Before coming on the WR I decided this year might be challenging at times but mostly, other people would struggle and I would be fine. And if I wasn’t, I would just plow through and no one would really know because vulnerability was so distant in my being, it didn’t even have a definition.
Fast forward 6 months and all my pride hit the fan. Boy did it ever. Ish hit the fan and I, the person who wasn’t going to struggle, I, Rachael Thearin, was that ish.
I found myself in a place of loneliness and if I’m honest with myself, a little depression. There wasn’t one particular thing that evoked these feelings and I was determined to figure out the “why” behind this madness. I was so caught up with solving the answer that I forgot to look at reality. I thought “I can solve this and move on if I figure out why I have these feelings” little did I know (boy I’ve said that a countless amount of times, especially lately) God was leading me to sit in my reality. He wanted me to SIT in it.
Slow down and stop trying to escape where you need to be
You see I am a why asker. My mind works on the why behind things. When I do things, I usually know why I’m doing them so it makes sense. I like to do things that make sense.
And this did not make sense.
I fought the mind battle of trapping these feeling and thoughts inside my being but I was so heavily impacted by them, I knew this was a step of vulnerability God was allowing me to chose to walk into. And I did. This team saw the raw me that doesn’t have it all together. The Rachael I struggle to see as a strong capable leader.
I was so caught up in figuring out how to get the heck outta the place I was in, I wasn’t allowing God to teach me the lessons in this chapter.
I needed to sit in my reality and surrender control
If anyone can empathize with me even slightly you know the one thing you want in situations like this IS control. The very thing I thought I needed (turned out to be a want—fancy that), was the thing allowing me to be stuck in the pit. I was waist deep in junk and was moving the junk around to be organized junk instead of just a pile of junk. Control. That’s what I wanted.
Come to find out, organized junk isn’t any better than a pile of junk and you expend a whole lotta energy in the process of trying to make it pretty junk.
The control stemmed from a desire to have a slight certainty of what will happen.
If I can think through things before a little, everything will run more smoothly
While in reality that is helpful, it’s not always realistic. If we always knew the future, where would our faith lie? Would we even need faith?
I’m in a process of giving up more control (don’t worry, I still have plenty in storage). I might always be in that process but I know the more control I surrender, the bigger I’m allowing God to be in my life.
If I get my butt out of the driver’s seat and take the backseat, I am allowing God to be in the drivers seat and in more control. At times I get antsy and unbuckle my seat belt and start creeping up to the front like a child after a long car ride. At times I back seat drive and so kindly bestow upon the driver my expertise driving knowledge. And at times I whip out my fancy smart phone to show him the reliable Google maps route. All this to say, God so gently reminds me to lean back, buckle up and fully trust He knows the way a little better than me. And although Google maps might be bae on earth, God still knows the way better than bae.
Hi, I am Rachael Thearin and I have control issues. But
