“When I think of God, I see Him running towards me, gathering up my shame in His wake, to redeem me with His costly love.”
– Sherri Cragg
I have been in Haiti for almost 3 weeks and they have been some of the greatest and hardest three weeks of my life. The race isn’t quite how I imagined it to be. I romanticized it in many ways, I came with expectations, I came with all my “junk” figured out (hahah… so I thought). Being a missionary isn’t what I expected, the world race isn’t what I expected, and God is definitely moving in ways I never expected.
You see I came on the race thinking that I would help touch people’s lives all around the world and that they would definitely change mine. I’m not saying that these things aren’t happening but they are only a small part as to why the Lord called me into this. What I have learned the past three weeks is that God called me to this so that He could change my heart, draw my heart closer to His, and forever change the way my heart beats.
I’m not going to lie, the first month of the race was hard. I would wake up every morning and wonder, “how in the world am I going to make it 10 more months.” I would wake up and think, “ I want to go home. I want to go back to my normal life. I want to go back to my career. I want to go back to my family. I want to go back to my friends.” It took every fiber of my being to fight these feelings and thoughts and to choose joy. I was having a hard time figuring out where I fit into the picture- what was my place on my team, what was my place on the squad, what was my place in the world?
I came to Haiti with the thought that I just wanted to get the month over with so I could then get the next month over with and so on. I came to Haiti thinking that everything from my past was done and dealt with. I came to Haiti thinking that I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough for God to speak to or to use. I spent the first 2 days here in a deep depression, a depression that I have never experienced in my entire life. Everything felt dark all the time and there was no way to escape the darkness. On the 3rd day here, I wandered down to the ocean to gaze at the crystal clear Caribbean Sea and in the ocean breeze I could hear God whisper, “I chose you. You are here for my people. You are here for a new heart.” Wait… what? He chose me? How cool is that?
From that moment God started working in ways that I never expected. I started hearing from Him in new ways, I started seeing Him in everything I looked at, and He started to chip away at my 30 feet walls. The chipping away isn’t easy but it is worth it. For me, this year is about open-heart surgery. I’m ready for the pain that comes along with it. I’m ready for the relapses that come along with it. I’m ready for the vulnerability that comes along with it. I’m ready for the grace and restoration that comes along with it. I’m ready for the joy that comes along with it. I’m ready to fight for my life, the life that God intends for me to live. I’m ready to let God love me without question.
Just so you know, God chose you also and He loves you with a love beyond our wildest imaginations.
