When I posted my last blog about how I couldn’t do the World Race anymore, the response I got was overwhelming. I was painfully honest about how I was struggling and people related to my willingness to be vulnerable.
‘Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.’-Brene Brown
Everything I wrote in that last blog still rings true. At the time, I was struggling, hurting, and in constant turmoil so I said Jesus take control, I can’t do this anymore. Through a lot of prayer and conversations with people I love, Jesus revealed some truth to me that I hadn’t seen before. And instead of giving me the strength to finish a Race that wasn’t mine in the first place, He gave me strength to make the tough decision to continue my Race at home.
I came home to work on getting healthy again. I need some time and space to process trauma that happened to me while on the Race. I came off the field in December to heal and become physically healthy again and y’all were incredibly supportive then. I’m asking now that you’d support and offer grace for my decision to come home early and heal the rest of me.
I asked Jesus to make me invincible and attempted to ignore the story He’s trying to write for me. Instead, He reminded me that I am enough, I am His child, and He loves me soooo much more than anything I could ever do for Him. Jesus defines my identity, not my ability to do ministry on the World Race. As much as I wanted to be a ‘normal’ World Racer, I’m not. I’m Rachel Gagliardo and the Lord has a different story and purpose planned for me.
I am confident that God is going to use my pain to write a beautiful story someday. But it’s still hard to share that and believe that when I’m in the middle of the rough, broken parts of the story. The happy ending is still in progress, but that’s okay. I trust that God is good and that this is His best for me.
I had to fight through all kinds of shame telling me I was a failure for leaving the Race early or that I was a disappointment to family, friends, teammates. Through this season and through His Word, God reminds me I’m worthy because I am loved by Him. He rescued me because He delights in me. Psalm 18:19
It takes courage to stand up and say, I need help and I’m making some difficult decisions to go get it. And despite my peace and assurance that this is right, the decision to come home was not an easy one. Believe me, this is still a tough season whether I’m at home or out on the mission field in some foreign country.
God knew when I left for the Race in September that I would end up getting malaria and almost dying. He knew I’d come back for another 5 months after that, but then end up in America once again. Even though I was only on the field for 8 out of the 11 months, every single one of those days had purpose and impact. I would do it all again if I had the chance.
So please, ask me about what I learned on the World Race. I have so many wonderful stories and lessons to share and I’d love to talk about it. I’ll have more blogs coming soon about some of my thoughts as I process my past 9 months on the Race. I appreciate your prayers and support SO much! Thank you.
