Dear my rapist,
Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about me. Do you even remember that night at all? Do you ever wonder if you made a mistake? Do you have a wife now? Have you ever told her about that night? Do you ever wonder if that night has stayed with me? Or if that night haunts me? Or if that night left permanent damage on my soul?
It took me a long time to wonder these things. Because the next morning, I pushed everything down to the deepest parts of me not letting them surface until four years down the road. I pushed that night down because I didn’t want to remember it, I didn’t want to feel the pain or the shame again, and I didn’t really want to feel anything.
But now I do wonder. I wonder because I am okay. I have healed. I still have scars but the wound is much smaller now.
What I really want to tell you is this:
I forgive you.
I forgive you for raping me.
I forgive you for using my body for your pleasure.
I forgive you for taking my “NO” and turning it into a yes.
I forgive you for continuing even when I was crying.
I forgive you for the bruises that you left on my arms and my legs.
I forgive you for flipping my world upside down.
I forgive you for ruining relationships I had with guys.
I forgive you for the scars that you left on my soul.
I forgive you for breaking me.
Simply put, I forgive you.
More importantly, God forgives you.
Was God angry when this happened to me?
He was heart broken
Did God shed tears when I refused to feel any pain but only felt shame, self-hatred, and dejectedness?
Of course He did
Did God smile when I finally decided to bring all my anger to Him?
Yes, He is a big God and He can take me yelling at Him
Did God wrap me up in mercy, grace, restoration and redemption when I was finally ready to hand everything over to Him for healing?
He wrapped me up in the biggest and most peaceful God hug available.
Will He do the same for you?
Of course. You have already been forgiven and He loves you just the same as He loves me. And because of Him, I forgive you and I also forgive myself.
God Bless,
Rachel
I felt God tell me to write this blog last week so here it is. Hopefully, someone will read this and it will help bring a little healing or forgiveness to their heart!
I am still in need of about $1,000 for my fellowship support. If you feel led, just click on the support me tab!
Also, we are still have to fundraise quite a bit of money for our trip to Greece in 2 weeks to help with the refugee crisis is Lesvos. If you want to help here is the link! http://give.adventures.org/campaign.asp?campaignID=1072
