUSE – SPOUSE – CHILD – CAR…etc. I HAVE NONE OF THIS… and some things I had, I gave up for the race. NOW WHAT GOD? How are things going to come together? What am I going to do for an income… the list goes on and on and on. This comparison got me NO WHERE but down. And at the same time I was losing the gratefulness in my heart for all that God brought me through and all that He taught me this year. HELLO Rachel… He’s gonna take care of it all… Be anxious about nothing, pray about everything. (this I need to do!)
So… “What’s next?”
Project Searchlight in GA, a new two week program AIM is offering post Race. Helping us to organize the thoughts, the things that God has put on our hearts pre race and post race. Helping us to ask ourselves the questions of the things that broke our hearts this year, what are needs in the world that our gifts and talents could meet, what are some of our passions, desires and dreams. They are going to help us go after those things. What are the steps to take in starting an organization, how do I get involved in ministry? Things like this…. And who knows what else… We’ll see.
Here are some of the things that I am thinking into… looking into… praying into…
here is part of a small exercise we were to do… list off these things… and to the list pair the number bellow to each
Ministries/Careers/Pursuits
Run my own Interior Design / Painting Business
from White Doves & SHE Speak at Women’s Conferences across the country
Lead small women’s mission trips over seas
to others for others Be on tv someday… be it a design show… or women’s ministry… or somehow combine the two?
Write a book
Go to school, become educated in Speaking, Bible, Christian Counseling…etc.
Traits/Characteristics Important to Me
1.) Meaning
2.) Freedom & Flexibility
3.) Creative Outlet
4.) Individual & Team aspects
5.) Excitement & Adventure
6.) Strong Kingdom imact
7.) Ignites a passion within Me
8.) Provides good income
I leave tomorrow morning at 5am…. I will keep you updated on what’s going on, and start to share my heart in “what’s to come”… as God reveals it… and I start to figure it out too…
Until then. I really, really could use your prayer… Pray that I start really walking in the authority that Christ has given me, and that I start making the right decisions in the challenges that are constantly before me. Pray that I find time to listen to God, ask Him the hard questions and obey what He has to say. Pray that God gives me ideas, connections and direction as to the narrow path I am to travel. Pray that I take the steps with boldness, and passion. That I continue to run the race… even after a race… because WORLD… Rachel’s not done yet… I may not know exactly what’s going on… BUT I AM READY TO MOVE…
*WILL I GO WHERE HE GOES *WILL I SAY WHAT HE SAYS *WILL I PRAY WHAT HE PRAYS?
The answer is YES.
Lead on Lord… Lead on.
Stay Tuned to hear how some of the pieces of this puzzle I call my life… fall into play!
