So many things happened this week that I could write about and evade the real stuff. But I have to be honest.
This was the hardest week for me on the race so far.
Mike and I took care of logistics for the squad that included coordinating lodging, transportation, meals, and the finances for it all for everyone. I love doing all this but this week in the midst of everything else, it was tough. But that's not what made it so tough.
I’ve felt unsettled in the last week or so for some reason but couldn’t put a finger on why. A stirring inside, ready for something but not sure what. We get to debrief and I just reached a point where I was so done with everything. Junk that happens, focusing on myself, knowing that I can give more in ministry. All I want is Jesus. Corny sounding? Maybe, but it’s true. It came to a point for me where I realized that I just want MORE of Him and nothing else. To be so intimate with Jesus, falling head over heels for Him. Wanting a dependency on Him that I’ve never known before. Gushy sounding? Maybe, but it’s true. I have a sense that God is getting my attention to tell me to take action more than I ever have.
Processing through all of this hasn’t been easy. I can’t remember crying as much as I have this week since….well, maybe ever! It’s hard to hide that living in such a small space with so many people. I felt like such a mess and people were seeing me cry all the time! I’m so thankful for my teammates who came alongside me and listened to me talk, cried with me, and supported me. Community is a beautiful thing.
In the midst of all this, we had 3 people on the squad leave for various reasons during the week. A time of grieving for everyone as it hurts to have people so close leave so suddenly. I think as a squad we were broken, at a point where we needed to worship and give glory to God, despite circumstances happening around us.
One night of worship we went on for hours, I’m not even sure how long. By the end there were just a few of us left crying out to God for more of Him, singing, praising, declaring who we are in Christ.
Crazy thing is the next day I started losing my voice. Now, I haven’t been sick with even the slightest cold since we left and here I am losing what I had just been using to worship God. Satan attacks in any way possible but he can’t have my voice! It’s a fight. We’re a powerful squad and this week we’ve become even more so. People stepping up, saying what’s on their hearts, declaring glory to God no matter what, crying out for intimacy, a desire to bring kingdom to Africa. And Satan’s trying to stop us any way possible.
A shift has happened in X squad.
It hasn’t come easily, painlessly, or quickly. It’s taken four months to get to this point but I’m excited to think about the seven months left. What’s going to happen in that time?! We’re going out stronger than we have been the last four months and I know that this squad has a power like never before.
I want to take action like never before. Pour into people around me like never before. Depend on God like never before. A heart of worship like never before. Intimacy like never before. To see the kingdom brought to earth like never before.
